DRINKS WILL FLOW!!
Symptom: Cold and humid feet.
Cause: Glass is being held at incorrect angle (You are pouring the drink on your feet).
Cure: Maneuver glass until open end is facing upward
Symptom: The wall facing you is full of lights.
Cause: You’re lying on the floor.
Cure: Position your body at a 90-degree angle to the floor.
Symptom: The floor looks blurry.
Cause: You’re looking through an empty glass.
Cure: Quickly refill with your favorite beverage.
Symptom: The floor is moving.
Cause: You’re being dragged away.
Cure: At least ask where they’re taking you.
Symptom: You hear echoes every time someone speaks.
Cause: You have your glass on your ear.
Cure: Stop making a fool of yourself!
Symptom: The room is shaking a lot, everyone is dressed in white and the music is very repetitive.
Cause: You’re in an ambulance.
Cure: Don’t move. Let the professionals do their job.
Symptom: Your dad and all your brothers are looking at you funny.
Cause: You’re in the wrong house.
Cure: Ask if they can point you to your house.

1. I can see your point, but I still think you're full of ****.

2. I don't know what your problem is, but I'll bet it's hard to pronounce.

3. How about never? Is never good for you?

4. I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.

5. I'm really easy to get along with once you people learn to see it my way.

6. Who lit the fuse on your tampon?

7. I'm out of my mind, but feel free to leave a message.

8. I don't work here. I'm a consultant.

9. It sounds like English, but I can't understand a damn word you're saying.

10. Ahhhh. I see the screw-up fairy has visited us again.

11. I like you. You remind me of myself when I was young and stupid.

12.You are validating my inherent mistrust of strangers.

13. I have plenty of talent and vision; I just don't give a damn.

14. I'm already visualizing the duct tape over your mouth.

15. I will always cherish the initial misconceptions I had about you.

16. Thank you. We're all refreshed and challenged by your unique point of view.

17. The fact that no one understands you doesn't mean you're an artist.

18. Any connections between your reality and mine is purely coincidental.

19. What am I? Flypaper for freaks?!

20. I'm not being rude. You're just insignificant.

21. It's a thankless job, but I've got a lot of Karma to burn off..

22. Yes, I am an agent of Satan, but my duties are largely ceremonial.

23. And your crybaby whiny-assed opinion would be?

24. Do I look like a ****ing people person to you?

25. This isn't an office. It's Hell with fluorescent lighting.

26. I started out with nothing & I still have most of it left..

27. Sarcasm is just one more service we offer.

28. If I throw a stick, will you leave?

29. Errors have been made. Others will be blamed.

30. Whatever kind of look you were going for, you missed.

31. Oh I get it . like humor . but different.

32. A cubicle is just a padded cell without a door.

33. Can I trade this job for what's behind door #1?

34. Too many freaks, not enough circuses.

35. Nice perfume. Must you really marinate in it?

36. Chaos, panic, and disorder. my work here is finally done.

37. How do I set a laser printer to stun?

38. I thought I wanted a career; turns out I just wanted a salary..

39. I'll try being nicer if you'll try being smarter.

40. Wait a minute --- I'm trying to imagine you with a personality