i got sent something last night which could change everything...i need to find out the truth then ill know what action i should take. If what ive been sent is correct my life will never be the same again, and i will be hurt badly. I don't know how ill react really, i guess deep down ive been expecting it for a while..Im trying to find someones number so then ill know for sure whats going on. I dont like being left in the dark and being fobbed off - even if it is to protect me. Id rather be told the truth so then i can at least deal with it in my own way. Im waiting for them to tell me, infact ive been waiting a little while now. They say nothings happening, yeah right. I thought i believed that..or i did until this morning when i got the message. Well i did ask if it was happening and they denied it..but i want to know the truth. so tell me, save hurting me more please!!!

im engaged yey

i think things are coming to an end with my life...I used to be so much more happier, and giggled much much more. There seems to only be one main person who gets to see this side of me now, and i just wish that i saw him more often. I havn't been happy at home for a while now, and the stress of it all is really getting to me. I even walked out again last night, and didnt come back until early hours of this morning. Carl was worrying about me, but i was just so upset i couldn't even pick up my moile to answer his calls, or even to text him. At nearly 2 this morn i finally texted back after like 20 missed calls, then he rang back and we had a chat. I just dont think i can cope much more, with my life at home. I just wnt it all over!! Topping things off me, and chris obviously aren't getting on, which has really knocked me down, i though we were great mates?? Maybe i was in xoe's little fairy-tale land yet again??? I hate falling out with friends, especially the ones that mean a great deal to me. But then again i guess they don't really give a toss, and maybe never have? I've felt low before, but this is really taking the piss..Im nor happy nor suicidal. I really don't know what stage i am at. Just that i need a break. Need to go away fro a while because this is all realy stressing me out being at home, being with complete and utter twats constantly, that couldn't give a shit and want to make my life hell, putting me down when i am really happy. C'mon what 'nice' person?/ friend? would do that?? C'mon please tell me!!!
Am i doing the right thing, telling my mum i want to go to the hospital on my own on friday? I'm a little nervous but to be honest i'd rather be on my own, i don't want to worry and stress people out especially, my family, boyfriend and close mates. Or maybe i shouldn't go at all?? C'mon what are they really going to tell me? What are they really going to find? Maybe something that will scare the shit out of me, man i really hope not!!Well i guess i will soon see...
I'm still taht my 'fucking' off stage, where i'm staying away from many people, because i really can't get hurt anymore. I'm in a low stage where i want people to let me be. I really need comfort but all i seem to be getting is the hatred from people. This is just don't want to know about, especially at this minute. There's someone who i really have wanted to talk to, over the past few days, but havn't been able to as, we are 'not' speaking. i've told him so so much in the past and visa versa, but now at this stage i guess it has all gone to pieces, literally. It's really pathetic to be honest, al over stupid 'relationships' stirring up friendships. I guess both doesn't always get offered does it?? You can only generally have one or the other??? NO!! NO WAY!! we should be able to have both, makes our lives worth while doesnt it?? well...i though so, and that is really that i want.