Wouldn't it be nice if whenever we messed up our life we
could simply press 'Ctr Alt Delete' and start all over?

If raising children was going to be easy, it never would
have started with something called labor!

Brain cells come and brain cells go, but fat cells live
forever.

I used to eat a lot of natural foods until I learned that
most people die of natural causes.

When weeding a garden, the best way to make sure you are
removing a weed and not a valuable plant is to pull on
it. If it comes out of the ground easily, it was a
valuable plant.

The easiest way to find something lost around the house
is to buy a replacement.

Never take life seriously. Nobody gets out alive anyway.

Have you noticed since everyone has a camcorder these
days no one talks about seeing UFO1’s like they used to?

In the 60's, people took acid to make the world weird.
Now the world is weird and people take Prozac to make
it seem normal.

How is it one careless match can start a forest fire,
but it takes a whole box to start a campfire?

Who was the first person to look at a cow and say, "I
think I'll squeeze these dangly things here and drink
whatever comes out."?

Who was the first person to say, "See that chicken
there? I'm gonna eat the next thing that comes outta
its butt."


Why does your OB-GYN leave the room when you get
undressed?

Why doesn't glue stick to the inside of the bottle?

A good friend is like a good bra: Hard to find,
supportive, comfortable, and always close to your
heart.

You start out dead and get it out of the way.

Then, you wake up in an old age home feeling better every day.

You get kicked out for being too healthy and go collect your pension.

Then when you start work, you get a gold watch on your first day.

You work 40 years until you're young enough to enjoy your
retirement.

You drink alcohol, you party, you're generally promiscuous and you
get ready for Secondary School.

You go to primary school, you become a kid,
you play, you have no responsibilities, you become a baby, and then...


You spend your last 9 months floating peacefully in luxury, in
spa-like conditions; central heating, room service on tap, larger quarters everyday, and then ..........

...you finish off as an orgasm.

I rest my case.

Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do not walk ahead of me, for I may not follow. Do not walk beside me either, just f*ck off and leave me alone.

Sex is like air. It only becomes really important when you aren't getting any.

Don't aspire to become irreplaceable. If you can't be replaced, you can't be promoted.

Remember, no-one is listening until you fart.

Never forget that you are unique, like everyone else.

Never test the depth of the water with both feet.

If you think nobody cares whether you're dead or alive, try missing a couple of mortgage payments

Before you judge someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you judge them, you're a mile away and you have their shoes.

If at first you don't succeed, avoid skydiving.

Have you ever lent someone £20 and never seen that person again? It was probably worth it.

If you tell the truth, you don't have to remember anything.

Some days we are the flies; some days we are the windscreen.

Don't worry; it only seems kinky the first time.

Good judgment comes from experience, experience comes from bad judgment.

The quickest way to double your money is to fold it in half and put it back in your pocket.

A closed mouth gathers no feet.

There are two theories about how to win an argument with a woman. Neither one works.

Generally speaking, you aren't learning much if your lips are moving.

Never miss a good chance to shut up.

Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.

When we are born we are naked, wet, hungry, and we get smacked on our arse. From there on in, life gets worse.