First & foremost, let me tell you that I'm a huge fan of
yours. As my friend, you always seem to be there when needed. I enjoy
our time together. The perfect post-work cocktail, a relaxing glass of
wine with dinner, a celebratory champagne. You're always there for me
when I need you, even on holidays, and I think it's a stroke of genius
that you manage to hide inside chocolates, providing valuable support
when I'm stuck in the midst of endless family gatherings.

However, lately I've been wondering about your
intentions. While I want to believe that you have my best interests at
heart, I feel that your influence has led to some unwise consequences:

1. Phone calls: While I agree with you that
communication is important, I question the suggestion that any
conversation of substance or necessity takes place after 2 a.m. Why
would you make me call those ex-boyfriends/girlfriends when I know for a
fact they do not want to hear from me during the day, let alone all
hours of the night?

2. Eating: Now, you know I love a good meal, but why do
you suggest that I eat a kebab, a butter chicken curry along with a
sausage with cheese, onion and mustard (washed down with WINE & topped
off with a Kit Kat after a few sweet chilli and sour cream red rock
chips)? I'm an eclectic eater, but I think you went too far this time.

3. Clumsiness: Unless you're subtly trying to tell me
that I need to do more yoga to improve my balance, I see NO need to
hammer the issue home by causing me to fall down. It's completely
unnecessary, and the black & blue marks that appear on my body
mysteriously the next day are beyond me. Similarly, it should never take
me more than 45 seconds to get the front door key into the lock.

4. Furthermore: The hangovers have GOT to stop. This is
getting ridiculous. I know a little penance for our previous evening's
debauchery may be in order, but the 3pm hangover immobility is
completely unacceptable. My entire day is shot. I ask that, if the
proper precautions are taken (water, vitamin B, bread products, aspirin)
prior to going to sleep/passing out face down on the kitchen floor with
a bag of popcorn, the hangover should be minimal & in no way interfere
with my daily activities.

Alcohol, I have enjoyed our friendship for some years
now & would like to ensure that we remain on good terms. You've been the
invoker of great stories, the provocation for much laughter, and the
needed companion when I just don't know what to do with the extra money
in my pockets.

In order to continue this friendship, I ask that you
carefully review my grievances above & address them immediately. I will
look for an answer no later than Thursday 3pm (pre-happy hour) on your
possible solutions & hopefully we can continue this fruitful
partnership.

Thank you,

Your biggest fan

P.S.
THINGS THAT ARE DIFFICULT TO SAY WHEN DRUNK:
1. Innovative
2. Preliminary
3. Proliferation
4. Cinnamon

THINGS THAT ARE VERY DIFFICULT TO SAY WHEN DRUNK:
1. Specificity
2. British Constitution
3. Passive-aggressive disorder



THINGS THAT ARE DOWNRIGHT IMPOSSIBLE TO SAY WHEN
DRUNK:
1. Thanks, but I don't want to have sex.
2. Nope, no more beer for me.
3. No Kebab for me Thank you!
4. Sorry, but you're not really my type.
5. Good evening, officer. Isn't it lovely out
tonight?
6. Oh, I couldn't. No one wants to hear me sing