Homer: I'm normally not a praying man, but if you're up there, please save me Superman!!

Mr. Burns: Do my worst, eh? Smithers, release the robotic Richard Simmons.

Mr. Burns: Woah, slow down there maestro. There's a *New* Mexico?

Lenny: Ah, my eye! My doctor said I wasn't supposed to get pudding in it.

Kent Brockman: And the elephant that couldn't stop laughing was put to death today! In other news...

Chief Wiggum: Uh, no, you got the wrong number. This is 9-1... 2.

Chief Wiggum: Okay folks, show's over. Nothing to see here, show's... Oh my god! A horrible plane crash! Hey everybody, get a load of this flaming wreckage! Come on, crowd around, don't be shy, crowd around!

Krusty: Lets just say it moved me. TO A BIGGER HOUSE!! Oh crap, I said the loud part quiet and the quiet part loud.

Krusty: Don't blame me! It's the percadan. If you ask me, that stuff rots your brain ... And now a word from our new sponsor ... Percadan, oh crap!

Lionel Hutz: Well, he's kind of had it in for me ever since I accidentally ran over his dog. Actually, replace "accidentally" with "repeatedly," and replace "dog" with "son."

Lionel Hutz: This is the greatest case of false advertising I've seen since I sued the movie The Never Ending Story.

Judge: Mr. Hutz, are you aware you're not wearing any pants?
Lionel Hutz: Uh, your Honor, can I call for one of those bad trial thingys?
Judge: You mean a mistrial?
Lionel Hutz: Yeah ... that's why you're the judge, and I am the law ... talkin' ... guy.

Lionel Hutz: Well, I didn't win so here's your pizza.
Marge: But we did win.
Lionel Hutz: That's okay. The box is empty

Troy McClure: HI. I'm Troy McClure. You may remember me from such self help tapes as 'Smoke yourself thin' and 'Get some confidence, Stupid!

Kent Brockman: ... and the fluffy kitten played with that ball of string all through the night. On a lighter note, a Kwik-E-Mart clerk was brutally murdered last night.

Marge: [on radio] Husband on murderous rampage. Send help. Over.
Chief Wiggum: Whew, thank God that's over. I was worried for a little bit.

Homer: Oh Lisa, there's no record of a hurricane ever hitting Springfield.
Lisa: Yes, but the records only go back to 1978 when the hall of records was mysteriously blown away.

Homer: Yeah, Moe, that team sure did suck last night. They just plain sucked! I've seen teams suck before, but they were the suckiest bunch of sucks that ever sucked!

Principal Skinner: Oh, you think this stolen 'H' is a laugh riot, don't you? Well, I'll tell you something that's not so funny. Right now Superintendent Chalmers is at home crying like a little girl! Well, I guess that is a little funny.

Skinner: For Privacy's sake, lets call her Lisa S...Wait thats to ovious. How about L Simpson

Principal Skinner: Hello, Simpson. I'm riding the bus today because Mother hid my car keys to punish me for talking to a woman on the phone. She was right to do it.

Moe: Call this an unfair generalization if you must, but old people are no good at everything.

Homer: Moe, I need your advice.
Moe: Yeah?
Homer: See, I got this friend named... Joey Jo Jo... Junior... Shabadoo.
Moe: That's the worst name I ever heard.
(Joey Jo Jo runs out of the bar sobbing)
Barney: Hey! Joey Jo Jo!

Milhouse: Remember the time he ate my goldfish? And you lied and said I never had goldfish. Then why did I have the bowl Bart? Why did I have the bowl?

Marge: Homer, the plant called. They said if you don't show up tomorrow don't bother showing up on Monday.
Homer: Woo-hoo. Four-day weekend.

Ralph: Hi, Super Nintendo Chalmers!