Wow! Once Were Warriors is the one movie I've watched in my school career that would be worth stealing and destroying in a satanic ritual! It is totally clai clai! For action, acting and editing, it is an iconic Kiwi movie and will have you sleeping in your seat for the full 102 agonizing minutes.

Once Were Warriors tells a story familiar to all the alcoholic, wife beating Maoris in New Zealand. I'm sure we cal all relate to the main character, Jake, who isn't really the main character, but whatever, because of his alcoholic and violent ways. I'm sure we've all been drunk before and wanted to rape our wives, or for our unmarried readers, just grab some random bitch off the street and get to it! Oh, and the violence, one of the main themes in this horrible movie, we all get the urge to punch someone in the face, but hey, why not be like Jake from this "iconic movie" and beat them to a pulp!

Set in Auckland, Once Were Warriors is basically about a bunch of neanderthals, that enjoy incestuous rape, alcohol and crappy music. Oh, but then there's Beth, let's put her up for a 'Mother Of The Year" award. In 102 minutes, she sure manages to convince us she's a great mother. First she loses her son, Boogie (what the hell kind of parent names her son after snot?) to social welfare, then, OH, then, her daughter Grace hangs herself from the tree in the backyard. And why? Well, it's not really Beths fault, but hey, we have to blame someone. Beth failed to realize what was going on with Grace, when her Uncle Bully has raped her! But really, inviting someone called "Bully" into your house is just asking for trouble.

Graces untimely death sets off a chain of events, each one more predictable than the last. After Graces death, they hold a funeral. What a surprise! I was hoping for something more exciting, like a resurrection. But, alas, this was not so. The funeral had an open casket, so I'm somewhat surprised Uncle Bully wasn't in their humping her lifeless body, but I suppose even rapists have standards.

The funeral begins by Beths friend Mavis (who really showed off her talents near the beginning of the movie, singing karaoke in the pub, luckily everyone was drunk, or there would have been a bloodbath) wailing as the casket is carried to the marae, where the family sits round talking to a corpse, and Corpse's best friend gives her a kiss on the cheek, him being another great example of amazing parenting, with the name "Toot".

After they have all said farewell to Corpse, they go on back home and get some non-rapist Uncle to bless the house.

Then they all sit down to an extravagant roast dinner. I'm sure that broke the bank. Quite seriously. They all seem a lot more at ease without Corpse and Jake there. So I think the real monster in this film is in fact Corpse herself. There is no real evidence that Jake not being around is beneficial, while there's plenty of evidence about Corpse though.

For example, when they are eating dinner, and Beth suggests they say grace (because the film is just full of God worshipping and Christianity), and the youngest boy, whose name I don't remember because the ugly little creep had no relevance in the film and about 2 lines, yells out "Grace!", as in calling Corpse to come down to dinner. The rest of the family look around nervously at each other and then they begin to laugh, visibly relieved that Corpse is in fact dead.
In another example, after Corpse has died, the older brother, Nig (in case you are wondering, yes, he is black) comes home, where as when Corpse was alive he stayed as far away as possible.
And last, but not least, there's Toot, Corpses "best friend", who somehow contributed to Corpses suicide by kissing her. This was all part of his plan. After the funeral, when he's standing with the family, he says "Well, I best be going..", or something to that effect. Can you say SUBTLE? He may as well have nudged Beth and winked at her.
Anyway, surprise surprise, Beth asks him to