America! We love you! How many people
are proud to be citizens of this beautiful country
of ours? The stripes and the stars for the rights
that men have died for to protect. The women and men
who have broke their necks for the freedom of speech
the United States government has sworn to uphold.
Or so we're told.
(Yo I want everybody to listen to the words of this song)

I never would have dreamed in a million years I'd see,
so many motherfuckin people who feel like me.
Who share the same views and the same exact beliefs
it's like a fucking army marchin in back of me.
So many lives I touched, so much anger aimed in no
particular direction, just sprays and sprays
straight through your radio waves it plays and plays
till it stays stuck in your head for days and days.
Who woulda thought, standing in this mirror bleachin my
hair with some peroxide, reaching for a T-shirt to wear.
That I would catapult to the forefront of rap like this?
How could I predict my words would have an impact like this.
I must've struck a chord with somebody up in the office
cuz Congress keeps telling me I ain't causin nuthin but problems
and now they're sayin I'm in trouble with the government,
I'm lovin' it, I sholved shit all my life and now I'm dumpin it on

White America! I could be one of your kids.
White America! Little Eric looks just like this.
White America! Erica loves my shit, I go to TRL
look how many hugs I get.
White America! I could be one of your kids.
White America! Little Eric looks just like this.
White America! Erica loves my shit, I go to TRL
look how many hugs I get.

Look at these eyes, baby blue, baby just like yourself,
if they were brown Shady lose, Shady sits on the shelf
but Shady's cute, Shady knew, Shady's dimples would help
make ladies swoon baby ooh baby! Look at my sales.
Let's do the math, if I was black I would've sold half,
I ain't have to graduate from Lincoln High School to know that,
but I could rap, so fuck school, I'm to cool to go back,
gimme the mic, show me where the fuckin studio's at.
When I was underground, no one gave a fuck I was white,
no labels wanted to sign me almost gave up, I was like, Fuck it,
until I met Dre, the only one to look past, gave me a chance,
and I lit a fire up under his ass, helped him get back to the top,
every fan black that I got was probably his in exchange for every
for every white fan that he's got, like damn , we just swapped
sittin bck lookin at shit wow, I'm like, my skin is a startin to
my benifet now?

White America! I could be one of your kids.
White America! Little Eric looks just like this.
White America! Erica loves my shit, I go to TRL
look how many hugs I get.
White America! I could be one of your kids.
White America! Little Eric looks just like this.
White America! Erica loves my shit, I go to TRL
look how many hugs I get.

See the problem is I speak to suburban kids who otherwise
would of never knew these words exist, whose moms probably
woulda never gave two squirts of piss, till I created so much
motherfuckin turbulence, straight out the tube, right into your
living rooms I came, and kids flipped when they knew I was
produced by Dre, that's all it took and they were instantly
hooked right in, and they conncected with me too because
I looked like them. That's why they put my lyrics up under this
microscope, searchin with a fine tooth comb, it's like this rope
waitin to choke, tightening around my throat, watching me while I
write this, like I don't like this (Nope). All I hear is:
lyrics, lyrics, constant controversy, sponsers working around the
clock, to try to stop my concerts early, surely hip hop was never
a problem in Harlem only in Boston, after it bothered the fathers
of daughters startin to blossom, so now I'm catchin the flack from
these activists when they raggin, actin like I'm the first rapper to
smack a bitch and say faggot, shit, just look at me as your closest
pal, your poster

Hey baby...mind if I take my pants off?

I love you, you know.

Hey, kitten. How about spending some of your nine lives with me?

If I let you suck on my tongue, would you be grateful?

Have you ever played "Spank the brunette"? Want to try?

Are those lumberjack pants your wearing? They are giving me a wood.

Do you like whales? Well I have a hump-back at my place.

You are so fine, I wish I could plant you and grow a hole filed of you!

You remind me of a championship bass, I don't know whether to mount you or eat you.

Is your last name Gillette? Because you are the best a man can get.

Hey baby, as long as I have a face, you'll have a place to sit.

Hi. Can I domesticate you?

Hey baby there's a party in my pants and you are invited!

Can I walk through your bushes and climb your mountains?

If you were a car, I wax you and ride you all over town.

Your belt looks extremely tight. Let me loosen it for you.

Hey I'm looking for treasure, Can I look around your chest?

"Excuse me, but you dropped something back there" (What?) "This conversation, lets pick it up later tonight."

I've been a bad boy/girl, so spank me!

Do you mind if I hangout on your stomach for a half an hour or so?

I'm a freelance gynecologist. How long has it been since your last checkup?

Yeah, it's big and if you pet it, it spits

"So, did you here the one about the guy and the girl who had the most sexual relationship?" ("No.") "Well then, let's go to my place and I'll tell you all about it."

Excuse me, do you have any Benedryl? No why? Because everytime I look at you I have swelling "down there"

Let us let only latex stand between our love.

(Walk up to the target and lick two fingers and place them near her crotch. Then place the fingers back in your mouth and say . . . ) I know you!

Do you see why they call me tri-pod?

Um...I need a little help with my Calculus, can you integrate my natural log?

There are a lot of fish in the sea, but you're the only one I'd like to mount.

If you had some nuts on the wall, couldn't they be called walnuts? (Yes). If you had some nuts on your chest, could they be called chestnuts? (Yes) If you had some nuts on your chin, could they be chinnuts? (Yes.) Hell no, you'd have a dick in your mouth.

Do you like chips? Because if you are "Frito Lay" than I am a barrel of fun!

I heard your ankles were having a party... want to invite your pants down?

Come over here and get a taste of America's Most Wanted.

Hi. My name is Laura. I'll be your playtoy tonight.

Did you know that I saved a girl's life last night? (No.) I pulled a 6-inch piece of meat out of her mouth to save her life. Can I save your life?

You know how some men buy really expensive cars to make up for certain, well, shortages? Well, I don't even own a car.

Do you mind if I end this sentence in a proposition?

How do you like your eggs in the morning? Fertilized?

Let us pretend my pants are France and invade them.

Are you a virgin? (No.) Prove it!

I would like to herd my cattle in your fertile valley.

Hi. I'm a dog and I need to bury my bone.


Lets skip all the bullshit, lose our inhibitions, and DO what we really came here to do.


You bring a whole new meaning to the word, "edible."

Do you live on a chicken farm? (No.) You sure know how to raise cocks

Excuse me, but you have a "dick for" on your head. (What's a "dick for"?) I'll show you.

Hi, I'm the new Milkman. Do you want it in the front or the back?

Hi, sorry I don't have an opening line but since you have an opening and I have a line. . .

How about we make like Winnie-the-poo and I get my nose stuck in your honey jar.

Do you wanna box? (Yes.) Well, get on your hands and knees and give me two blows to the head.

Pick a number between 1 and 10. You lose. Take off your clothes.

Want to play lion tamer? You could get on all fours and I'l

Number 1- The Little Green Frog

You stick out your close your eyes first, Then stick out your tounge .
First when you stick out your tongue you go m then when you
Close your eyes you make the sound m again. Practice that for a while.
Then while you do that you sing-
“MM MM with the little green frog one day MM, MM with the little green frog
MM MM went the little green frog and his eyes went MM MM too.
VVROOM VVROOM went the Big Red Truck one day,
SPLAT SPLAT with the little green frog it’s eyey don’t go MM MM anymore
and he got licked up by a dog
WOOF WOOF!


Number 2- M.I.L.K.!

You yell out to the crowd “I gotta repeat after-me song for ya”
And they repeat it [the sayin above].
Then you say
Courus
“Don’t gimme No Pop, No Pop,
[crowd repeats]
Don’t gimme No Tea, No Tea
[Crowd repeats]

But gimme some Delicious and Notorious
M..I..L..K

[then repeat Courus
until done with MILK]

Number 3

Blind Date

A guy and a girl are on a blind date. As they go through the “getting-to-know-you” motions, he realizes that she is actually blind, so starts doing all sorts of crazy things. (This skit is only as funny as the guy you have doing the stupid things) Finally she tells him that she’s only blind in one eye.

Number 4

Candy Store

Actors:
4 young hooligan boys or girls.

Scene Script: Four guys enter the candy store that is run by an old man (bent over, shaky voice, beard and cane).
Kid 1: I’ll have a dime’s worth of jelly beans.

(The old man/shop-keeper notices that the jelly beans are on the top shelf and sighs heavily.)

Shop-Keeper: Are you sure you want jelly beans? I’ve got great gummy bears right here…

Kid 1: Nope. Jelly Beans please.

Shop-Keeper: (He gets a ladder and with much pain climbs to the top, gets the jelly beans and comes down the ladder. He weighs a dime’s worth of jelly beans, screws the lid on the jar and climbs up the ladder to replace the jar. Giving “Kid 1” the small bag of jelly beans, he looks at the next kid and says…) “Next?”

Kid 2: I’d like a dime’s worth of jelly beans please.
Again, the Shop-Keeper sighs.

Shop Keeper: Are you sure? This red licorice is nice. Or how ‘bout some chocolate pieces?

Kid 2: I really like those jelly beans. I want them.

(The old Shop-Keeper gets the ladder, and climbs up again. He counts out a dime’s worth, gives them to the kid and returns the Jelly Beans to the top shelf. Then he puts the ladder away and looks to the third kid.)

Kid 3: Guess what…I love jelly beans. I was thinking about changing up to licorice for today. But maybe I should stick with what I know I like.

Shop Keeper: Yea, sure. You should try the licorice for a change.

Kid 3: Hmmm. Change scares me. I think I’ll go with the jelly beans. A dime’s worth please.

Shop-Keeper Shop-Keeper moans and gets the ladder. He climbs up, gets the jelly beans. This time while he is up there, he asks the last person…) "I suppose you want a dimes worth of jelly beans too?"

Kid 4: No.

(The Shop-Keeper comes down and returns to the counter. He counts out a dime’s worth and then returns the jar to the top shelf, climbs down and returns the ladder to the off-stage storage space.)

Shop Keeper: "Now, what do you want?” He asks the fourth kid.

Kid 4: I want a nickels worth of jelly beans.

(The old man/Shop-Keeper chases him out of the store with his cane, shouting.)

Number Five- Clumsy Grocery Guy

This skit requires three people and a few props, a long table set up to look like a grocery store checkout counter. Also, a vest or apron for the checkout guy. The grocery clerk stands behind the table/checkout counter with his arms behind his back. Another person is behind him with their arms around checkout guy. (Checkout guy doesn't use his arms during the entire skit. The person behind him is his arms - great if you can