You can enjoy a beer all month long
Beer stains wash out
You don't have to wine and dine beer
Your beer will always wait patiently for you in the car while you play football
When your beer goes flat, you toss it out
Hangovers go away
A beer label comes off without a fight
Beer is never late
Beer doesn't get jealous when you grab another beer
When you go to a bar, you know you can always pick up a beer
Beer never gets a headache
After you've had a beer, the bottle is still worth 5 cents
A beer won't get upset if you come home and have another beer
If you pour a beer right, you'll always get good head
A beer always goes down easy
You can have more than one beer a night and not feel guilty
You can share a beer with your friends
You always know you're the first one to pop a beer
Beer is always wet
Beer doesn't demand equality
You can have a beer in public
A beer doesn't care when you come
A frigid beer is a good beer
You don't have to wash a beer before it tastes good
If you change beers you don't have to pay alimony

Chuck Norris uses ribbed condoms inside out, so he gets the pleasure.

Chuck Norris' tears cure cancer. Too bad he has never cried.

When Chuck Norris has sex with a man, it is not because he is gay, but because he has run out of women.

Macgyver can build an airplane out of gum and paper clips, but Chuck Norris can kill him and take it.

Chuck Norris once roundhouse kicked someone so hard that his foot broke the speed of light, went back in time, and killed Amelia Earhart while she was flying over the Pacific Ocean.

Chuck Norris doesn't read books. He stares them down until he gets the information he wants.

If you ask Chuck Norris what time it is, he always says, "Two seconds till." After you ask, "Two seconds to what?" he roundhouse kicks you in the face.

Chuck Norris only masturbates to pictures of Chuck Norris.

Rather than being birthed like a normal child, Chuck Norris instead decided to punch his way out of his mother's womb. Shortly thereafter he grew a beard.

Chuck Norris appeared in the "Street Fighter II" video game, but was removed by Beta Testers because every button caused him to do a roundhouse kick. When asked bout this "glitch," Norris replied, "That's no glitch."

Chuck Norris lost his virginity before his dad did.

Since 1940, the year Chuck Norris was born, roundhouse kick related deaths have increased 13,000 percent.

Chuck Norris sold his soul to the devil for his rugged good looks and unparalleled martial arts ability. Shortly after the transaction was finalized, Chuck roundhouse kicked the devil in the face and took his soul back. The devil, who appreciates irony, couldn't stay mad and admitted he should have seen it coming. They now play poker every second Wednesday of the month.

Filming on location for Walker: Texas Ranger, Chuck Norris brought a stillborn baby lamb back to life by giving it a prolonged beard rub. Shortly after the farm animal sprang back to life and a crowd had gathered, Chuck Norris roundhouse kicked the animal, breaking its neck, to remind the crew once more that Chuck giveth, and the good Chuck, he taketh away.

Chuck Norris's girlfriend once asked him how much wood a woodchuck could chuck if a woodchuck could chuck wood. He then shouted, "HOW DARE YOU RHYME IN THE PRESENCE OF CHUCK NORRIS!" and ripped out her throat. Holding his girlfriend's bloody throat in his hand he bellowed, "Don't fuck with Chuck!" Two years and five months later he realized the irony of this statement and laughed so hard that anyone within a hundred mile radius of the blast went deaf.

Chuck Norris does not sleep. He waits.

Chuck Norris built a time machine and went back in time to stop the JFK assassination. As Oswald shot, Chuck met all three bullets with his beard, deflecting them. JFK's head exploded out of sheer amazement.

Chuck Norris is not hung like a horse... horses are hung like Chuck Norris Chuck Norris was the fourth Wiseman. He brought baby Jesus the gift of "beard". Jesus wore it proudly to his dying day. The other Wisemen, jealous of Jesus' obvious gift favoritism, used their combined influence to have Chuck omitted from the Bible. Shortly after all three died of roundhouse kick related deaths.

To prove it isn't that big of a deal to beat cancer. Chuck Norris smoked 15 cartons of cigarettes a day for 2 years and aquired 7 different kinds of cancer only to rid them from his body by flexing for 30 minutes. Beat that, Lance Armstrong.

There are no disabled people. Only people who have met Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris does not have AIDS but he gives it to people anyway.

There is no chin behind Chuck Norris' beard. There is only another fist.

Chuck Norris once lined up to kick the winning field goal of a high school football game. When the football went flat, he persuaded the referees to let him kick the field goal with a 3 month old child. Chuck roundhoused kicked the baby 60 yards through the uprights and then proceeded

'It's a case of him (Eric Cantona) losing les marbles.' - GARY LINEKER

'Hagi has got a left foot like Brian Lara's bat' - DON HOWE

'Hagi could open a tin of beans with his left foot' - RAY CLEMENCE

'There's no width on the wings.' - ANDY GRAY

'We are now in the middle of the centre of the first half' - DAVID PLEAT

'The lad got over-excited when he saw the whites of the goalpost's eyes.' - STEVE COPPELL

'To play Holland, you have to play the Dutch.' - RUUD GULLIT

'The Saudis would struggle in Europe because of that problem with those prayers five times a day.You don't know if they're going to turn up for training.I'm being serious.' - DON HOWE

'He's chanced his arm with his left foot.' - TREVOR BROOKING

'It's the end of season curtain raiser' - PETER WITHE

'They're still in the game, and they're trying to get back into it.' - JIMMY HILL

'Signori has all the tricks up his book.' - RAY WILKINS

'It was one of those goals that's invariably a goal.' - DENIS LAW

'I'd say he's the best in Europe, if you put me on the fence.' - BOBBY ROBSON

'Glenn is putting his head in the frying pan.' - OSSIE ARDILES

'We're not used to weather in June in this country.' - JIMMY HILL (comedy playing-days photo supplied)

'England now have three fresh men,with three fresh legs.' - JIMMY HILL

'A game is not won until it is lost.' - DAVID PLEAT

'Wimbledon are putting balls into the blender.' - RODNEY MARSH

'Di Matteo's taken to playing in midfield like a duck out of water.' - PETER OSGOOD

'Poor Miklosko. Hasn't had to make a save yet he's let three goals in.' - TREVOR FRANCIS

'There's Bergkamp standing on the halfway line, with his hands on his hips, flailing his arms about.' - JOHN SCALES

'If England get a point, it will be a point gained as opposed to two points lost.' - MARK LAWRENSON

'Unfortunately, we don't get a second chance. We've already played them twice.' - TREVOR BROOKING

'Both sides have scored a couple of goals, and both sides have conceded a couple of goals.' - PETER WITHE

'That's twice now he [Terry Phelan] has got between himself and the goal.' - BRIAN MARWOOD

'Stoichkov is pointing at the bench with his eyes.' - DAVID PLEAT

'I think it's that lack of width with his height.' - TREVOR BROOKING

'If you just came into the room and didn't know who was who you'd obviously say Newcastle looked the most likely to score.' - TERRY PAINE

'If there's a weakness in Chelsea's defence, it's in their defence.' - Radio 5

'Mirandinha will have more shots this afternoon than both sides put together.' - MALCOLM MACDONALD

'The Arsenal defence is skating close to the wind.' - JACK CHARLTON

'He's very fast and if he gets a yard ahead of himself nobody will catch him.' - BOBBY ROBSON

'He has a great understanding of where the goalkeeper is in relationship to the goal.' - DAVID PLEAT

'With eight minutes left, the game could be won in the next five or ten minutes' - JIMMY ARMFIELD

'Brazil, the favourites - if they are the favourites, which they are...' - BRIAN CLOUGH

'If history is going to repeat itself I should think we can expect the same thing again.' - TERRY VENABLES

'They didn't change positions, they just moved the players around.' - TERRY VENABLES

'He has got perfect control over the ball right up to the minute he lets it go.' - PETER WALKER

'They're all on top of their game - fans and players alike.' - DAVID FAIRCLOUGH

'They've missed so many chances they must be wringing their heads in shame.' - RON GREENWOOD

'If you're going to score one goal or less, you're not going to get your victories.' - TREVOR BROOKING

'Merseyside derbies usually last 90 minutes and I'm sure today's won't be any different.' - TREVOR BROOKING

'That's football Mike - Northern Ireland have had several chances and haven't scored, but England have had no chances and scored twice.' - TREVOR BROOKING

'Fortunately, Paul Scholes' injury wasn't a