The other night I had a dream about the Feis Maitiu. There I was in my grass stained short pants and wrinkled Barrys-Tea Cork jersey holding our classes' lyrics in one hand and the aul lade locking on to the other paw.

Eventually the old feen on the mic with the greasy comb-over and the snuff hanging out of his nose, calls out the name of our school.

"Gwan up now and don't embarrass us boy", the aul lade says.
Roy chose bass at rock school. He didn't like the flamboyance required forlead guitar.

Sound mam. We're all fierce jittery and all the lads look dead serious - no messing or anything. Mullins, the cry baby next to me, looks like he's going to burst as usual and there's a stain on his pants that might be something that makes me look away. He did one at the communion as well last year while he was bringing up the gifts. What a dose.

The funny thing is that Mullins fancied himself as a singer. He's whimpering away telling us that he wants to be on You're a Star but I've let him know that its only 1985 in this dream and he'll have to settle for Jo Maxi or Dempseys Den until the other show gets invented.

"A Song for Every Season" is what we've been practicing for weeks with Mrs. O'Driscoll but, for some mysterious reason, when she counts us in we're all singing that Umbrella song by Rihanna from last summer.

All the crowd are laughing at us and the shams from Mayfield, who are up next are commenting on our chances of winning by crossing their necks with their index fingers. They're right. We're dead. Just like last year. Umber-ella-ella-ella-ella.

When Mayfield take to the stage to sing "Oh Happy Days" they've got the gospel cloaks on and are swinging in time and everything. A small young fella at the front is doing soprano and all sorts of Alicia Keys stuff.

Suddenly disco lights come on, smoke comes out from under his feet, there's an orchestra and the whole Feis Maitiu hall turns into a nightclub and the crowd are worshipping the young fella on the stage.

The closer I look (without trying to wake up obviously), it seems the small young fella is the bulb off Roy Keane. Is it him I wonder? I slip between a few adults and step a bit closer for a lamp. Yeah it's him alright. Mad!

Now on his knees gesturing towards the heavens as his classmates 'shooo-wop' behind him, he's just about to finish with a screaming crescendo. An old doll next to me collapses just as the roof of the building comes off to reveal the night sky and the side of the RTE building on Father Mathew Street.

Next thing the fireworks go off and the Champions League theme song comes on and Roy floats into the night sky. I think he's waving at us but it's more of typical Keane acknowledgement, you know, the familiar three or four claps just in front of his left shoulder to the crowd before heading for the dressing rooms.
Youths like to stand around in Cobh.

Pascal Sheehy has climbed up the mast on the RTE building and is doing a report on the boy wonder for Ann Doyle. Below the crowds are shouting 'Keano! Keano!" as he heads for stardom and a career…in the music industry.

Now Pascal has taken over as narrator describing what Roy's career has involved so far and what lies ahead for this wonder crooner. Strangely, I think to myself, there's no mention of soccer, Cobh Ramblers or Rockmout. I must be mixing him up with someone else.

Ann Doyle asks Pascal about the contract that Roy had with the Billy Barry Kids in Dublin but she is told that the Rebel county's prodigy hated it, came back to Cork and began writing letters to clubs in England. Now he's been signed by some talent agency in England. The same one that Madonna and Michael Jackson are signed to apparently.

Pascal's saying its all about hard work, determination and grit now as they show videos of Keane getting into a confrontation with Michael Jackson. They're squaring up to each other and Roy makes a go for him but he's held back by Paul McCartney from the Be

Former taoiseach Bertie Ahern has praised Today FM’s Gift Grub programme which celebrates 10 years on air this week.

The programme was set up in May 1999 as a sketch which featured Mr Ahern hosting his own cookery programme, but expanded to include him and dozens of characters from politics, sport, music and television.

Mr Ahern went on Ian Dempsey’s Breakfast Programme this morning to praise Gift Grub and its versatile creator Mario Rosenstock.

He said in the beginning he didn’t listen to the show taking him off, but “never got further than the corridor” of Government Buildings before being apprised of the broadcast.

“I think it has been a tremendous programme. Not since Dermot Morgan and Scrap Saturday has there been a programme that has had such good satire, had such longevity. Ten years is a long time in business and it has been enjoyed by so many people,” he said.

“There was something for everybody. It was not just about politics. It was about sport or football or rugby and the music business. It was originally supposed to be a cookery sketch, but it spanned every aspect of current affairs in a very funny way.

“It has been terrific fun. I enjoyed, not only the craic about myself, I think that was fun. It was never vindictive. It was real clever, it was enjoyable.

“I think people saw it as really funny, I enjoyed not only the craic, I think people love it. I enjoyed the Roy Keane and Ronan Keating, Michael D and Jose Mourinho who loved it himself.”

Mario Rosenstock’s Bertie attributed three phrases to the former taoiseach “infacta”, “Jaysus” and “spanner”. The real Mr Ahern confessed to using the former two phrases “though I shouldn’t be saying the Lord’s name”, but not the third.

This morning’s programme featured contributions from Ronan Keating (who named his boat Fair Play following Mario Rosenstock’s impersonation of him) and Keith Duffy who were among Gift Grub ’s favourite targets.

Gift Grub is still going strong with 10 Christmas albums to date all of whom have gone to No1 and a Christmas No1 Christmas single with Leave Right Now , Rosenstock’s take on Roy Keane’s ignominious exit from Manchester United in December 2005.

TEN YEARS ago this week, the Ian Dempsey Breakfast Show on Today FM tried out a new comedy sketch called Gift Grub.

It was supposed to be a light-hearted take on a populist taoiseach Bertie Ahern cooking up a few of his own recipes.

"I thought we'd run out of ideas after three months," recalls the show's ever-present writer and performer Mario Rosenstock.

Gift Grub did its bit in cementing Bertie's reputation as a self-styled man-of-the-people with his pints of Bass, his love of "Man U" and his fruity choice of language, mostly notably his repeated use of the words "spanner" and "Jaysus".

Yesterday morning, the real former taoiseach rang up the show to congratulate the Gift Grub team on their 10th anniversary. He had not heard the programme in the early days, but "never got further than the corridor" of Government Buildings before somebody appraised him of its contents.

"It has been terrific fun. It was never vindictive. Not since Dermot Morgan and Scrap Saturday has there been a programme that has had such good satire," he said. The real Bertie confessed to using "Jaysus" once or twice, "but I shouldn't be taking the Lord's name", he said.

He attributed the comedy's success to the versatility of the sketches. "There was something in it for everybody. It was not just about politics."

Rosenstock said he was particularly proud that Gift Grub listeners picked 160 different sketches as their favourite. "I was just saying to Ian [ Dempsey] that it really lights up your day when you hear these stories of people laughing in cars and looking across to each other and they are both laughing at the same time."

Rosenstock singles out his encounter with the real Roy Keane and José Mourinho as two of his favourite highlights.

Mourinho was so impressed with Rosenstock's note-perfect mimicry, particularly on the single José Mourinho and his Amazing Technicolour Overcoat, that he invited Rosenstock to Chelsea. Rosenstock's Mourinho lives on as a puppet on Setanta Sports.

The Best of Gift Grub has become a perennial bestselling CD. Catchphrases such as Bertie Ahern's "spanner" and "all credit to" (as attributed to Roy Keane), along with Enda Kenny's "love of Lilt" are as well-known as anything the characters themselves do in real life. And Rosenstock conceded that he could be criticised for not being harder on the former taoiseach when he was in office.