(Sure-Fire ways to get yourself killed)
[Or Crucio'd down the street and back]
{I pray you can dodge spells}

Ask why he doesn't have 'such a cool scar?'

Ask him why he's afraid of a frail old man with a beard.

Tell him Wormtail has a crush on him.

Steal, snap, and bury his wand.

Say Lucius did it.

Walk a few paces behind him, spraying everything he touches with disinfectant.

During inportant death eater meeting call him out of the room and tell him his uncle is on the phone and wants his ring back.

Induce his Death Eaters into a chourus of 'All Things Bright and Beautiful'.

Wonder aloud if he name 'Voldemrot' really demands as much respect as say 'Potter' or 'Dumbledore'.

Pop party poppers in his face whenever the urge strikes you.

Mock his baldness.

Call him 'Tommy-boy'

If your feeling really gutsy, call him 'Voldie-poo'.

If you have a death wish, call him "He-Who-Let-The-Boy-Live".

Slap his arm and say 'MOSQUITO!' every five minutes.

Every time the phrase 'Like taking candy from a baby,' is brought up, add; 'Although SOME of us may find that harder than others...' and stare pointingly at him.

Cuddle him constantly

Get finger puppets closely resembling himself and Harry, and renact all of Harry's defeats of him in an extreamely childish manner. Be sure to give them both squeaky voices.

Magic marker Potter-Style glasses on him in his sleep.

Sign him up for anger manegment classes.

Be his therapist. Say he is 'lonely' and 'sort of a control-freak'.

Place dead and rotting things around him. Say it's aroma-therapy.

Eat his pet snake. Offer him some.

Paint the Death Eater's masks bright colors.

Every time he has an evil-plotters's-block, levitate a lightbuld over his head.

In no way, shape, or form act intimidated by him, treat his as you would an old friend.

Should he ask you a question, your only responce should be a series of spit bubbles, the last of which should burst and make a huge mess.

Play ding-dong-ditch at his bedchamber late at night.

Apparate and Disapparated in and out of his room rapidly. Keep this up for hours. Crack-there-Crack-gone-Crack-there-Crack-gone-.

Insist you go into a room first to announce his arrival.

During these announcements, make fake drumroll and trumpet noises.

Give Rita Skeeter full details on his whereabouts and location.

Make weird illusions to him of being Harry's father.

Offer to sacrifice Draco 'To the cause'.

Steal his teddy, that ALWAYS makes hem cry.

Ask him, "Why don't you get a new hobby? Like stamps, stamps are good."

Ask him, "Marvolo? What's that? A laundry detergent?"

Sing a Westlife song in his ear every morning.

When he talks about his cildhood, say 'Oh you poor dear!'Then give him a big hug.

When he does something partucularly nice, cross your arms and say, "Now, now, would Salazar approve of that?".

Insit he play tig with you.

Poke him and say 'Boo' at an inappropriate moment. i.e. during one of his Death Eater meetings.

If he yells at you for any of the above or any of the below, look over his shoulder, put a terrified look on your face, and shout, "RUN...DUMBLEDORES RIGHT BEHIND YOU!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"

Enjoy the effect of these words, they'll be the last you'll ever say.

When he tells you to do something, put on a big smile and work as though you'd rather not do anything else in the world.


Hover your finger a centimeter away from his forhead, and say in a very squeaky voice, "Not touching you...Not touching you!"

Write him a theme tune. Sing it every time he enters a room.

Laugh at him for no apparant reason.

Get him drunk and lock him in a room with Wormtail, Bellatrix, and Lucius.

Buy him a plant and act all sad when he doesn't water it and it dies.

Be happy.

Give him anti-depressants.

Do the exact opposite of what he says.

Try to bring as many Death Eaters to your side as you can while he is in earshot.

General Facts Not Disclosed in the Books

*Prefects can take points; Ron got it wrong in Order of the Phoenix, which makes him a pretty poor prefect, eh?
*Fred and George Weasley were born on April Fool's day (no joke).
*Ginny Weasley's first name is Ginevra and she is the first female Weasley born for "several generations," says JK.
*Arthur Weasley has two brothers.
*Molly Weasley's maiden name is Prewett.
*Crookshanks is half Kneazle.
*The infamous Weasley cousin who was cut from the books was called Mafalda. She was in Slytherin.
*Dean Thomas's father was killed by Death Eaters when he refused to join them. Neither Dean nor his mother know this.
*Dean Thomas was named Gary in the first drafts of the Philosopher's Stone.
*Hagrid, Lily, and James were in Gryffindor. (Hagrid was NOT in Hufflepuff.)
*There are about a thousand students at Hogwarts. (True, that doesn't seem right, but J.K. said so, and she's the boss.)
*James Potter was a Chaser on the Gryffindor Quidditch team. (They said he was a Chaser in the books, Seeker in the movie.)
*Hermione's birthday is September 19th, Ron's is March 1st.
*James Potter inherited lots of money and didn't need a well-paying profession.
*James Potter inherited the Invisibility Cloak from his father.
*Witches and wizards have longer life-spans than Muggles.
*The Gringotts' goblins return the Muggle money they acquire back into circulation.
*The approximate value of a Galleon is about five pounds ($7.30 or 8.00 Euro), though the exchange rate varies.
*Dumbledore is 150, McGonagall is 70 (and is really an old softy, just doesn't act like it), Snape is 35 or 36.
*Hogwarts' school motto, "Draco Dormiens Nunquam Titillandus," means, "Never tickle a sleeping dragon."
*If placed in front of a mirror, the inscription on the Mirror of Erised ("Erised stra ehru oyt ube cafru oyt on whosi") reads, "I show not your face but your heart's desire."
*The happiest people do not become ghosts (therefore we can take it that ghosts are people that died while sad, angry, etc. Myrtle was teased, Nearly Headless Nick didn't have his head completely chopped off, the Bloody Baron was...lonely?)
*The Hogwarts teachers do not stay at Hogwarts during the Christmas holidays. Filch, Hagrid, and Dumbledore do.
*A few of the Hogwarts professors have spouses, but that information is restricted for reasons we will find out about later.
*To remove the tail that Hagrid gave Dudley in the hut on the rock, the Dursleys went to a private hospital where the staff was very discreet, and said that a wart had got out of control.
*Aragog is an Acromantula (see "Fantastic Beasts and Where to Find Them").
*Dragons can't be domesticated, no matter what Hagrid thinks.
*There is more to the cats in the story (Crookshanks, Mrs. Figg's cats, Mrs. Norris, etc.) than meets the eye.
*The animal an Animagus turns into is a reflection on his/her personality.
*For Hagrid, keeping dangerous creatures is all about overcoming something that could kill him.
*Azkaban is in a sea north of the North Sea. A very cold sea.
*You can do unfocused and uncontrolled magic without a wand (like when Harry blows up Aunt Marge), but to do really good spells, you need a wand.
*Muggle school is not required for wizard children prior to attending Hogwarts.
*A magical quill detects the birth of every magical child, and records it in a book; Professor McGonagall sends an owl to each child when he or she turns eleven.