I don't really want to sound like a lazy git in this one, but I feel something needs to be said and done about this one.

Personally, I don't drink Tea, or Coffee, or most hot drinks for that matter. Yet I am constantly fronted with making these fucking drinks for other people, I can understand that it can be considered a gesture of kindness, But I find that is only applicable for those appropriate situations.

It does my head in making it, people say that it is relaxing and tastes nice to drink, regardless of the amount of stress and effort that you put into making it. Usually you have to fill the kettle back up (usually because there isn't enough water for the amount of tea/coffee required, which can be quite awkward when there is aload of shit in the sink already. Then the laborious task of waiting for the fucking water to boil, you are left staring at the kettle like an invilid, constantly anticipating what by now would of seemed like an almost mythical event of the water boiling.

Now, I don't know really how to make Coffee, there are way to many variations depending on someones taste And every time you are faced with another one. So you're in the Kitchen and you put what you believe is an acceptable amount of Coffee granules into the cup/mug then you get a call in:

"Could you make mine medium strong?!"

Which is usually shouted at you, because you are presumably considered an extremely long distance away from civilisation. So again, you are stood there, scratching your head, thinking to yourself 'well how the fuck do I make a medium strong Coffee!?'. Is it to do with the amount of milk you use? The amount of Coffee?

It's a fucking mystery to me! The same thing is applicable with Tea, when they say they want "strong" Tea. Can't you just be happy with an average cup of Tea/Coffee? Clearly not.

You may be thinking by now, it's a simple task, why are you complaining about it?

I'm complaining because there are so many variables that are needless, like with sugar. When asked if they want sugar, a normal response would be, yes. Not in my house, people will say something stupid like 'sweet please', again, you are stumped at the concept of what 'sweet' could be. Or the worst one imaginable 'make me a nice cuppa tea'. What the fuck, it's like suggesting that your last one you made was a pile of shit, if that were the case, make it yourself with your taste in mind. I mean cut me some slack, exagerate your tastes a little bit more! I am not fucking clairovoyant!

The worst possible situation for making one of these drinks is when you make it for one person, then when you have bought them their drink, you are confronted with another person, a stranger to your home. Then the inevitable question is asked:

"Well aren't you going to make one for our guest?"

And thus the whole process is repeated. Way too much effort goes into these drinks, with me, it is just a case of pouring the drink I desire, then proceed to drink it with minimal effort require. Simple. As you can tell I have a moral obligation to making this bloody drink, if the person wanting it can't be bothered to make it, what the fuck makes them think anyone else is?! I mean, if you know how you want your fuckin' tea to taste, why don't you do it yourself? that way nothing can go wrong with it, or maybe it's because it is just a sick attempt to point the finger at your failure or some shit like that.

It's just like if you don't smoke and people know you don't smoke, yet they still ask you for a fucking cigerette, it's uncouth! I mean they don't expect you to put yourself out to provide them with a fag, so why should it be the same for Tea/Coffee? Why?

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Bombay Sapphire, London Dry Gin. For years now, I have wondered what mysterious tastes lay behind the fascinatingly apparant "blue liquid" that has sat staring at me from many a Bar and Off Licence.

I don't know what has been stopping from drinking it all this time, it hasn't really been shortage of money, or time. Infact, there is no real reason why I haven't tried it, considering it is pretty cheap the way alcohol is going these days.

So anyway, I have a student living in my house and the other night he went off to work party and thought of me by stealing aload of beer (not great beer, but free beer is good beer in the eyes of the beerholder) and a bottle of this drink, which has been elusive to my taste buds all this time.

I thought I would save the bottle for any parties that may come up. But, temptation got the better of me, I needed to try this drink (yes! I NEEDED to try this drink). I opened up my booze cupboard, retrieved the bottle and opened it.


Now, I'm sure most of you will agree that when you try something new, it is like natural response to smell it first, so I did. To my disgust, it smelt exactly of aftershave. That's 1 - 0 to me Bombay Sapphire. I then poured some into the cap of the bottle which revealed to me that fuckin' drink wasn't blue! It was the colour of the bloddy bottle! I was gutted, I have been betrayed by the colour blue! Everything that is blue tastes good, I have been lied to all this time, so if the liquid isn't blue, that mean the taste quality has decreased aswell. Further dissapointment, 2 - 0 to me.

After establishing that this thing smells like shit (booze is not supposed to smell like aftershave) and isn't blue. I cautiously proceed to drink it, bearing in mind I wanted to find out what it tastes like, not just neck it back. I get the drink in my mouth and oh my good god! I have never tasted a drink so rancid before in my life, I mean Lambrini is bad, but this shit is on a whole new level! It isn't blue! It smells of aftershave! And guess what? Tastes like fuckin' aftershave aswell.

Now I know Gin is a rank drink anyway, but this Gin should be like the ephiphany of what booze should not taste like! KISS once said that Cold Gin could be one of the best drinks there is during one of their live sets. THEY LIED! That's two more hits at the drink. 4 to fucking 0! How could this drink possibly be any good. Just look at the ingredients:

Spanish Almonds
Spanish Lemon Peel
Chinese Liqourice
Italian Juniper Berries
Saxony Angelica Root
Moroccon Coriander Seeds
Indo-Chinese Cassia Bark
Java Cubeb Berries
West African Grains of Paradise (What ever the fuck they are)

I mean it even sounds like some sort of organic aftershave! or some sort of crazy fucking cleaning detergent!

Personally, I never thought I would be complaining about an alcoholic beverage in such detail, usually you would just say how bad the drink is and never drink it again...well maybe for a laugh. But this drink was so vile that to be honest, it needed to be done and I can almost guarantee that it will be at the next party, because I'm certainly not fuckin' drinking it. I will give it to the most least suspecting victim who is drunk enough to down most of it in one go.

In short, don't be tempted by the pleasant sky blue colour this drink gives off, for all of you Gin lovers out there. You disgust me...
If you want a good blue alcoholic drink, buy Tropical Sourz, so lush!

It has been a long time since I posted my last blog and trust me, this one was looong overdue!

You all know this phenominal "toy"

The Grossman Alien Egg, for those of you who don't remember, allow me to give you a reminder:

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Yes, that fucking disgraceful thing. I'm sure by now you must remember it. A toy that plagued our childhood playgrounds, if you didn't have one, you weren't cool and you should stop trying. Infact if you didn't have one, it was almost like you were afflicted with some highly fatal and contageous desease (like with most playground fads).

So anyway, you come into school one day and it seems like a fairly normal day, until playtime. Then you notice an abnormally large group huddled around maybe one or two people, so being curious you plod onward to investigate to what potentially could be some very interesting viewing, or even better two kids battling it out WWF style (yes I still call it WWF, that's what it was called back then and it shall forever be known as that to me). So you get to the crowd, only to be confronted with a a half grey half seethrough egg shaped object filled with some sort of colourful putty and a strange thing encased in it. Is it some sort of new sweet? Is it that green goop you plant tree seeds in? Or is it some anal lube the kid accidently picked up in his mum and dads bedroom?

Nope, it is even better than that! According to the kid in possession of the fuckin' thing, it is its own little organism (made of strange polycarbonates but as a kid we can easily look past all that rubbish because at that time we wouldn't know what the fuck it was). So upon discovering that this thing is "alive" you start to think, well what the hell does it do then? It is just curled up doing fuck all! Then one kid says "THEY HAVE BABIES! THEY COME OUT OF ITS HEAD, I'VE SEEN MY MATES HAVE TWINS BEFORE!!!" Then the kid who has it starts to say how you look after it and how the gelly stuff round it is its food. Pretty amazing stuff for a kid.

Then eventually you get your turn to hold/touch it, then you make the fatal mistake of touching the 'aliens' head, the kid who owns it goes fuckin' apeshit at you. Ranting and raving about how you will kill it or its precious precious babies.

So, the school day ends and you are absolutely over the moon at this amazing find, tell your mum all about it and how you want one aswell, so you go to your local pound shop/post office to get one. I mean who wouldn't want one, it was like a tamagotchi you didn't have to look after 24 hours a day constantly cleaning the shit up after it and after spending hours a day to get it to like, you have to give it medicine so all your painstakingly hard work is ruined.

You get home! Take the wrapping off and get your alien out of its egg and begin to search for some sort of hole or opening this "baby" comes out of with no prevail. So the next day, almost everyone has one and now all of a sudden everyone knows everything about this creature. Whilst you stand there in the dark with this thing in your hand not knowing what the fuck to do with it...

All sorts of shit starts to circulate, how you have to rub their heads together for a baby, people who could miraculously tell the gender of these things, how to put them back in the egg properly, all sorts of shit like that. And there would always be 1-2 kids who had fucking seen this phenomina, the aliens giving birth, the horrid thing was, the numbers of kids who had seen this grew as time went on. And you didn't want to cut its head open just incase you killed it and the inevitable fear of dissapointment. There would also be atleast one kid with pockets full of those bloody alien fucking eggs, like some sort of breeder.

So after going through 10 quid of hard earned pocket money because the gelly had dried up in the egg which apparantly meant the alien was dead. I eventually gave up hope of seeing o