Out of 10, how much would you give me for...?
personality [ ]
looks [ ]
sanity [ ]
friendlyness [ ]
funniness [ ]
helpfulness [ ]
scariness [ ]
being fat [ ]
brains [ ]
existing [ ]
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Total = [ ]/[100]

'twaws a cold november day
when i made my way
to the supermarket down on the highstreet.
i got me some corned beef,
corn-on-the-cob so sweet and
some corn palsters for muh grandmas feet.
and it was then i met the lady
who damn near drove me crazy.
when i saw her my body felt a thrill,
my heart went pitter patter
and my teeth began to chatter
when i saw that sweet thing ringing up the till.

[chorus:
i'm in love with the check-out girl at tescos
she's the sweetest thing i've ever seen,
and every afternoon i'm standing in the queue
hoping she'll handle my baked beans.]

i stood there by the freezer,
and i swear i tried to please her,
i smiled at her and tried to talk real nice;
but she hardly gave a mutter
as she checked my cheese and butter
and i looked at me with eyes as cold as ice.
well, my heart was early breaking
so i wentbcak for some bacon,
some skinless sausage and a box of crackers,
and i stood there like a fool in that supermarket queue
with melted ice cream runnign down my legs.

i even brought fish fingers
just so's i could linger
and watch her fingers working on the keys.
i was burning hot with passion
as she fingered through my rations,
i could feel the butter running down my knees.
i went back six times or more,
bought oxo's by the score,
margarine, and a pair of bedroom slippers.
i asked for her phone number
as she wrapped up my cucumber,
and she hit me with a packet of frozen kippers.

well, i see her in my dreams,
stod by the clotted cream.
and we kiss and hug down alleyways of cornflakes,
and we cuddle and we kiss
by the smokey bacon crisps
and i wake up broken hearted when the dawn breaks.
and i'm spending all my money
on custard, soap and honey,
but i know that sweet thing will never be mine.
and as she wraps anotehr jar ofpickles
the tears begin to trickle -
'cos she's twenty-one, and i'm only nine!

granny's in the bathroom smokin' dope,
been there four hours, says she's lookin' for the soap.
smoke's comin' out through the bathroom door,
the cats lyin' stoned on the landing floor.

[chorus:
don't you give me no trouble,
don't give me no strife,
cos' you just can't beat this family life.]

sister's window has a big red light,
lots of men friends every night;
ladder runs up to her window-sill,
all you can hear is the ringin' of her till.

up in the attic is little brother Tom,
trying to make a neutron bomb,
been playign with his chemistry set for years,
that's why little sister's got four ears.

mother put an axe in the rentmans head,
buried him in the cellar, no-one knows he's dead;
gonna call her mother hubbard,
so many bones in the family cupboard.

dad goes out 'most every night,
climbing roofs in the pale moonlight;
they say he's like robin hood abit,
'cos he robs from the rich and keeps it.

grandad's made his own moonshine
from metal polish and turpentine;
the dog drank soem and started to cough
sparks from it's ass and it's fur fell off.