Humorous Sayings

In Order to get the handsome prince, you have to kiss a lot of toads.

Never forget a friend, especially those that owe you--Chinese Proverb

If a man is standing in the middle of the forest speaking, and there is no woman around to hear him, is he still wrong?

Better to understand a little than to misunderstand a lot.

Everyone is gifted. Some open the package sooner.

Suburbs are areas where they cut down trees and then name the streets after them.

The 50-50-90 rule: Anytime you have a 50-50 chance of getting something right, there's a 90% probability you'll get it wrong.

You can't have everything, where would you put it?

I'd like to help you out. Which way did you come in?

It may be your sole purpose in life to serve as a warning to others.

Strangers have the best candy.

Humpty-Dumpty was pushed!

Before you criticize someone, walk a mile in their shoes. That way, you'll be a mile from them, and you'll have their shoes. -Jack Handy

There are 3 kinds of people: those who can count & those who can't.

Earth is the insane Asylum for the universe.

Out of my mind. Back in five minutes.

A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.

I almost had a psychic boyfriend, but he left me before we met!

Borrow money from pessimists-they don't expect it back!

If at first you DO succeed, try not to look astonished!

If I want your opinion, I'll ask you to fill out the necessary forms.

I can only please one person per day. Today is not your day. Tomorrow doesn't look too good either.

When the blind leadeth the blind, get out of the way.

Keep smiling - it makes everyone wonder what you're up to.

Never drink water - if it can rust iron, imagine what it can do to your stomach.

There's always a light at the end of the tunnel...just hope it's NOT a train!

I'm not littering... I'm donating to the earth.

If it doesn't fit, force it; if it breaks, it needed replacement anyway.

If you dont like the way I drive, get off the sidewalk!

Chaos, panic, pandemonium - my work here is done.

DEAR IRS, Please cancel my subscription.

G-d, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to hide the bodies of the people I had to kill because they annoyed me.

Proofread carefully to see if you any words out.

A tree never hits an automobile except in self-defence.

Buy one for the price of two and get the second one free!

Did you know that dolphins are so intelligent that within only a few weeks of captivity, they can train Americans to stand at the very edge of the pool and throw them fish.

How long a minute is depends on what side of the bathroom door you're on.

If the left side of your brain controls the right side of your body, then only left handed people are in their right mind.

If two wrongs don't make a right, try three.

If you blow in a dog's face-he'll get mad at you, but take him for a ride in the car - the first thing he does is stick his head out of the window!

Man is a peculiar creature. He spends a fortune making his home insect-proof and air-conditioned, and then eats in the yard.

Only in America do we have drive up ATM's with braile on them.

The only 15 letter word that can be spelled without repeating a letter is 'uncopyrightable'!

The only ones who aren't grateful on Thanksgiving are turkeys.

Whoever said nothing is impossible never tried slamming a revolving door.

Education is what you get from reading the small print. Experience is what you get from not reading it.

It doesn't matter what temperature the room is. It's always room-temperature.

money may not buy happiness, but it sure makes misery much easier to live with.

Anyone who says 'Easy as taking candy from a baby' has never tried it.

ALWAYS LATE but worth the wait.

I'd have a photographic memory but it wa

1. Men are like ........Laxatives ...... They irritate the shit out of you.
2. Men are like .......Bananas ...... The older they get, the less firm they
are.
3. Men are like ......Weather ..... Nothing can be done to change them.
4. Men are like .......Blenders ..... You need One, but you're not quite
sure why.
5. Men are like ......Chocolate Bars ... Sweet, smooth, &they usually head
right for your hips.
6. Men are like ....Commercials ...... You can't believe a word they say.
7. Men are like .Department Stores ..... Their clothes are always 1/2 off.
8. Men are like ........Government Bonds .... They take soooooooo long to
mature.
9. Men are like .....Mascara ...... They usually run at the first sign of
emotion.
10. Men are like ......Popcorn ..... They satisfy you, but only for a little
while.
11. Men are like ... Snowstorms .... You never know when they're coming, how
many inches you'll get or how long it will last.
12. Men are like .......Lava Lamps .... Fun to look at, but not very bright.