''Hey, Earl, did you hear about me and the Cheeto? Oh, it was pretty amazing. I was eating some Cheetos, and I missed my mouth with one, and it bounced off my chin and onto my shoulder, and then it rolled all the way down my arm and right back into the bag. Everyone at the Crab Shack is talking about it...[pauses]...I made it up, Earl. It would be pretty cool if it happened, though.''

''Man, I wish I had robot legs. Or robot hands. Robot hands would be cool. With like a knife finger, and a spoon finger, and a fork finger, and a toothbrush finger, and a comb finger, and a bottle opener finger, and a flashlight finger, and a screwdriver finger. But regular thumbs. You gotta have regular thumbs.''

''I still can't believe you didn't call me when you were playing paintball. It combines two of my favorite things. Toy guns and paint...Wait, three things. I also like balls. Balls of paint! I like balls of paint.''

''Being a metal detective's gotta be the best job in the whole world. You get to see what's everyone's got in their pockets.''

''That poor little monkey. He just wanted to phone home.''

''Another doll's head, Earl! That makes four. Just think, if these were real heads, this would be a terible day.''

''When you said different kind of cavity, did you mean butt cavity?...Sometimes I don't like the world we live in.''

''That's not fair, Earl. A dog's used to racing on all fours. I bet he won. Did he win?...Still, great day. Paintball and you got to race an animal. You'll beat him next time, you just have to practice. Unless the dog practices too. Which he probably will.''

''...and I want a puppy. But not just any puppy, a puppy that does tricks. And please make it warmer in the motel at night, or at least let me find my thick socks. And if it wouldn't freak people out too much, let me live forever. Amen.''

''Yeah. Richer than what-you-talkin-bout's white daddy.''

''Tinkle. That is so stupid. I wonder what he calls 'Going ploppies.'''

''Look, Kenny, I'm sleeping and the TV screen is doing Zs like I'm sleeping.''
--Sleeping on the computer keyboard during a typing test in 'Stole P's HD Cart'

''I don't know why people complain about this asbestos stuff. It doesn't smell so bad.''

''Look at this. Life in the city. You can do anything and be anything. Do you think they'd mind if I slid across the shiny floor in my socks?''

''If I check 'McNuggeted,' do you think they'll let me have two different dipping sauces? I like hot mustard for the first bite, but I like to chase it with a little honey on the second bite. You know, it's like having a small meal followed by a tiny dessert every ten to fifteen seconds.''

''I found a box of pencils that look like pens. But they're pencils. See? Looks like a pen? It's a pencil!''

''Look at all those people in suits, Earl. It's just like when Ted from Bill & Ted put on his magic sunglasses and went into the Matrix.''

''Randy who? Randy me? Those are my pants. I think its Randy me. Is it Randy me?''
--Hoping that found paycheck is his in 'Didn't Pay Taxes'

''I bet he's had twenty beers today. That's how many I had when I tried to plug the television into that dog.''
--Observing a drunk man, 'BB'

''What am I?''
--To his mom, after overhearing her say she has one bad son and one simple son, and that Earl is the bad one, 'Cost Dad the Election'

''You're going to girl jail. That's way different than regular jail...Cuz it's chicks. It's just Truth or Dare and pillow fights. Like a slumber party.''
--Comforting Joy, 'Bounty Hunter'

''I don't like to complain about free food but this hotdog tastes like...zoo.''

''It's not fun being blind. Why is Stevie Wonder always smiling? Maybe he can't see that he's smiling. Am I smiling, Earl?''
--On his first day in the job of cosmetics tester in 'Monkey's in Space'

"I never understood how Bill is short for William. If anything Bill should be short for Billiam"

"Maybe you should listen to Ca

Chuck Norris' tears cure cancer. Too bad he has never cried!
Chuck Norris counted to infinity - twice.
When the Boogeyman goes to sleep every night he checks his closet for Chuck Norris.
Chuck Norris has already been to Mars; that's why there are no signs of life there.
They once made a Chuck Norris toilet paper, but it wouldn't take shit from anybody.
Chuck Norris' calendar goes straight from March 31st to April 2nd; no one fools Chuck Norris.
Chuck Norris was originally cast as the main character in 24, but was replaced by the producers when he managed to kill every terrorist and save the day in 12 minutes and 37 seconds.
Chuck Norris can do a wheelie on a unicycle.
Chuck Norris does not sleep. He waits.
Superman owns a pair of Chuck Norris pajamas.
Once a cobra bit Chuck Norris' leg. After five days of excruciating pain, the cobra died.
There is no chin behind Chuck Norris' beard. There is only another fist.
There is no theory of evolution, just a list of creatures Chuck Norris allows to live.
Chuck Norris once shot down a German fighter plane with his finger, by yelling, "Bang!"
Chuck Norris has two speeds: Walk and Kill.
When Chuck Norris falls in water, Chuck Norris doesn't get wet. Water gets Chuck Norris.
Chuck Norris’ house has no doors, only walls that he walks through.
Chuck Norris grinds his coffee with his teeth and boils the water with his own rage.
Chuck Norris doesn't read books. He stares them down until he gets the information he wants.
Chuck Norris is not hung like a horse... horses are hung like Chuck Norris.
Chuck Norris can kill two stones with one bird.
Ghosts are actually caused by Chuck Norris killing people faster than Death can process them.
Chuck Norris can build a snowman out of rain.
When Chuck Norris enters a room, he doesn't turn the lights on, he turns the dark off.
Chuck Norris can drown a fish.
Chuck Norris can strangle you with a cordless phone.
Chuck Norris once had an erection while lying face down and struck oil.
Chuck Norris can tie his shoes with his feet.
Chuck Norris does not know where you live, but he knows where you will die.
Death once had a near-Chuck-Norris experience.
Bullets dodge Chuck Norris.
When God said, "Let there be light", Chuck Norris said, "say please."
Chuck Norris cannot predict the future; the future just better fucking do what Chuck Norris says.
Chuck Norris and Mr. T walked into a bar. The bar was instantly destroyed, as that level of awesome cannot be contained in one building.