Lady Diana and Pamela Anderson die on the same day, and they both go before St.Peter to find out if they'll be admitted to heaven. Unfortunately, there's only one space left that day, so St. Peter must decide which of them gets in.

St. Peter asks Pamela if there's some particular reason why she should go to heaven, so she takes off her top and says, "Look at these. They're the most perfect ones God ever created, and I'm sure it will please him to be able to see them every day for eternity."

St. Peter thanks Pamela, and asks Diana the same question. Diana drops her skirt and panties, takes a bottle of Perrier out of her purse, shakes it up, and douches with it. St. Peter says, "OK, Diana, you may go in. Have a nice day."

Pamela is outraged. She screams, "What was that all about? I show you two of God's own creations, she performs a disgusting, pornographic act, and she gets in and I don't?!!!"

"Sorry, Pamela, but a royal flush beats a pair any day

20 Years In Jail

A woman awoke during the night to find that her husband was not in bed. She put on her robe and went downstairs.

He was sitting at the kitchen table with a cup of coffee in front of him. He appeared to be in deep thought, just staring at the wall.

She saw him wipe a tear from his eye and take a sip of his coffee.

"What's the matter dear? Why are you down here at this time of night?" she asked.

"Do you remember twenty years ago when we were dating and you were only 16?" he asked.

"Yes, I do," she replied.

"Do you remember when your father caught us in the back seat of my car?"

"Yes, I remember."

"Do you remember when he shoved that shotgun in my face and said, 'Either you marry my daughter or spend twenty years in jail'?"

"Yes, I do," she said. He wiped another tear from his cheek and said, " You know, I would have gotten out today. "

New Bride

Concerned about her relationship, a woman approaches her doctor and says, "Doc, I'm getting married this weekend and my fiance thinks I'm a virgin & I'm not! Is there anything you can do to help me?"

The doctor says, "Medically, no, but here's something you can try. On the wedding night, when you're getting ready for bed, take an elastic band and slide it to your upper thigh. When your husband puts it in, snap the elastic band and tell him it's your virginity snapping."

The woman loves this idea and knows her hubby will fall for this. They have a beautiful wedding and retire to the honeymoon suite. The wife gets ready for bed in the bathroom, slips the elastic band up her leg, finishes preparing and climbs into bed with her man.

Things begin to progress - her hubby "slips it in" and just then she snaps the elastic band. The hubby asks, "What the heck was that?"

The wife explains, "Oh nothing honey, that was just my virginity snapping."

The husband cries out, "Well snap it again, it's got my balls!


The Penis requests a promotion and a raise for the following reasons:

- has to work hard;
- has to work at great depths;
- has to work upside down;
- has no ventilation or air conditioned environment at work;
- has to work in a high humidity environment;
- has to work at high temperatures;
- does not get weekends and holidays off;
- even has to work more at weekends and holidays
- does not get time off after extra hours of work;
- has a hazardous work environment that often causes professional sickness.

Request Denied ... for the following reasons:

- does not work 8 hours in a row;
- does not answer immediately to all requests;
- needs continuous attention to perform at work;
- after a short activity period, falls asleep at work;
- retires too early;
- does not work at all unless pushed from behind;
- does not leave the workplace clean after finishing work;
- sometimes leaves work, too early


Although it i

H E A R T S


Away up in Gorgie at Tynecastle Park
There's a wee fitba' team that will aye make its mark
They've won all the honours in footballing arts
And there's nae ither team to compare with the Hearts

Chorus
H E A R T S
If you cannae spell it then here's what it says
Hearts, Hearts, glorious Hearts
It's down at Tynecastle they bide
The talk of the toon are the boys in maroon
And Auld Reekie supports them with pride

This is my story, this is my song
Follow the Hearts and you can't go wrong
Oh some say that Celtic and Rangers are grand
But the boys in maroon are the best in the land

We've won the League flag and we've won the League Cup
Though we sometimes go down we can aye go back up
Our forwards can score and it's no idle talk
Our defence is as strong as the auld castle rock

National caps we can always supply
Like Massey and Walker and Bauld and Mackay
If I had the time I could name dozens more
Who've helped in producing the auld Hampden roar




WE'RE GOING 2 EUROPE


And now, the end is near
We've followed Hearts, from Perth to Paisley
We've travelled far, by bus and car
And other times, we've went by railway
We've been, to Aberdeen
We hate the Hibs, they make us spew up
So make a noise you Gorgie Boys
We're going to Europe

To see, HMFC
We'll even dig, the Channel Tunnel
When we're afloat, on some big boat
We'll tie our scarves, around the funnel
We have no cares, for other players
Like Rossi, Boniek or Tardelli
When we're overseas, the Hibs will be
In Portobelly
The might of Europe

We all can laugh, at Hibs
When we play Chelsea, Metz or Inter
They'll be up at Dundee
And relegated by mid winter
While we go, marching on
And show the Huns, the way to do it
They lost again, while we had slain
The might of Europe

The day's, not far away
When we will reach, the heights of glory
We'll follow Hearts, through foreign parts
And Gorgie Boys, will tell the story
How we scored three, at Napoli
Hibs lost away, again, at Greenock
When Hibs went down, we took the crown
As Kings of Europe