70% of a human's weight is water. 70% of Zakk Wylde's weight is guitar skill.

When the Boogeyman goes to sleep every night, he checks his closet for Zakk Wylde.

The chief export of Zakk Wylde is pain.

Jesus can walk on water, but Zakk Wylde can swim through dry land.

Zakk Wylde doesn't read books. He stares them down until he gets the information he wants.

There is no theory of evolution. Just a list of creatures Zakk Wylde has allowed to live.

Outer space exists because it's afraid to be on the same planet with Zakk Wylde.

Zakk Wylde does not sleep. He waits.

Zakk Wylde is currently suing NBC, claiming Law and Order are trademarked names for his left and right fists.

Zakk Wylde is the reason why Waldo is hiding.

Zakk Wylde counted to infinity - twice.

When Zakk Wylde does a pushup, he isn’t lifting himself up, he’s pushing the Earth down.

Zakk Wylde's hand is the only hand that can beat a Royal Flush.

Zakk Wylde can lead a horse to water AND make it drink.

Zakk Wylde doesn’t wear a watch, HE decides what time it is.

Zakk Wylde does not get frostbite. Zakk Wylde bites frost

If you have five pounds and Zakk Wylde has five pounds, Zakk Wylde has more money than you.

There is no 'ctrl' button on Zakk Wylde's computer. Zakk Wylde is always in control.

Zakk Wylde drives an ice cream truck covered in the melted faces of his victims.

Zakk Wylde doesn’t wash his clothes, he disembowels them.

Zakk Wylde's arms were what really sunk the titanic.

The opening scene of the movie "Saving Private Ryan" is loosely based on guitar warm up with Zakk Wylde.

'The Grand Canyon' is the name used to describe any woman that has slept with Zakk Wylde.

Zakk Wylde can never rape anyone. Rape would imply it wasn't wanted. Everyone wants Zakk Wylde.

Scientists have estimated that the energy given off during the Big Bang is roughly equal to Zakk Wylde pinch harmonic.

If tapped, Zakk Wylde's arms could power the country of Australia for 44 minutes.

For some, the left testicle is larger than the right one. For Zakk Wylde's, each testicle is larger than the other one.

On his birthday, Zakk Wylde randomly selects one lucky child to be thrown into the sun.

Little known medical fact: Zakk Wylde invented the Caesarean section when he played a riff in his monther's womb.

Zakk Wylde is responsible for China's over-population. He went on holiday in Beijing and all women within 1,000 miles became pregnant instantly.

The day Zakk Wylde hit a wrong note is the real life day known as 'The Day the Earth Stood Still'.

Zakk Wylde fucked a girl into a coma.

Zakk Wylde was receiving head and gave the girl a brain tumor.

A study showed the leading causes of death in the United States are: 1. Heart disease, 2. Not agreeing with Zakk Wylde, 3. Cancer

Zakk Wylde can make a woman orgasm by pointing at her and saying 'Boo-Yah!'

Looking directly at Zakk Wylde's beard with the naked eye will cause your head to instantly explode three times.

Rome wasn't built in a day, but withZakk Wylde;s arms it was destroyed in one.

God created man, Zakk Wylde created God.

Zakk Wylde attended an mosh pit. There were no survivors…

Zakk Wylde can shoot down planes by pointing at them and saying 'Bang'.

Zakk Wylde recently had the idea to sell his urine as a canned beverage. We know this beverage as Red Bull.

If at first you don't succeed, you're not Zakk Wylde.

Zakk Wylde wears a live rattlesnake as a condom.

The Bible was originally titled "Zakk Wylde and Friends"

Zakk Wylde's guitar is actually his own father.

Zakk Wylde guitar skill is what wiped out the Dinosaurs.

When Zakk Wylde goes swimming he doesn't get wet, the water gets Zakk Wylde

Zakk Wylde invented every colour. Except pink. Fred Durst invented pink.

Zakk Wylde gave Mona Lisa that smile.

Zakk Wyldecan slam a revolving door.

Some kids piss their name in the snow. Zakk Wylde can p

RIght...
1) (In A Russian Accent) Your Face Insults My Family

2) LEIONIDAS BEAR!

3) So Hows You?...
Yer Ma

4) Argh...Im On Two's *Scratches Nose*

5) Here Fits The Difference Between Sean And A Rock?...The Rock's Funny (Even I found that funny)

6) BRING ON THE TRUMPETS!

7) Thats Reight Funny Cuz Its Reight Bollox

Imagine Organizing A Sex Party And Nobody Came

9) (In Russian Accent) In Russia We Like To Get Naked...You Like?

10) Im An Ogre...RAHHH...Ya Prick

11) AH My Funny's Gone All Vision!

12) Hmmm...Anal Blast...Don't You Mean Fart?

13) DOCTOR OCTAGONAPUSS BLAAAHH

14) Here The Floods Outro Is The Best Intro Evir Eh?

15) Here DInna Speak Wee Yer Mouth Open

16) (In Russian Accent) I MAKE SOUND WITH MUSIC BOX!

17) (Russian Accent) Soviet Russia, Car Drive You

1 Me: "Im walking across the field to get the bus"
Keelz: "Oh.."
10 Minutes later..
Keelz: "I thought you were getting the bus?"

19) OFFSIDE BAWHEID!

20) What's Brown And Sticky?
A Stick

21)*Chav Walks Past Me & Chris* "Donkdadonkdadonkdonkdonk"

22) *in Regi* 'Ross Why Are You Only Wearing One Glove?
'Why Aren't You?'

23) *Some Guy At Craigs Work* Im Gan Tae Slap The Polish Outta Ye

24)*Me And Kevin In Maths* Kevin: "Here, Sean Fits 3X1?"
Me:"Eh?...3 X 86.75-80090 Carry The 6 X Purple + PIE!...its 3..."
Kevin: "Ah I See How Ye Used Pruple There" *Kevin Nods*

25) *Seth's Ma Stops Beside Us And Opens Her Car Door So Seth Walks Over And Pretends To Carjack Her...So She Punches Him In The Nuts And Drives Off* Here Seth's Ma Should Be In GTA Eh?

26) "Let's Do 'The John' "

27) "Hey, Your Dave Mustane, Aren't You That Guy From Metallica?" *duh nah nuna*

2 *Some Quine Talking To Kevin*
Some Girl: Here Do Yous Wank?
Kevin*In A Weird Accent*: HOW DO U THINK WE GET THROUGH SUNDAYS EH?
Some Girl: EEEEWWWWWW!
Kevin: Do You Touch Yersel?
Some Girl: The Only Time I Touch Myself Is To Put On Fake Tan.
Kevin: ........................... Ewww You Don't Shower ........You Smell Funny!

29) *Me And Ryan Speaking In Wierd Old Guy Voice's And Romy*
Me: Candy Cane
Ryan: Candy Cane
Romy: I'm A Jew

30) Go Shit Yer Sel Eh?

31) *Kevin In Maths*
Kevin: "Mrs Smith...Im Ill..."
Mrs Smith: " Do You Want To Go Home?"
Kevin: " No, I Can't Risk My EMA"

32) -2.743 To The Power Of 10...
The Numerical Value Of Yer Ma

33) *Me, Kevin, Tedz And Lewis In Maths*
Kevin: "Just Cuz We're Gan Tae See SlipKnot And Yous Are Gan Tae See Steriophonics" *Kevin Laughs*
Lewis: "Aye, Well Yous Will Come Out Black And Blue"
Me: "Aye, We'll Come Out Black And Blue Fae SlipKnot While At Steriophonics Yous Will Be Havin A Pillow Fight"

34) *Me, Craig Stanger and Kevin M* (Me And Kevin Were Arugin Bout Somethin)
Craig: " Shup Or I'll Pop Both Your Ass Cherries!"
Me: " Here Craig...At No Exactly A Threat To Kevin Is It?"

35) *I Typed =( In To A Calculator* Me: "Kevin...You Made My Calculator Sad...You Bastard"

36) (Mine And Kevin's Brilliant Insult) " Im Gonna Punch You So Hard Yer Ma'll Feel It, Then Pump Her So Hard You'l Feel It"

37) SHOOF!

3 *Kevin M Had A Hula Hoop*
Me: "Aye, At's The Only Thrustin' Action You'll Ever Get"

39) *Kevin M Got A Pair Of Ear Muffs*
Me: "Aye, At's The Only Muff You'll Ever See!"

40)Dougie: "You Guys Come UT...I've Got Pot"

41) Me: "So I Take It Your Nae Gan Tae The Cancer Pants Gig...Hud On..."

42) Someone: "No Matter How You Disguise It, It's Still Litter"
Seth: "What If You Disguised It As A Parked Car?"
Me: "Then It Would Be A Littering Parked Car"

43) What's Red And Blowey Upey?
A Terrorist With A Sunburn

44) Teddy : What Could Possibly Into Six And Sixteen?
Sean : Two?
Teddy : Fuck...¬¬

45) *Kennedy's Wearing A Sticker Sayin "I Shagged Your Ma"*
Mrs. Smith: Is That Your Work Jumper?

Leave A Comment If You Want Something Added

Cheers

1. People who point at their wrist while asking for the time....I know
where my watch is pal, where the fuck is yours? Do I point at my crotch
when I ask where the toilet is?

2. People who are willing to get off their arse to search the entire
room for the TV remote because they refuse to walk to the TV and change
the channel manually.

3. When people say "Oh you just want to have your cake and eat it too".
Fucking right! What good is a cake if you can't eat it?

4. When people say "it's always the last place you look". Of course it
is. Why the fuck would you keep looking after you've found it? Do people
do this? Who and where are they?

5. When people say while watching a film "did you see that?". No
tosser, I paid 10 quid to come to the cinema and stare at the fucking
floor.

6. People who ask "Can I ask you a question?. Didn't really give me a
choice there, did you sunshine?

7. When something is 'new and improved!'. Which is it? If it's new,
then there has never been anything before it. If it's an improvement,
then there must have been something before it.

8. When people say "life is short". What the fuck?? Life is the longest
damn thing anyone ever fucking does!! What can you do that's longer?

9. When you are waiting for the bus and someone asks, "Has the bus come
yet?. If the bus came would I be standing here, Knob head?

10. People who say things like 'My eyes aren't what they used to be'. So
what did they used to be? ears, Wellington boots?

11. When you're eating something and someone asks 'Is that nice?' No
it's really revolting - I always eat stuff I hate.

12. People who announce they are going to the toilet. Thanks that's an
image I really didn't need.

13. McDonalds staff who pretend they don't understand you if you don't
insert the 'Mc' before the item you are ordering..... It has to be a
McChicken Burger, just a Chicken Burger gets blank looks. Well I'll have
a McStraw and jam it in your McEyes you fucking McTosser