Four Jamaicans were sitting around a camp fire near the beach. They were all "philosophizing" on whgat the fastest thing in the world.
Seymour said,"i tink de fassess ting in the world is a "thought", because before you can tink it,it already thought."
Mildred said,"no man, the fassess ting in da worl' is a blink because b4 u can tink u dun blink already.
Lucy sed,"no no the fassess ting in da world is helecticity bcos when u turn on de light switch de 'lectric travel farss-farss and the lite com on b4 u dun no it.
Leroy sed,"all ah-onooo wrong!! da fastest ting in da whole worl' is diarrhea. Every1 sey "diarrhea?"
Leroy sedyes man cause las nite ev'n b4 i cud tink,blink or turn on de lite dem i done shit up meh self..

People who point at their wrist while asking for the time. I know where my watch is buddy, where the fuck is yours? Do I point at my dick when I ask where the bathroom is?

People who are willing to get off their ass to search the entire room for the TV remote because they refuse to walk to the TV and change the channel manually.

When people say "It's always in the last place you look". Of course it is. Why the fuck would you keep looking after you've found it? Do people do this? Who and where are they?

When people say, while watching a movie "Did you see that?" No dickhead, I paid £5.00 to come to the theatre and stare at the fucking ceiling. What did you come here for?

People who ask "Can I ask you a question?" Didn't really give me a choice there, did ya buddy?

When something is "new and improved", which is it? If it's new, then there has never been anything before it. If it's an improvement, then there must have been something before it.

When a cop pulls you over and then asks if you know how fast you were going? You should know asshole, you fucking pulled me over.

When people say "Life is short." What the fuck?? Life is the longest damn thing anyone ever fucking does!! What? Are they going to fucking do something that's longer?