My novel to you Kat

As most people know as soon as my mouth opens the first thing that happens is everyone with a 10 mile radius thinks im talking/bitching about them so I thought id write an open letter to you Kat!

You came to a party with your mum because you honestly have no friends and obviously no shame either ! You say you knew half the people in there anyway so how come you had your head buried in your phone all night and weren’t in a full scale conversation with all your “FRIENDS” and generally looked “LONERED” to me! As much as my corner was shady there were people in that corner still young enough to walk the length of a bus, unlike yours ! I have loads of friends your mums age too there called neighbours and grandparents but you wouldn’t catch me at anyone’s 21st with them !

Next thing I want to put across to you is I am very sorry I entered the facility at a time which did not suit you , your mother and her 200 friends I know old people feel the strain of the long winter nights and I sincerely apologise for having them have to wait to an unreasonable time for me to enter the building as I did not know it was my group you were waiting for! I do hope you managed to get them back to the nursing home safe and well !

The other thing is this Quote that you actually typed,

“everyone at that party said that I was one of hardly any that looked really nice suppose though if I wore bin bags I would still be better than you

NOPE!!!!

Because what you were wearing did actually look like a bin bag matched with a pair of disgusting fluorescent pink high heels which didn’t make you look better than ANY girl in there!

Sorry to go all Gok Wan on you but that’s another one of my opinions

Last but not least ive been wanting to get these of my chest for a long time , the last line of your RANT says “LOVE LIFE” ive always wondered how you could talk about love when your relationship has so many unanswered questions like

What was Jamie doing with Heather in the kitchen at your 18th with the door shut ?

Was he lighting candles or poking pie ?

Who is Mark Loudon ?

Does Jamie know who Mark Loudon is ?

I think you Should tell him that Kat its just not my place !


Anyway Love life , love friends and most of all keep loving yourself.

Signed and sealed by BeaverBoy09

“ its all about the confidence”

Well hello everyone. Summer is finally here and as always it’s as unpredictable as Amy Winehouse after 9 millers and a pint of vodka! Even though everyone’s walking around with there umbrellas going up and down like a pedophiles erection in a park im actually enjoying the start of this one for a change!

As some of you probably know ive lost my job and im currently on the hunt, some people might take the noose and do a David Carradine while shooting your load! But im actually quite happy to be made redundant because the jobcentre doors are the arsehole of clydebank and they must be on those Alli tablets because they’re shitting out junkie after junkie, which I figure may give me more stuff to write in these blogs!

Monday was my first day of unemployment for over 5 years but due too routine I was still up at 5:50 making breakfast for my lovely girlfriend Kelly who unlike me is still employed. So as any hopeless romantic like myself would do I got up and made her an amazing breakfast. It didn’t take as long as I thought it might 2:00 mins for the kettle to boil and another 1:30 mins to pour her weetos, it would have taken 1:00 if I didn’t search the pack for the wee cool toy thing only too realize it was vouchers on the side of the pack , sneaky fucker that specky professor!

Once Kelly headed to work I sat on the laptop job hunting I was on for the best part of an hour and I swear to god the only job that I was qualified for was a 9 hour a week retail job which made me quite depressed the only thing is i was still horny due to my morning erection! Fearing another bout of the Carrdines I slammed the laptop shut and fucked off to watch telly, Bad idea I had the choice of DON’T MAKE ME ANGRY or JEREMY KYLE as I was already going to be meeting the cast of Jeremy Kyle in the jobcentre that afternoon I sided with the anger show it was about teens who can’t control there anger issues this episode was about 16 yr old Jamie the Goth from Cleveland who not only attempted suicide but regularly uses himself as a knife sharpening tool but that summed this little shit up in one word “TOOL” this attention seeking little Satan lover just needed a hug from dad and maybe a blow job from Dr Rachel Andrew to set him straight! Now im not the jealous type and Dr Rachel doesn’t do it for me but this little chopping board got to go to ubisoft London to talk to the game designers as to help him with his confidence! Now I remember back when I was suffering from depression Dr Jabyerpoo sent me to a phsycologist at hardgate cross which done fuck all for me ! All I done was go into a room with a 20st women while the only things she asked me where

Psychologist- How do you feel today Mr Mactavish?

Me - Just like yesterday and the day before!

phy- what is it you actually feel?

Me- I feel like if working in Argos is all my life is worth i may aswell stick a carrot up my arse and hang from the door frame!

Phy- oh right well you could look for another job then, maybe in a fruit and veg shop?

Me- I have there isn’t any, plus im only doing 15 hours a week and I can’t get tax credits!

Phy- 15 hours! No wonder you want to die if you can’t find another job and your hours still stay the same I would probably just get that carrot and do yourself in!

Me- Thanks you fat shit!

Now it didn’t quite go like that but you get the idea there fucking useless this women had a degree on how to patronize the shit out of you! Asking questions as if im a pensioner with an increaser 5000 hearing aid.

Im all better now though due to family and friends getting me through and not 1 of them had a qualification never mind a degree!

So after an hour of gothic bed sheets, Marilyn Manson posters and punching holes in walls I thought I better turn this shite off and head to the jobcentre. The journey there was mostly pensioners nothing much to write about only one of them stood out from the rest she had the look of a

Howdy my friends just a wee short blog since ive not updated any for a long time.

I always get a half day on a Friday (jealous, ano! ) so i decided once i got home id get a shower have a kip and then take my wee cousin for a swim BUT between me and my showery heaven and fluffy pillows was a Dumbarton central - singers train and then a singers - faifley bus!. To some this may sound like a lovely journey, reading a metro, looking at the clyde and having small talk with the cheery, rosey cheeked ticket inspector. Not me im a regular commuter on Glasgow’s low life form of travel. the rosiest cheeks ill be seeing is from the alkie bastard sitting across from me humming of pish and the metros are usually soaked in the same yellowy- orange liquid and the only time i look at the Clyde is too see if i can see any washed up bloated bodies after a bungee-free dive off the Erskine bridge !

As i loaded myself onto the 12:02 to Airdrie i had a look up and down the carriage and to my relief there was no junkies, jakies or loud little bastards with their nokia ghetto blasters 3000. So i sat down and got myself excited about the prospects of a gas expanded rotting corpse...

...until Dumbarton east, BEEP BEEP BEEP chimed out letting me know the doors of hell had just slid open leaving me vulnerable too the slimy dungeons of dumbarton. Looking to my right i could see a family gathering there weeks shopping BUT they where not a normal looking bunch the fact the dad was over 6ft tall and must have weighed 4 st had me fascinated i can only describe him as a trampy clothed praying mantis and the only praying this MAN-tis has been doing is to the god of jaggymeup!, his wife was slighty heavier but had as many teeth as i do arms, she was spaced out her tits at a respectable 12:06 in the afternoon as they say the early bird catches the giro, dealer and the shopping! not only that they had two kids with them but i would never verbally assault a kid...

...until the little bastard was denied something from the shopping bag, i missed what this little future jaggeymeupper actually wanted due to mr Sam Cooke on the ipod but it must have been something so god damn good that if he didnt get it self harming could be the only thing to replace it. He first yelled at his spaced out parent "i hate you ya fucking cow" followed by a diving header off the padded seat realizing it had no noise or effect on his mother he then changed tactics to standing on a seat and banging his little gerry helmet barnet off the caledonia express train timetable, now this was louder but still not good enough to be rewarded with whatever was in that bag. Just like the apple Isaac Newton watched fall from the tree this little nippers brain started ticking, it must have went something like this Glass window + gerry helmet shaped head - brains cells due too heroin use during conceivement = loud ass bang and his chosen item from the bag of mystery...

...when this kids head hammered the window he even had my full attention, while i tried to spot white fluid drip from his ear due to the fractured skull, all his mum said was "MCKENZIE SIT DOON BEFORE YE FAW" even i couldnt believe what i was watching, this kid must have watched woody the fucking woodpecker 1 too many times ! on my journey home i manged too watch a kid give himself a fucking brain haemorhage over what ever was in his junkie parents bag, it must have been well worth it cause when i departed he was still on the seat ready too drill his nut in to the window, now the only things id have nutted a window over at that age would be the turtles blimp, a real proton pack and a swatch off jessica rabbits tits(you choose what nutting im meaning !).

The next incident was on the number 62 heading back into clydebank with my wee cousin callum, it was a fairly quiet bus up until two junkies got on at the top of the hill. I will call them Paul (watch the needle dissapear) Daniels and his very obese assistant Debbie yo