"the boys droped me off at the chipper on the way 2 a gaff party...went up 2 d window nd started bangin it but dey wer closein...ur man cums ovr n goes wot d'ya want?...i go a bag of chips r a chip kebab if ye can....ur man goes nah i cant do ya a chip kebab....so i go alri il jus hve a bag of chips so...i go in and sit dwn nd ur man who i was talkin 2 goes off 2 get me chips....den dis 1 cums out frm d bck 2 mop d floor....she luks ovr at me and goes....ftr a chip kebab r ya?....and i go yea...if u can....and she goes...(my fav prt of d story) dis is gona b d biggest chip kebab u've evr had....she goes ovr and puts d chip kebab n d bag....and....shovels all d chips dat were lft n on top of d kebab.....she couldnt even close d bag....it took me half an hour 2 walk home.....(second fav prt of d story)....kept hvein 2 stop n sit dwn n let it digest".....the end....fat fat man....

Sweating like a nun in a field full of cucumbers
As mad as a box of frogs
Jaysis shes a set of milkers on her that would feed a mart
Ive a horn on me that would bait pavarotti away from a pizza
Ive a horn on me that would bait a donkey out of a quarry
Shes a face like a chewed toffee
Im so sick id nearly get into bed with me sister
That lad would drink tar from a Wellington boot
Im so hungry id ate a tinkers toenails
Im so hungry id eat a horse and chase the jockey
She has a cu*nt like a wizards sleeve
Me mickeys so hard i'd club a whale
I'm as sick as a small hospital
I'm so hungry I'd eat a small child
She had a face on her like a well slapped arse
You're as welcome as a fart in a spacesuit
My mouth's as dry as a nuns crack
He has rubber-lined pockets so he can steal soup
He thinks manual labour is a Spanish musician
As funny as a burning orphanage
He's so camp, he sh1te tent pegs
I'm as sick as a plane to Lourdes
I feel like a boiled shite (hungover when leaving)
I'm off like a debs dress
She had a face on her that would drive rats from a barn
As busy as the dalkey dole office
Sweatin' like a paedophile in a Barney suit
As tight as a nun's knickers
I'm so horny I'd get up on the crack of dawn
I'd crawl a million miles across broken glass to kiss the exhaust of
the van that took her dirty knickers to the laundry.
Up and down like a hoor's knickers
No show pony but would do for a ride around the house
Did your mother find out who your father is yet?
What would ye expect from a pig but a grunt
I left her with a face like a painters radio
A mickey the size of a double-value can of Right Guard
Jaysus, she could breastfeed a crèche
As fit as a butcher's dog
She's got more chins than a Chinese phone book
Not even the tide would take her out
Mother Teresa wouldn't kiss her
Daz wouldn't shift her
Des Kelly wouldn't lay her
A sniper wouldn't take her out
Jaysus, ya wouldn't ride her into battle
If I'd a bag of bruised willies I wouldn't give her one
She has a face on her like a bulldog that's just licked piss off a
nettle
She wouldn't get a kick in a stampede
She had a fanny like a badly packed kebab
If I'd a garden full of mickeys I wouldn't let her look over the wall
Give her a boot in the hole and a bucket of mickeys would fall out of
her.

Here is a fairly extensive compilation of some of the

extraordinary sexual activities that can be performed by men:

1. Hot Lunch - While receiving head from a woman, you proceed

to shit on her chest. (A.k.a. the Cleveland Steamer)

2. The Stranger - Sitting on your hand until it falls asleep

and then jerking off, eliciting the feeling of a hand job from someone else.

3. Western Grip- When jerking off, turn your hand around, so

that your thumb is facing towards you. It is the same grip that rodeo folks use. Hence, western.

4. The Blumpkin- You need to find a real tramp to do this

right. It involves having her sucking you off while you are on the shitter.

5. Donkey Punch - Banging a girl doggy style and then moments

before you cum, sticking your dick in her ass, and then punching her in the

back of the head. This gives a tremendous sensation, but for it to work correctly,

the girl must be knocked out so that her asshole tightens up.

6. Golden Shower - Any form of pissing all over a chick (a.k.a.- watersports)

7. Pearl Necklace - Well known. Whenever you cum on the

neck/cleavage area of a girl - it takes on the look of beautiful jewelry.

8. Coyote - This occurs when you wake up in the room of a nasty

wombat and you know you've got to give her the slip. However,

you realize that your arm is wrapped around her. Therefore you must

gnaw off your own arm to get out of the situation. Can be very painful.

9. Purple Mushroom - This occurs when a woman is giving you

oral sex and you withdraw your penis in order to poke it back into her cheek.

It should leave a lasting impression similar to purple mushroom.

10. The Flying Camel - A personal favorite. As she is lying on her back and you are hammering her from your knees, you carefully balance yourself without using your arms to prop yourself up. You then proceed to flap your arms and let out a long, shrieking howl, much like a coyote. Strictly a class move.

11. Fishhook - A variation of the shocker in which you pull

back towards the pussy after you stick your finger up her anus.

12. The Ram - Again, you're attacking from behind, when you

start ramming her head against the wall in a rhythmic motion. The

force of the wall should allow for deeper penetration. Very handy for those lulls in penile sensitivity.

13. Bismarck- This is another one involving oral sex. Right before

you are about to cum, you pull out, shooting your load all over her face. Follow that with a punch and smear the blood and cum together.

14. Jelly Dougnut: A derivation of the Bismark. All you have to

do is punch her in the nose while you are getting head.

15. The Woody Woodpecker: When a girl is sucking on your balls,

tap the head of your cock on her forehead.

16. Dog in a Bathtub - This is a proper name for when you

attempt to insert your nuts into a girl's ass. It is so named because it

can be just as hard as keeping a dog in the tub while giving it a bath.

17. Tossing Salad - Another prison act where one person is

forced to basically chow asshole with the help of whatever condiments are

available, i.e. Jell-O, olive oil, etc. I'm never going to prison.

18. Rim Job: Another name for tossing salad. Focuses on the use

of the tongue.

19. The Bucking Bronco- An all time classic. You start by going
doggy style on a girl and then just when she is really enjoying it, you grab onto her tits or hips as tightly as possible and call her a big fat no-good worthless slob. More than likely, she will try to escape. This will give you the feeling of riding a bronco as she tries to buck you off.

20. Pink glove - This frequently happens during sex when a girl is not wet enough.
When you pull out to give her money, the inside of her twat sticks to your hog. Thus, the pink glove.

21. The Fountain of You - While sitting on her face and having
her eat your a