A new priest at his first mass was so nervous he could hardly speak. After mass he asked the Canon how he had done. The Canon replied, “When I am worried about getting nervous on the pulpit, I put a glass of vodka next to the water glass. If I start to get nervous, I take a sip.”

So next Sunday he took the Canon’s advice.

At the beginning of the sermon, he got nervous and took a drink.

He proceeded to talk up a storm.

Upon his return to his office after the mass, he found the following note on the door:

1. Sip the vodka, don’t gulp.

2. There are 10 commandments, not 12.

3. There are 12 disciples, not 10.

4. Jesus was consecrated, not constipated.

5. Jacob wagered his donkey, he did not bet his ass.

6. We do not refer to Jesus Christ as the Late J.C.

7. The Father, the Son, and the Holy Ghost are not referred to as Daddy, Junior, and the Spook.

8. David slew Goliath, he did not kick the shit out of him.

9. When David was hit by a rock and was knocked off his donkey, don’t say he was stoned off his ass.

10. We do not refer to the Cross as the “Big T”.

11. When Jesus broke the bread at the Last Supper he said, “Take this and eat it, for it is my body.” He did not say “Eat me.”

12. The Virgin Mary is not called “Mary with the Cherry.”

13. The recommended grace before a meal is not: Rub-A-Dub-Dub thanks for the grub, yeah God.

14. Next Sunday there will be a taffy pulling contest at St. Peter’s, not a peter pulling contest at St. Taffy’s.

Cian followed Colm into the bedroom as he had been asked,he didnt know what to expect he had heard about this sort of thing before but never experienced it first hand.Colm had simply told Cian that he wanted to take him into his room to play a game that started with "S" at first Cian was clueless to what this was but later on he realised it must be Scrabble.Cian had never played scrabble and was quite excited at the prospect of learning how to play a new game."Now Cian to play this game your going to have to do everything i tell you" said Colm hornily."Yeah ok" said Cian unsurely."Now Cian The first rule of the game is there is no pants allowed they interfere" said Colm.Cian found this rule quite strange as he had seen fully clothed people play scrabble on television before but he did as Colm told him and removed his pants after all that was just television.Colm edged closer to Cian now.Cian began to feel a bit uncomfortable "I think i should leave Colm" As he got up to leave he found it quite unusual that Colm didnt even make an attempt to stop him.As Cian went to the door he realised it was locked.....at that very same moment he realised all they windows were also locked and barricaded."Im afraid theres no escape Cian" said Colm calmly "Now theres two ways we can do this Cian the easy way...or the hard way...." .Cian broke into a cold sweat in fear "I.....I dont understand Colm...wh....what are you going to do to me?" said Cian backing away from Colm who was drawing ever so closer."I think we both know....the question is....what arent I going to do to you...." said Colm and evil smirk now spread across his face.Cian began to feel faint he could not breath he began hyperventilating."Theres no use in getting into a panic Cian itl be a lot easier on both of us if you just give in".And at that very moment Cian realised there was no escape.After all these years of fighting Colm....he had finally won and this was Cians last stand....different thoughts began racing through his head.....in the wise words of Girls Aloud what would the neighbours say......and his beloved heather how would she react to all this...surely things would never be the same again.But there was no escape for Cian and at that very moment Colm whisked Cian up into his arms and slammed him onto the filthy matress lieing in the middle of the room.As colm tied him down Cian began to feel weary he was no longer his perky self Colm had worn him down.He began to lose conciousness.The last words Cian heard were that of colms......."sleep Cian....sleeeeeep"


Cian awaoke the next morning unsure of what colm had done to him that night all he could tell was he was cold covered in water and some sticky substance at that moment Cian realised it was over....Colm had won.....Now he was free to take over the wizarding world forever......Cian......had failed..........

1. Whats right on tuesday is normally right on thursday!

2. Is that a hand?

3. I have alot of patience but when its all used up, theres hell to pay!

4. PIT PAT (for liz )

5. There will be no trickery or skulldugery going on here!

6. You've alot of housework to do now kids!

7. Bracket on bracket
ohhh boy!!!!!!!!!

8. Im delighted for you neil! (and she really was)

9. You must eat more fish suppelments kids!!

10. The minus monster! GRRRRR

11. I take mine with two sugars!