You looking at me??
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Last night, I consumed a vast amount of alcohol in a very short period of time. I did not, however, happy slap a pensioner on the way home. Nor did I vomit on a tombstone, or even stab a priest. This is because I was raised to have some sort of moral backbone. I was given values, and taught to respect other people and their property. I was also taught that my actions resulted in consequences, for both me and those around me.
Whilst out, having a dance and a giggle, I had the urge to visit the lavatorial facilities (bear with me, I'll not go into details!). Whilst in the lavatory, a rather tall fellow dressed as Batman charged into the room, looked around at us all, and then ran into a wall, buckling the plaster. After which, he quite rightly wobbled slightly, before falling backwards to the floor.
So whilst I was probably just as drunk as this pillock, he had concussion and I had a pleasant evening. Which surely tells us that alcohol isn't to blame for the anti-social behaviour in this country. It is the lack of moral values and respect that is given to kids. Lack of discipline and failure to teach them respect has resulted in a generation of youngsters who do not recognise that their actions are impactful on those around them. They are never told that their actions or beliefs are wrong. I am not religious, but I see a correlation in the loss of faith in this country and the behaviour of its' citizens. Religious values need to be replaced with something else entirely. Be it National Service, community service - anything really which shows people at an early stage how they can be better, and why.
So let's stop blaming alcohol. It merely brings out the true behaviour of these yobs, which is indicative of their very nature. The answer lies at home with the parents, and at school with the teachers. Bring back consequences, wrong answers and discipline.

Everything is bad for you. I don't care if you only eat steamed and organically produced broccoli flouretts and purified fair trade water taken from the ice on the moon. It doesn't even matter if you only have sex if the condom is made from steel and you breathe filtered air. At some point, you are going to keel over.
Apparently, if you are keen on visiting someone called Jim 3 times a week and come home all sweaty, this is good for you. I, however, much prefer to open a bottle of red wine and feast on lumps of lard and so many cigarettes my lungs are made purely from tar. Am I going to die younger? Maybe. Or, you could be run over by someone wearing Le Coq Sportif undergarments and driving what appears to be the contents of the local Halfords.
Of course, I am being facetious. I'm sure we could all live a fairly healthy lifestyle, without going over the top either way. If you are too fat; eat less. If you are too thin; eat more. Walk up a hill once in a while and you will be just fine. (One point, and I'm sorry, but if you are fat - not a single person wants to see you in anything that reveals your belly button!)
I give myself a choice of two breakfasts in the morning at work, depending on how hungry I am and how greasy I want it to be. One option is a slice of fried bread, a potato waffle, beans, a rasher of bacon and a sausage. This option has me salivating in anticipation of the impending heart attack. Option two is two pieces of brown (albeit buttered) toast, and two poached eggs. Once eaten, I can appreciate the fact that it is healthier and just as tasty as option one. The difference is the build up. You don't get excited about eggs unless they are dripping with oil and possible salmonella.
Now I am aware that as time passes, my metabolism will wither away and that examples of the above diet will cause me to balloon until doors have to be widened and arteries cleansed. But until I feel that threat looming, I shall continue to lead a normal life, untroubled by the causes of cancer, "superfoods" (for god's sake), and Kellog's Optivita. I refuse to listen to the calorie content of a burger, or the recommended daily allowance of carbohydrates. I see no use in knowing how many units of alcohol are in a glass of wine and will not heed the advice of Southern Comfort to "drink responsibly". I will drink however much I please and can afford, whenever I feel it necessary to do so. I will use my mobile phone excessively, put sugar in my caffeinated coffee and drink full fat milk. I will watch violent films and play my music loudly and live near pylons. I will drink tap water and eat microwave meals and double cream on my strawberries, whilst not worrying about the wireless broadband waves, radio waves, digital tv waves, terrestrial tv waves, mobile phone waves and everything else coursing through our brains every second. I will work too much and sleep too little. ..................................
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and I'll sleep when I'm dead

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Seven wise men with knowledge so fine,
created a pussy to their design.


1.-First was a butcher, with smart wit,
using a knife, he gave it a slit,

2.-Second was a carpenter, strong and bold,
with a hammer and chisel, he gave it a hole,

3.-Third was a tailor, tall and thin,
by using red velvet, he lined it within,

4.-Fourth was a hunter, short and stout,
with a piece of fox fur, he lined it without,

5.-Fifth was a fisherman, nasty as hell,
threw in a fish and gave it a smell,

6.-Sixth was a preacher, whose name was McGee,
touched it and blessed it, and said it could pee,

Last was a sailor, dirty little runt,
who sucked it and f*** it, and called it a ****.

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