Billy Connolly's 13 things I hate bout people:

1. People who point at their wrist while asking for the time....I know
where my watch is pal, where the fuck is yours? Do I point at my crotch
when I ask where the toilet is?

2. People who are willing to get off their arse to search the entire
room for the TV remote because they refuse to walk to the TV and change
the channel manually.

3. When people say "Oh you just want to have your cake and eat it too".
Fucking right! What good is a cake if you can't eat it?

4. When people say "it's always the last place you look". Of course it
is. Why the fuck would you keep looking after you've found it? Do people
do this? Who and where are they?

5. When people say while watching a film "did you see that?". No
tosser, I paid 10 quid to come to the cinema and stare at the fucking
floor.

6. People who ask "Can I ask you a question?. Didn't really give me a
choice there, did you sunshine?

7. When something is 'new and improved!'. Which is it? If it's new,
then there has never been anything before it. If it's an improvement,
then there must have been something before it.

8. When people say "life is short". What the fuck?? Life is the longest
damn thing anyone ever fucking does!! What can you do that's longer?

9. When you are waiting for the bus and someone asks, "Has the bus come
yet?. If the bus came would I be standing here, Knob head?

10. People who say things like 'My eyes aren't what they used to be'. So
what did they used to be? ears, Wellington boots?

11. When you're eating something and someone asks 'Is that nice?' No
it's really revolting - I always eat stuff I hate.

12. People who announce they are going to the toilet. Thanks that's an
image I really didn't need.

13. McDonalds staff who pretend they don't understand you if you don't
insert the 'Mc' before the item you are ordering..... It has to be a
McChicken Burger, just a Chicken Burger gets blank looks. Well I'll have
a McStraw and jam it in your McEyes you fucking McTosser

>> Pure dead brullyant! You know you are a true Scot if...........
>> 1. Ye can properly pronounce McConnochie, Ecclefechan, Milngavie,
>> Sauchiehall St, St Enoch, Auchtermuchty and Aufurfuksake.
>> 2. Ye actually like deep fried battered pizza fae the chippie.
>> 3. Yer used tae four seasons in wan day.
>> 4. Ye canna pass a chip/kebab shop withoot sleverin when yer blootert.
>> 5. Ye kin fall about pished withoot spilling yer drink.
>> 6. Ye see people wearin shell suits with burberry accessories - pure
>> class!
>> 7. Ye measure distance in minutes.
>> 8. Ye kin understaun Rab C Nesbitt and know characters just like him,
>> in yer ain family.
>> 9. Ye go tae Saltcoats cos ye think it is like gaun tae the ocean.
>> 10. Ye kin make hael sentences jist wae sweer wurds.
>> 11. Ye know whit haggis is made ae and stull like eating it.
>> 12. Somedy ye know his used a fitba schedule tae plan thur wedding day
>> date.
>> 13. You've been at a wedding and fitba scores are announced in the
>> Church/Chapel.
>> 4. Ye urny surprised tae find curries, pizzas, kebabs, fish n chips,
>> iron-bru, fags and nappies all in the wan shop.
>> 15. Yer holiday home at the seaside has calor gas under it.
>> 16. Ye know irn-bru is a hangover cure.
>> 17. Ye learnt tae sweer afore ye learnt tae dae sums.
>> 18. Ye actually understand this and yurr gonnae send it tae yer pals .
>> 19. Finally, you are 100% Scot if you have ever said/heard these
>> words;
>> how's it hingin
>> clatty
>> boggin
>> cludgie
>> pished
>> get it up ye
>> wee beasties
>> erse bandit
>> amurny
>> away an bile yer heid
>> peely-wally
>> humphey backit
>> Ba'-heid
>> baw bag
>> dubble nugget
>> And finally......
>> A wee Glesga wumman goes intae a butchershop, where the butcher has
>> just came oot the freezer, and is standing haunds ahint his back, with
>> his erse aimed at an electric fire. The wee wumman checks oot the
>> display case then asks, "Is that yer Ayrshire bacon?" "Naw," replies
>> the butcher. "It's jist ma haun's ah'm heatin'

ρσѕιтινє тяαιтѕ----тяυтнƒυℓ - тαℓєηтє∂ - σяιgιηαℓ - ιηνєηтινє - ƒяєє∂σм ℓσνιηg - ∂υтιƒυℓ.

ηєgαтινє тяαιтѕ----qυιχσтι¢ - αℓσσƒ - σριηισηαтє∂ - ρяσυ∂.

яєℓαтισηѕнιρѕ----нανє gяєαт ∂郃ι¢υℓту ιη ѕυѕтαιηιηg яєℓαтισηѕнιρѕ ωнєη уσυηg, ∂υє тσ тнєιя υη¢σηνєηтισηαℓ ι∂єαѕ σƒ нσω α яєℓαтισηѕнιρ ѕнσυℓ∂ ωσяк! ιη ℓαтєя ℓιƒє, αη∂ ωнєη тнєу ѕєттℓє ∂σωη, тнєу вє¢σмє ℓσуαℓ αη∂ ¢σммιттє∂ тσ тнєιя ραятηєяѕ. тнєу ƒιη∂ ραяєηтιηg ∂郃ι¢υℓт ιƒ тнєιя ¢нιℓ∂яєη αяє ησт єιтнєя αqυαяιαη σя gємιηι, αѕ тнєу ∂σ ησт υη∂єяѕтαη∂ α ¢нιℓ∂ ωнσ ιѕ мσяє ¢σηνєηтισηαℓ тнαη тнєу αяє!

¢αяєєя.---αqυαяιαηѕ αяє ∂яαωη тσ нυмαηιтαяιαη ρяσƒєѕѕισηѕ ѕυ¢н αѕ ωσякιηg ƒσя тнє тнιя∂ ωσяℓ∂, яυηηιηg ¢нαяιту ¢ση¢єяη'ѕ αη∂ αℓℓ туρє σƒ ѕσ¢ιαℓ ωσяк. тнєу αяє ηαтυяαℓ ¢σммυηι¢αтσяѕ αη∂ gσσ∂ ωιтн уσυηg α∂υℓтѕ αη∂ тєєηαgєяѕ, тнєу ѕσмєтιмєѕ ƒιη∂ ∂єαℓιηg ωιтн уσυηg ¢нιℓ∂яєη ∂郃ι¢υℓт. тнєу αяє σƒтєη тσ вє ƒσυη∂ яυηηιηg ∂яαмα ωσякѕнσρѕ, αη∂ αт тнιѕ тнєу єχ¢єℓ!

ℓєιѕυяє.---∂αη¢ιηg ιѕ мσѕт вєηєƒι¢ιαℓ ƒσя тнєѕє ρєσρℓє, єѕρє¢ιαℓℓу ƒяєє ƒσям, тнєу мυѕт нσωєνєя тαкє gяєαт ¢αяє σƒ тнєιя αηкℓєѕ, ωнι¢н ιѕ α ωєєк ѕρσт ιη тнιѕ ѕιgη. ℓιкє αℓℓ αιя ѕιgη'ѕ тнєу вєηєƒιт ƒяσм ѕσмє єχєя¢ιѕє συт- ∂σσяѕ. тнєу мαу ƒιη∂ тнємѕєℓνєѕ αѕ тнє υησƒƒι¢ιαℓ ℓєα∂єя σƒ αηу gяσυρ α¢тινιту тнαт тнєу נσιη.

¢σℓσυя - νινι∂ вℓυє. αηιмαℓ тσтєм - gσσѕє. ƒσσ∂ - ѕυѕнι. ƒℓσωєя - σя¢нι∂. gємѕтσηє - αqυαмαяιηє. ιмαgє - υηιqυє.

ƒσσ∂---ℓιgнт, вυт ∂єℓι¢ισυѕ ƒσσ∂ ѕυιтѕ тнєм вєѕт. тнєу мσѕтℓу нανє α тαѕтє ƒσя σяιєηтαℓ ƒαяє, тнєу ѕнσυℓ∂ вє ѕυяє тσ нανє ℓσтѕ σƒ σяαηgє ¢σℓσυяє∂ νєgєтαвℓєѕ αη∂ ƒяυιт тσ gяσυη∂ тнєм.