Grandpa: My Homer is not a communist. He may be a liar, a pig, an idiot, a communist, but he is not a porn star.

Homer: Marge? Since I'm not talking to Lisa, would you please ask her to pass me the syrup?
Marge: Dear, please pass your father the syrup, Lisa.
Lisa: Bart, tell Dad I will only pass the syrup if it won't be used on any meat product.
Bart: You dunkin' your sausages in that syrup homeboy?
Homer: Marge, tell Bart I just want to drink a nice glass of syrup like I do every morning.
Marge: Tell him yourself, you're ignoring Lisa, not Bart.
Homer: Bart, thank your mother for pointing that out.
Marge: Homer, you're not not-talking to me and secondly I heard what you said.
Homer: Lisa, tell your mother to get off my case.
Bart: Uhhh, dad, Lisa's the one you're not talking to.
Homer: Bart, go to your room.

Scully: Homer, we're going to ask you a few simple yes or no questions. Do you understand?
Homer: Yes. (lie dectector blows up)

Lionel Hutz: Well, he's kind of had it in for me ever since I accidentally ran over his dog. Actually, replace "accidentally" with "repeatedly," and replace "dog" with "son."

Homer: [drunk] Look, the thing about my family is there's five of us. Marge, Bart, Girl Bart, the one who doesn't talk, and the fat guy. How I loathe him.

Marge: This is the worst thing you've ever done.
Homer: You say that so often that it lost its meaning.

Marge: Homer, the plant called. They said if you don't show up tomorrow don't bother showing up on Monday.

Homer: Woo-hoo. Four-day weekend.
Homer: Aw, twenty dollars! I wanted a peanut!
Homer's Brain: Twenty dollars can buy many peanuts!
Homer: Explain how!
Homer's Brain: Money can be exchanged for goods and services!
Homer: Woo-hoo!

Homer: Are you saying you're never going to eat any animal again? What about bacon?
Lisa: No.
Homer: Ham?
Lisa: No.
Homer: Pork chops?
Lisa: Dad, those all come from the same animal.
Homer: Heh heh heh. Ooh, yeah, right, Lisa. A wonderful, magical animal.

Homer: Lisa, would you like a donut?
Lisa: No thanks. Do you have any fruit?
Homer: This has purple in it. Purple is a fruit.

Marge: Homer, is this how you pictured married life?
Homer: Yeah, pretty much, except we drove around in a van solving mysteries.

Homer: There's your giraffe, little girl.
Ralph Wiggum: I'm a boy.
Homer: That's the spirit. Never give up.

Homer: Weaseling out of things is important to learn. It's what separates us from the animals ... except the weasel.

Bart Simpson (spelling "Impervious" in a spelling B): I...M...P
Nelson: Bart is pee!
Ralph Wiggum: I made Bart in my pants!

1) Moe: "I'll use your head as a bucket and paint my house with your brains"

2) Barneys Japanese Girlfriend: "I would like a single plum, floating in perfume, served in a mans hat"

3) Homer: "And how is education supposed to make me feel smarter? Besides, every time I learn something new, it pushes some old stuff out of my brain. Remember when I took that home winemaking course, and I forgot how to drive?"

4) Homer: "To alcohol! The cause of- and solution to- all of life's problems"

5) Homer: "Don't let Krusty's death get you down, boy. People die all the time, just like that. Why, you could wake up dead tomorrow! Well, good night.

6) Homer: "Kids, kids. As far as Daddy's concerned, you're both potential murderers."

7) Homer: "Oh, people can come up with statistics to prove anything. 14% of people know that."

Homer: "Getting out of jury duty is easy. The trick is to say you're prejudiced against all races."

9) Homer: "Kids, you tried your best, and you failed miserably. The lesson is, never try"

10) Homer: "All right, let's not panic. I'll make the money by selling one of my livers. I can get by with one"

11) Ralph Wiggum: "when the doctor said I didn't have worms any more, that was the happiest day of my life."

12) Homer: "Son, when you partici

30 things 2 do in a lift! lol!!
1.When there's only one other person in the elevator, tap them on the shoulder and then pretend it wasn't you.

2.Push the buttons and pretend they give you a shock. Smile, and go back for more.

3.Ask if you can push the button for other people, but push the wrong ones.

4.Call the Psychic Hotline from your cell phone and ask if they know what floor you're on.

5.Hold the doors open and say you're waiting for your friend. After a while, let the doors close and say, "Hi Greg. How's your day been?"

6.Drop a pen and wait until someone reaches to help pick it up, then scream,"that's mine!"

7.Bring a camera and take pictures of everyone in the elevator

8.Move your desk in to the elevator and whenever someone gets on, ask
if they have an appointment.

9.Lay down a Twister mat and ask people if they'd like to play.

10.Leave a box in the corner, and when someone gets on, ask them if they hear something ticking.

11.Pretend you are a flight attendant and review emergency procedures and exits
with the passengers.

12.Ask, "Did you feel that?"

13.Stand really close to someone, sniffing them occasionally.

14.When the doors close, announce to the others, "It's okay. Don't panic, they open up again."

15.Swat at flies that don't exist.

16.Tell people that you can see their aura

17.Call out, "group hug!", then enforce it.

18.Grimace painfully while smacking your forehead and muttering, "Shut up, all of you, just shut up!"

19.Crack open your briefcase or purse, and while peering inside, ask,
"Got enough air in there?"

20.Stand silently and motionless in the corner, facing the wall, without getting off.

21.Stare at another passenger for a while, then announce in horror, "You're one of THEM!" and back away slowly.

22.Wear a puppet on your hand and use it to talk to the other passengers.

23.Listen to the elevator walls with your stethoscope.

24.Make explosion noises when anyone presses a button.

25.Stare, grinning at another passenger for a while, and then announce,
"I have new socks on."

26Draw a little square on the floor with chalk and announce to the other passengers, "This is my personal space!"

27.Fart loudly then exclaim "Not I said the wolf"

28.Jump up and down then look at the floor and shout " let go you bastard "

29.Before the elevator door opens shout "DING" and then laugh and say "beat you again Mr Elevator."

30.Hire a labrador, wear sunglasses and repeatedly walk into the walls
whilst pretending to not hear the other passenger's direction

´´´´´´´´´´´´´´¶´¶¶´¶¶
´´´´´´´´´¶¶¶¶´´´´´´¶¶¶¶¶¶
´´´´´´´¶¶´´´´´´´´´´´´´´´´¶¶
´´´´´¶¶´´´´´´´´¶¶´´´´´´´´´´¶¶
´´´¶¶´´´´´´´´´´´´´´´´´´´´´´´´¶¶
´´¶¶´´´´´´´´´´´´´´´´´´´´´´´´´´¶¶
´´¶´´´´´´´´´´´´´´´´´´´´´´´´´´´¶´ ¶
´¶´´´´´´´´´´´´´´´´¶´´´´´´´´´´´´´ ¶
´¶´´´´´´´´´´´´´¶¶¶¶´´´´´´´´´´´´´ ´¶
´¶´´´´´´´´´´´´¶¶´¶´´´´´´´´´´´¶´´ ´¶
´¶´´´´´´´´´´¶¶¶¶¶¶´´´´´´´¶¶¶¶´´´ ´¶
´¶´´´´´´´´´¶¶¶¶¶¶¶´´´´´´¶¶´´¶´´´ ´¶
´´¶´´´´´´´´¶¶¶¶¶´¶´´´´´¶¶¶¶¶¶´´´ ¶
´´¶¶´´´´´´´¶´´´´´¶´´´´¶¶¶¶¶¶´´´¶ ¶
´´´¶¶´´´´´´¶´´´´¶´´´´¶¶¶¶´´´´´¶
´´´´¶´´´´´´¶´´´¶´´´´´¶´´´´´´´¶
´´´´¶´´´´´´¶¶¶¶´´´´´´´´´¶´´¶¶
´´´´¶¶´´´´´´´´´´´´´´´¶¶¶´´¶
´´´´´¶¶¶´´´´´´´¶¶¶¶¶´´´´´´¶
´´´´´´´´¶¶¶´´´´´¶¶´´´´´´´¶¶
´´´´´´´´´´´´¶¶´´´´´¶¶¶¶¶¶´
´´´´´´´´´´¶¶´´´´´´¶¶´¶
´´´´´´´¶¶¶¶´´´´´´´´¶´¶¶
´´´´´´´´´¶´´¶¶´´´´´¶´´´¶
´´´´¶¶¶¶¶¶´¶´´´´´´´¶´´¶´
´´¶¶´´´¶¶¶¶´¶´´´´´´¶´´´¶¶¶¶¶¶¶
´´¶¶´´´´´´¶¶¶¶´´´´´¶´¶¶´´´´´¶¶
´´¶´´´´´´´´´´¶¶¶¶¶¶¶¶´´´´´´´´´¶
´´´¶¶´´´´´´´´´¶´´´¶´´´´´´´´´´¶
´´´´¶¶¶¶¶¶¶¶¶¶¶´´´¶¶¶¶¶¶¶¶¶¶¶