chuck norris' real name is melvyn-eugene punymeier.

chuck norris enjoys a good romantic comedy.

chuck norris LOST the sperm race.

chuck norris believes in santa.

chuck norris has been beaten in 10 consecutive world championship finals by Bill "superfoot" Wallace.

chuck norris glues his pubes onto his face to create the impression of a manly beard.

chuck norris has no pubes.

chuck norris once lost a fight to a kid in a wheel-chair. with no arms.

chuck norris makes jokes about armless kids in wheel-chairs.

chuck norris does push-ups on his knees.

chuck norris is a FIFA man.

chuck norris is hung like a field mouse. Luckily no bird has ever had occasion to find out.

chuck norris didn't get arts.

chuck norris started AIDS. as a laugh.

state of chuck norris.

chuck norris doesn't know what the offside rule is.

chuck norris knows that the names of the "sex and the city" characters are Carrie, Charlotte, Miranda and Samantha.

If you freeze-frame footage of Ireland's loss to spain in the world cup, you will find that it was actually chuck norris in a clever disguise who missed the crucial penalty. on purpose.

chuck norris lures little boys into his gingerbread house.

chuck norris cries over spilled milk.

chuck norris spells it "meh".

walker texas ranger was shit.

chuck norris didn't score in baby wesley.

If you re-arrange the letters in "chuck norris" , it spells "I have a small penis".

Axe kicks are better than roundhouse kicks.

chuck norris got rejected by his right hand.

chuck norris puts all his eggs in one basket.

chuck norris was once given cheese on his burger when he didn't want it. He didnt say anything.

chuck norris went to sandford park. and didnt make the seniors.

chuck norris is reported to have been seen entering a brothel with a fistful of 50s and leaving shortly afterwards, without having scored.

you have a bigger penis than chuck norris.

chuck norris goes to the cinema with his mum.

chuck norris has allergies.

chuck norris uses an inhaler.

chuck norris lacks confidence.

chuck norris WAS actually beaten up by a pirate, with a wooden leg.

chuck norris thinks that ginge from girls aloud is the hottest.

chuck norris is that ginge from girls aloud, in disguise.

you fucked chuck norris' ma.

chuck norris has the musical "cats" on tape.

chuck norris lost an argument to a deaf guy.

chuck norris made THIS list

1. when she asks how she looks shrug and say "could be better" this will keep her on her toes. and girls love that.

2. never hold her hand. this can be interpreted as a sign of weakness. (or if she grabs your hand squeeze hers really really hard until she cries. this will impress her by showing her what a strong man you are.)

3. once a month sneak up on her from behind and knock her over. girls are like dogs. they love to be roughed up.

4. call her in the middle of the night to ask if she's sleeping. if she is say you better be , repeat this 4 or 5 times until morning. this will show her you care.

5. when she is upset about something, suggest to her that it might be her fault. this will pave the way for her own personal improvement. and every girl needs some improvement.

6. recognize the small things . . . they usually mean the most. then when she's sleeping, steal all her small things and break them. because jewelry is for pussies and asian ladies.

7. if youre talking to another girl, make sure shes looking. When she is, stare into her eyes mouth the words @#%$ you and grab the other girls a$s. Girls love competition.

8. tell her you're taking her out to dinner. drive for miles so she thinks it's going to be really special. then take her to a burning tire yard. when she starts to get upset tell her you were just kidding and now you're really going to take her to dinner. then drive her home. when she starts crying and asks why you would do something like that lean over and whisper very quietly into her ear "...because i can."

9. introduce her to your friends as "some chick". women love those special nicknames.

10. play with her hair. play with it HARD.

11. warm her up when shes cold...and not by giving her your jacket... then you might get cold. rather, look her in the eye and say "if you don't stop bitching about the cold right now you're going to be bitching about a black eye." the best way to get warm is with fear.

12. Take her to a party. When you get there shell have to go to the bathroom (they always do). Leave immediately. Come back right when the partys dying and yell at her the whole way home for ditching you at the party.

13. make her laugh. a good way to do this is if she has a small pet. kick the pet. i always find stuff like that funny. why shouldn't girls?

14. let her fall asleep in your arms. when she's fast asleep, wait 10 minutes then JUMP UP AND SCREAM IN HER EAR! repeat until she goes home and you can use your arms for more important things. like basketball.

15. Spit often. I hear girls like guys that spit.

16. if you care about her never ever tell her. this will only give her self confidence. then you can never turn her into the object she deep down desires to be.

17. Every time youre in her house steal one of the following: shoes, earrings, or anything else that comes in pairs. Only take one of the pair. This way shell go crazy.

18. Take her out to dinner. Right when shes about to order interrupt and say no shes not hungry. make her watch you eat. Girls love a guy that speaks for her.

19. look her in the eyes and smile. then clock her one. girls love a spontaneous guy.

20. give her one of your t-shirts......and make sure it has your smell on it. but not a sexy cologne smell. a bad smell. you know what i'm talking about.

21. When its raining keep asking her if shes crying. Shell say no its just the rain ten minutes later turn to her and just scream at her to stop crying you @#%$ baby. Girls like a tough man as i've already stated.

22. Titty twisters and plenty of them.

23. if youre listening to music, and she asks to hear it, tell her no. this way she'll think you're mysterious.

24. remember her birthday but don't get her something. Teach her material objects arent important. The only thing thats important is that she keeps you happy. And your happiness is the greatest present she can ever get.

25. when she gives you a present on your b

1.Please remember to order one drink at a time as we like to run backwards
and forwards, it keeps us fit.

2.When ordering a round please make sure that you don't know what you want
when you arrive at the bar. We like to stand and wait while you nip back &
forth or shout across the room to find out, (although we do find that other
customers who have been waiting for 1/2 an hour tend to start moaning, but
hey, that's not your problem!)

3.Once you have received two drinks please take them back to your table and
stay for a quick chat before coming back to pay. We'll still be waiting,
we're not going anywhere and we appreciate the rest.

4.Always order stout last. We really want you to stand at the bar with all
your other drinks while it settles, and are particularly pleased when we forget about it and have to be reminded to top it up.

5.Never put money in our hands. We like to pick it up off the bar, especially
if it's all in change in a puddle of beer.

6.Never say please or thank you - the shock could bring on a heart attack.

7.Always wait until we have rung your round into the till before asking for
crisps, nuts, snacks etc.

8.When requiring Ready Salted crisps please ensure that you ask for the full
range of flavors available before asking for 'plain' - it helps us learn
the stock.

9.If you have been waiting at the bar for at least two minutes please heckle
us and tell us you have been there for 1/2 an hour - it keeps us on our
toes as we have no concept of time.

10.Can we remind you that the bell is there just to make sure you are awake -
we don't want you to come to the bar for last orders until two minutes past
eleven when we have turned the lights off.

11.If not 'of the faith' when spotting the water jug on the bar please shout '
what's that, holy water?' - although we have heard it a million times
before we never cease to find it hilarious.