One day (pre gulf war 2) saddam hussaien is sitting at home when his phone rings. He picks it up and a voice with a heavy accent says, is that saddam, he says yes. The man said, my name is paddy, im from cavan in ireland and im calling you up to declare war. Saddam says well thats very serious, how big an army do you have. Well theres me, my cousin sean and the dominos team from the pub so thats eight all together. OK said saddam, do you know i have an army of over 1 million at my command.

I'll call ya back says paddy.

The next day paddys calls up and says, yep the war is still on we got some equipment. What equipment did you get asked saddam, paddy said, we got two combine harvesters and three tractors, saddam says, dont you know i have 14,000 tanks and 20,000 personelle carriers. By the way my army as increased to one and a half million since we last spoke. Hold on says Paddy i'll ring you back.

The next day he calls back again and says, yeah just lettin ya know the war is still on. My cousin Seamas has a glider plane we managed to put a few guns in it and the war is on. Sadam says dont you know i have 3,000 state of the art fighter planes and each of my cities is guarded by laser guided surface to air missiles. My army has increased to 2 million since we last spoke. Hold on says Paddy i'll call you back.

The next day paddy calls back and says, yep bad news the war is off. Really says saddam thats too bad, how come? Paddy says.....well i had a word with the lads and there is no way we can feed 2 million prisoners.

* A date with Mrs. Palmer and her 5 slut daughters
* Auditioning the hand puppet
* Badgering the witness
* Banging one out
* Bashing the Bishop
* Beating the * out of your best friend
* Beating the s*** out of your incapacitated midget
* Beating the snot outta Rotney
* Beating the snotty end of my * stick
* Blueball baseball
* Burping the worm
* Calling down for more Mayo
* Calling in the National Guard to assist you in a strategic crisis
* Caping the crusader
* Cheating on your other hand
* Checking the plumbing
* Choking the bald guy 'til he pukes
* Choking the sheriff and waiting for the posse to come
* Cleaning my Gun
* Cleaning the pipes
* Cleaning the walls after an accident involving the Milk Man and the Cyclops
* Committing mass spermicide
* Decongesting the weasel
* Discharging the heat-seeking moisture missile
* Doing ones washing by hand
* Dripping white-hot coconuts from the veiny palm tree of lust
* Dropping the kids off at the pool
* Escorting the one-eyed postal worker out of his denim cell
* Evicting the testicular squatters
* Firing the presidential staff
* Fishing for zipper trout
* Five-finger discount
* Flogging your dumber brother
* Foreplay with Fistina
* Four-knuckle shuffle (for those who lost a finger in 'Nam)
* Freeing the hostages
* Freeing Willy
* Getting your palm red
* Givin' the one-eyed field mouse with the purple turtle-neck sweater a hot-butter nuggie
* Giving the pink Mustang a spit shine
* Giving the seamen shore leave
* Giving yourself a helping hand
* Giving yourself a low five
* Grooming the wookie
* Having a play date with your little friend
* Having a puppet show in your pants
* Having a staff meeting
* Hitchhiking under the Big Top
* Knocking one out
* Launching the morning missile
* Letting out the bulimic one-eyed monster
* Making special sauce with frank and beans
* Making the bald guy cry
* Making the Cyclops do chin-ups 'til he throws up
* Making the llama spit
* Manhandling your man-handle
* Milking the blue veined yogurt chucker
* Milking the bull
* Milking the one-eyed Vomiting Wound Ferret
* Million sperm march
* My sex life! (Okay, that one's more sad than funny)
* One-handed workout
* Opening up a bottle of Squirt
* Performing diagnostics on your ManTool
* Playing pocket polo with Agent Johnson
* Playing the stand-up organ
* Playing with Yoosef
* Polishing my rocket
* Polishing the family jewels
* Polishing the hot rod
* Polishing the purple people pleaser
* Practicing for the Big Game
* Pulling the single serving soup dispenser
* Rapid one arm pull-ups
* Releasing the Olympic Doves
* Riding the Great White Knuckler
* Romancing the bone
* Roughing the passer
* Roughing up the suspect
* Rubbing the Buddha for good luck
* Running in single-user mode
* Running off a batch by hand
* Sanding the obelisk
* Sending yourself a hand-job-o-gram
* Shaking hands with your wife's best friend
* Shaking the coconut milk of love from the leafless palm trunk
* Shaking the hand of the self-employed
* Shooting tadpoles at the moon
* Shooting the pump action porridge gun
* Slapping the big-nosed Rasta man
* Spackling the ceiling
* Spending some quality time with yourself
* Spilling my children on my belly
* Spit-polishing the purple helmet
* Squeezing the cream from the flesh Twinkie
* Stroking the one-eyed burping gecko
* Swinging the purple-veined kidney stabber
* Taking little Elvis to Graceland
* Taking the Jocelyn Elders Midterm
* Taking your turn at the self-serve pump
* Target practice with t

1. No wasted beer in the name of humor.

2. It has been made official that under no circumstances should the male have to pay for birth control

3. If your best friend is dumped by a girl it is a 6 month waiting period till she can be touched. If he breaks up with her its a 6 day waiting period.

4. If two or more males arrived at a party by a single car, and the driving male is hooking up with a girl, it is the responsibility of the other males to find other ways home.
(The exception to this law is if the driver is hooking up with his own girlfriend, the law is then void and the driver still holds full resposibility of driving his frinds home)

5. Short shorts have been banned.. unless in a participating in a sporting event that demands shorter shorts. Also no real man should be allowed to pop his collar.

6. Every man shall allow one empty urinal of separation in a bathroom with three or more urinals, law is void if there are dividers in between each urinal.

7. If a girl and a guy are not officialy dating then it can't be considered cheating. However...if the guy cheats with a girl that is less attractive to the one he is originally interested in then he is either... A) Drunk or B) Dumbass. This then gives the original girl the right to either get mad or laugh at you.

8. No one should ever steal a man's alcohol from that man's cooler...this is the only law that suffers the penalty of death.

9. When bringing condoms to a party it is a man's responsibility to pack two in his pockets and one in his car as a spare incase a friend is in desperate need.

10. No heavy fornication in a friend's bed. Or just wash the sheets.

11. No man shall every use a rolling backpack. If you can't carry the bag then your not a man.

12. If another man's fly is down, you didn't see anything and may not make a comment about it.


13. When a man is borrowing a buddies tool or other equipment, if the borrowie puts any scratches or brings it back with any noticable wear, then he is required to do one of the following: If the item costs under €50 , you are required to replace it. If the item costs over €50 , you are required to give him a case of beer, because hey...who wants to spend more than €50 on something that isn't yours.

14. When your friend picks up a hot girl...however the hot girl has an ugly friend...it is only right that you operate as a wing man doing whatever it is you gotta do to help your buddy have some time alone with the hot girl. As men we are obligated to sacrifice and pay it forward for each other knowing that the favor will one day be repayed.

15. When calling shotgun, all riders of the car must be outside, and shotgun can only be called when the car is in view. Riders in the car are not allowed to run to shotgun and steal it before the person who called and deserves it arrives there. The driver of the car has no authority to decide on who gets shotgun. If a legitimate confrontation comes up where the rightful owner of the shotgun can not be determined then it will be decided by one round of paper rock scissors (with no shoot). If the two contenders tie 5 times in a row then the rightful owner of the shotgun is to be decided by a UFC cage match in which the first blood drawn decides the rightful owner of shotgun.

Addendum to Man Law No. 15:
If at any point during the process of determining the shotgun rider a hot girl hints that she would like to sit up front the driver has the sole right to declare her the shotgun rider and depending upon the situation may even deny rides to all other passengers. However, if said hot girl is an ex of any passenger they may overrule the driver's decision and make her ride in the back. Additionally, if all passengers happen to be female then revert back to original method of deciding shotgun rider substituting mud wrestling for UFC cage match. The winner then gets either a cold water hose down or shotgun the next ride unless the car is really ****ty a