Hello, and welcome to the mental health hotline......"

If you are obsessive-compulsive, press 1 repeatedly.

If you are codependent, please ask someone to press 2 for you.

If you have multiple personalities, press 3, 4, 5, and 6.

If you are paranoid, we know who you are and what you want. Stay on the line so we can trace your call.

If you are delusional, press 7 and your call will be transferred to the mother ship.

If you are schizophrenic, listen carefully and a small voice will tell you which number to press.

If you are a manic-depressive, it doesn't matter which number you press, no one will answer.

If you are dyslexic, press 9696969696969696.

If you have a nervous disorder, please fidget with the pound key until a representative comes on the line.

If you have amnesia, press 8 and state your name, address, telephone number, date of birth, social security number, and your mother's maiden name

If you have post-traumatic stress disorder, s-l-o-w-l-y & c-a-r-e-f-u-l-l-y press 0 0 0.

If you have bipolar disorder, please leave a message after the beep or before the beep or after the beep. Please wait for the beep.

If you have short-term memory loss, press 9. If you have short-term memory loss, press 9. If you have short-term memory loss, press 9. If you have short-term memory loss, press 9.

If you have low self-esteem, please hang up. All operators are too busy to talk to you."

If you are menopausal, hang up, turn on the fan, lay down & cry. You won't be crazy forever.

If you are blonde don't press any buttons, you'll just mess it up.

People Should Be Able To Be Themselves, Without Being Labelled!
You're Never Too Old To Be Immature!
Life's A Bi†ch Then You Die!
Life's What You Make It!
Stand Up For What You Believe In, Even If You're Standing Alone!
To The World You Are Only One Person, But To One Person You Could Mean The World!
You Can't Kill What You Didn't Create!
Everything Happens For A Reason!
Real People Don't Need Labels!
Life's Like Photography, You Use The Negatives To Develop!
Success Is A Journey, Not A Destination!
You Were Born An Original, Don't Die A Copy!
If You Can Imagine It, You Can Acheive It, If You Can Dream It, You Can Become It!
The Difficulties Are There To Make Us Better, Not Bitter!
Don't Take Life Too Seriously, You'll Never Get Out Alive!