In the early hours of Monday Morning a major earthquake hit Dundee, measuring 5.8 on the Richter Scale.

Epicentre: Whitfield

Victims were seen wandering around aimlessly muttering, ‘Whit the f***?!’, and ‘Whuard that cum fae?!’. The earthquake totally decimated the surrounding area with damage said to be in the region of £30. Several priceless mementoes from the baldovie skip were damaged beyond all repair.

Three areas of historical burnt out cars were disturbed. Many o the locals were woken well before their giro arrived. Grampian news reported that hundreds of residents were confused and bewildered and are still trying to come to terms with the fact that something interesting had happened in the area.

One resident, Tracy Sharon Smith, a 17 year old mother of five fae Ormiston Crescent said, ‘It was such a shock, my little Chardonnay Levi-Mercedes came running through to my bedroom crying. My youngest two, Tyler-Morgan and Megan-Chantelle slept through it all, as well as ma great granny Lorraine. I was still shaking when I was watching Kilroy the next morning.’

Police were quick to assure residents that looting, mugging and car theft will all carry on as normal. The British Red Cross has so far managed to fly in almost 4000 crates of Sunny Delight to help the stricken residents. Rescue workers have already begun to sift through the rubble and have found large quantities of personal belongings, benefit books, jewellery from Elizabeth Duke at Argos, loads and loads of Provie Cheques and bone china from Poundstretcher.

How can you help?

This appeal is to raise money for food and clothing, for those unfortunate enough to be caught up in this disaster. Clothing is most sought after, the most needed include Fila and Burberry baseball caps, Kappa Tracksuit tops (His and Hers), Shell suits (female), white sport socks and any items usually sold in Primark. Food parcels may be harder to come by, but they will be needed all the same. Required foodstuffs include microwave meals, tins of baked beans, ice cream and cans of Colt 45 or Special Brew.

22p buys chips, crisps and blue fizzy drinks for a family of 9; £5 will pay for a packet of B&H and a lighter to help calm the nerves of those affected.

Please do not send tents for shelter! As the sight of posh housing is unfair on the population and will only cause envy in the Douglas, Fintry and St Marys area.

A little rabbit is running happily through the forest when he stumbles upon a giraffe rolling a joint. The rabbit looks at the giraffe and says, "Giraffe my friend, why do you do this? Come. Run with me through the forest! You''ll feel so much better!" The giraffe looks at him, looks at the joint, tosses it and goes off running with the rabbit. Then they come across an elephant doing coke. So the rabbit again says, "Elephant my friend, why do you do this? Think about your health. Come. Run with us through the pretty forest, you''ll see, you''ll feel so good!" The elephant looks at them, looks at his razor, mirror and coke, then tosses them and starts running with the rabbit and giraffe. The three animals then come across a lion about to shoot up. "Lion my friend, why do you do this? Think about your health! Come. Run with us through the beautiful forest and you''ll feel so good!" The lion looks at him, puts down his needle, and mauls the rabbit. The giraffe and elephant watch in horror and look at him and ask, "Lion, why did you do this? He was merely trying to help you." The lion answers, "That little bastard! He makes me run around the forest like a f**king idiot every time he's on ecstasy!

One blonde can make a difference! At least that is what the blonde in this joke thought. She was tired of everyone thinking that blondes were stupid, and she didn't like all these jokes. To end the injustice, she decided to prove to the world that she was smart. In order to prove herself, she chose to memorize the capital of every American state. It wasn't an easy task, but she was determined and eventually managed to do it. A few days later she was in a bar, and heard a couple of men laughing at a blonde joke. This was the perfect opportunity to start righting all the wrongs that had been done to blondes in the past - she would set these men straight! Marching over at a rapid pace she announced, "It isn't true that all blondes are stupid, and I will prove it. Just ask me the capital of any American state, and I will tell you what it is." Although a little surprised, the men did challenge her and asked, "Ok, how about Arizona?" The Blonde, after pausing for a moments thought, proudly gave the answer, "A"!