SYMPTOM: Pint appears to be crystal clear...
FAULT: It's water. Somebody is trying to sober you up.
ACTION: Punch him/her.

SYMPTOM: Don't recognise anyone, don't even recognise the room you're in.
FAULT: Don't panic - you've wandered into the wrong party.
ACTION: See if they've any free pints anyhow.

SYMPTOM: Feet cold and wet.
FAULT: Glass being held at incorrect angle.
ACTION: Rotate glass so that open end points toward ceiling.

SYMPTOM: Feet warm and wet.
FAULT: Improper bladder control.
ACTION: Stand next to nearest pet dog, complain about how house training has "gone to the dogs nowadays".

SYMPTOM: Pint appears unusually pale and tasteless.
FAULT: Glass empty.
ACTION: Get someone to get you another pint.

SYMPTOM: Opposite wall covered with fluorescent lights.
FAULT: You've fallen over backwards.
ACTION: Have yourself chained to bar counter.

SYMPTOM: Mouth contains fag-ends.
FAULT: You have fallen forward.
ACTION: See above.

SYMPTOM: Beer tastes tasteless, front of your shirt is wet.
FAULT: Mouth not open, or glass applied to wrong part of face.
ACTION: Retire to loo, practise in mirror.

SYMPTOM: Floor blurry.
FAULT: You're looking through bottom of empty glass.
ACTION: Get someone to get you another pint.

SYMPTOM: Floor moving.
FAULT: You are being carried out.
ACTION: Find out if you are being taken to another pub/party

SYMPTOM: Room seems unusually dark.
FAULT: Bar has closed, have yez no homes to go to
ACTION: Confirm home address with barman, grab taxi home.

SYMPTOM: Taxi's interior suddenly takes on colourful aspect and textures.
FAULT: Beer consumption has exceeded personal limitations.
ACTION: Cover mouth.

SYMPTOM: Everyone looks up to you and smiles.
FAULT: You are dancing on a table.
ACTION: Fall on somebody cushy-looking.

SYMPTOM: Hands hurts, nose hurts, mind unusually clear though.
FAULT: You have been in a fight.
ACTION: Apologise to everyone you see, just in case it was them.

SYMPTOM: Your singing sounds distorted.
FAULT: That lager is too weak.
ACTION: Have more drink until your voice improves.

SYMPTOM: Ugly woman/man in your sights.
FAULT: Insufficient beer intake.
ACTION: Up dosage immediately.

SYMPTOM: Shins and toes hurt.
FAULT: You've been walking into things.
ACTION: Maintain dosage.

SYMPTOM: Bed is bumping around.
FAULT: Taking an ambulance ride.
ACTION: It's too late, you made complete arsehole of self.

If this had happened in a US airport,compared to Glasgow

Eyewitness accounts.

> > America:"Oh my God! there was a man on fire,he was running about, i just ran for my life..i thought i was gonna die,he got so close to me"

> > Glasgow "C*nt wis running aboot on fire,so a ran up n gave him a good boot,then decked him"


> > America:"I just wanna get home,away from here..i just wanna get home,i thought i was gonna die"

> > Glasgow:"here shug,am no leaving here till am oan a f*ckin' plane!"


> > America:"there was pandemonium,people were running in all directions,we didn't know what was hapening,i thought i was gonna die"

> > Glasgow:"F*ck this fir a kerry oan,moan we ll get a pint in"


> > America:"We thought he was gonna blow us all up he had a gas canister,and was trying to get into his trunk,i thought we were gonna die,i just ran for my life"

> > Glasgow:"a swaggered by the motor that wis on fire,and the dafty couldnae even open his boot,he wis in fire annaw so a ran up n gave him a good boot to the baws"


> > America:there was this huge explosion,it sounded like war,i thought i was gonna die"

> > Glasgow:"There wis a bang,yi know when yi throw BO basher intae a fire it wis like that"


> > America:"i'm too traumatised even to speak,i thought i was gonna die"

> > Glasgow "here mate,gies 2 minutes till a phone ma auld dear,if am gonna be oan the telly a want her tae tape it"


Finally,

two quotes from an eye-witness.........john smeaton (these are real) John just surpassed himself on the National ITV new. The
interviewer asked "What message do you have for the bombers"

- he replied "This is Glasgow we'll just set about you"
John done an interview on cnn and they asked how he restrained the guy and he said "me and other folk were just tryin 2 get the boot in and some other guy banjoed him" !

1.Get 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in people's carts when they
aren't looking.

2. Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off at 5-minute intervals.

3. Make a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to the rest rooms.

4. Walk up to an employee and tell him/her in an official tone,
" 'Code 3' in housewares".... and see what happens.

5. Go to the Service Desk and ask to put a bag of M&M's on lay away.

6. Move a 'CAUTION - WET FLOOR' sign to a carpeted area.

7. Set up a tent in the camping department and tell other shoppers you'll
invite them in if they'll bring pillows from the bedding department.

8. When a clerk asks if they can help you, begin to cry and ask,
"Why can't you people just leave me alone?"

9. Look right into the security camera; & use it as a mirror, and pick your
nose.

10. While handling guns in the hunting department, ask the clerk if he knows where the anti - depressants are.

11. Dart around the store suspiciously loudly humming the "Mission
Impossible" theme.

12. In the auto department, practice your "Madonna look" using different
size funnels.

13. Hide in a clothing rack and when people browse through,
say "PICK ME!" "PICK ME!"

14. When an announcement comes over the loud speaker, assume the fetal
position and scream.."NO! NO! It's those voices again!!!!"

15. Go into a fitting room and shut the door and wait a while; and then
yell, very loudly, "There is no toilet paper in here!

16. Get several bouncy balls and throw them down an aisle shouting "go,
pikachu, go!"