He's so camp, he shites tent pegs
I'm as sick as a plane to Lourdes
I feel like a boiled shite (hung-over)
(when leaving) I'm off like a debs dress
She had a face on her that would drive rats from a barn
As busy as the Dalkey dole office
Sweatin' like a paedophile in a Barney suit
As tight as a nun's knickers
I'm so horny I'd get up on the crack of dawn
I'd crawl a million miles across broken glass to kiss the exhaust of
the van that took her dirty knickers to the laundry.
Up and down like a whore's knickers
No show pony but would do for a ride around the house
Did your mother find out who your father is yet?
What would ye expect from a pig but a grunt
I left her with a face like a painter' s radio
A Mickey the size of a double-value can of Right Guard!!
Jays us, she could breastfeed a crè che
As fit as a butcher's dog
She ' s got more chins than a Chinese phone book
Not even the tide would take her out
Mother Teresa wouldn' t 't kiss her
Daz wouldn't shift her
Des Kelly wouldn't lay her
A sniper wouldn't take her out
Jays us, ya wouldn't ride her into battle
If I'd a bag of bruised willies I wouldn't give her one
She has a face on her like a bulldog that's just licked p*ss off a nettle
She wouldn't get a kick in a stampede
She had a f@nny like a badly packed kebab
If I'd a garden full of Mickey' s I wouldn't let her look over the wall

Here is the real guide to car ads, and what they really mean...

Low recorded mileage - The seller suspects it has been clocked.

Genuine low mileage - The seller has no idea whether it has been clocked, but the seats aren't worn.

Some service history - Up to 32,000 miles. Unfortunately the car now has 156,000 on the clock.

Full service history - And here's one I made earlier...

Two previous owners - Plus the one whose name is currently on the logbook. Plus the seller, who didn't bother to register the car in his own name. Neither did the mate he bought it from.

Immaculate bodywork - Amazing what you can achieve with P38 and a spray can.

Good condition for year - Well, how many other 1985 Fiats do you see around?

Low mileage for year - On a 15 year old car, that means 120,000 miles.

Mechanic owned - The bloke spends all his working hours fixing cars for other people. Do you really think he's going to spend weekends working on his own?

Lady owner - Hasn't had an oil change in five years.

New engine - New to this car, anyway. Cost fifty quid from a scrap yard, plus a steam clean and a lick of paint.

New tyres - Serbian remoulds at a fiver each.

New battery - Very old battery, scrubbed down with Fairy Liquid.

Recent new clutch - Two years and 40,000 miles ago.

Expensive stereo - Evening, Sir. Sergeant Murphy, Anglesea St. Mind if I take a look inside your car?

Expensive alloys - Somewhere on De Nortside, an Fiat Punto is up on bricks.

Sunroof - Interior full of water up to the bottom of the doors. The fish are thrown in for free.

Very quick - Thrashed to death.

Good runner - It starts and moves under its own power, downhill only!

Very reliable - But not for much longer, which is why the seller wants to get rid of it.

Engine needs minor attention - The oil filler cap is probably re-usable, but everything else is scrap, or only useful as door stops.

Needs little work for NCT - Failed on so many points, the NCT tester ran out of space to write them all down.

Needs minor welding - Needs new bodyshell.

Spares or repair - Everything totally worn out. You may be able to salvage the wheel nuts, if your lucky.

Collector's car - No it isn't. It's a 1975 Hillman Avenger, and you'll have to collect it with a recovery truck

Ideal first car - With a bit of luck, the new owner will crash it before the engine blows up.

Much money spent - Terminally unreliable, rolling money-pit whose owner has given up hope.

Runs on unleaded - For about 1,000 miles, until the valve seats burn out.

Bodykit - Tacky glassfibre wheelarch extensions held on with pop rivets & superglue and painted a slightly different shade to the rest of the car. The car is very quick as a result (See above)

Rustproof, economical car - Reliant Robin

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