"It's like dousing my balls in vinegar" Ben Cleal

"Is he hung like a cucumber?" Ben Cleal

"Nathan, your not a guitarist, you're THE guitar!!!" Richard Potter

"It's like Midnight-day" Kirsty Smith

"She's wearing like a topless top" Ben Cleal

"Nathan, remember I go to Blerrrrg to" Richard Potter

"Thats a Sun-bed ain't it? Is it made with real sun?" Kirsty Smith

"I aint that dumb" Kirsty Smith

"is 9 an odd number?" Kirsty Smith

It has come to the attention of the NPVA (National Playground Virus Association) that the fabled C virus (aka Eperdermus Cootus, or Cooties) has been reported in numerous playground across the world. This is a Global viral warning!
Reports include, locations across North America such as New York, Minnesota, and Texas; many playgrounds in Tokyo, and countless reports over the UK.
Mass evacuation and immediate isolation of those infected has been put to action in these areas, and will soon occur in every playground in the world.
Try not to panic but be cautious. The virus could be anywhere as those carrying it show no symptoms. However those infected with it do.

For further education on the virus, read ahead.

History on Cooties:

Cooties (aka. C virus, Epedermus Cootus) has been around for as long as mankind has been breathing. Discovered by doctor Earl Van Cootyberg, the C virus is only known to show full infection symptoms in Men. Women (being very lucky) are only known to carry the virus and spread it through the swapping of saliva, or any mouth to mouth contact between genders.
Symptoms include a socially void state of mind known as 'You've got Cooties!!!'. The virus flows quickly into the bloodstream and if not treated with an acquired vaccine ASAP, the symptoms take effect and rapidly lead to the demise of the subject's social function. Thus rendering him a 'reject'.This term was derived from the very early warning system used more commonly in the playground to identify those with the virus.
So far there are no known immune subjects to the virus. It is apparently infectious to all men, and spreadable amongst all women, however Men cannot spread it between them. However a cure has been recently discovered. Yet only in development, it has so far been known to be a success, it just needs to be tested amongst different blood types.
The cure is known as Anti-Cooty serum or formally, Anti-Cootus Mootus.
As symptoms are immediate after infection, the serum must be administered as soon as possible. It is obtainable at any local hospital and is given for free due to the recent urgency of the drug.
If very popular in the playground, or being strong and healthy, the virus has been known to almost disappear from the subject leaving him with a clean bill of health. Such behavior in a virus is unique to the Cooties infection.

It is vital that everyone near a playground remains in there homes and wears there designated oxygen masks at all times until the mass evacuation passes through your main street. Warnings will be issued ASAP. Be sure to be at the Evac points when told so by an officail Cooty inspector. Otherwise barricade yourself somewhere safe for the remainder of the clean up process.

One final point: May God be with us

Here are some of the greatest quotes I have ever heard:

"Please do not fiddle with my ducting" Mr. Webber

"Buying a plectrum for 99p is dumb. Buy one for £1 cos it"s cheaper" James Hudd

"I cant think, I have no brain" Michael Sprague

"I"m not going to sleep. So I feel more awake" Ben Cleal

"Its obvious your the ringleader in this Whirlwind of not listening!" Mr. Webber

"I know who you live!" Nathan Coombes

"I kind of ran into a fence" Ben Cleal

"I'm just to tired to sleep" Michael Sprague

"Yeah, a boy fell down the plug-hole at the swimming pool didn't he" Lauren Tuffin

"Emotional Carnage" Ian Hobby

"I forgot my hood! Its all your fault" Rachel Price

"Your musics better than mine. Cos my musics crap. Cos i dont have any" Toby Goulden

"Your digging yourself into a digger hole now" Ben Cleal

"Jessie from Toy Story 2 is fit! Id put my Snake in her boot any day!!" Robin Lane

"I had a shower today! Even though I had one yesterday!" Rachel Price

"Its warm and cold and nice in here" Grant Normanton

"What does Durkur durkur mean!! Is it French or something?" Rachel Price

"This bass guitar pumps out some major bass!!!" Bruce Powell

"I cant be assed to be assed" Scott Marshall

"I had all the older girls our age around me" Scott Marshall

"We have a moblem with the maps" Ben Cleal

"I don't go to all the parties! I haven't missed one yet though! Stacey Bailey

"Its like a duet of five people singing" Tom Mesher

"No I wont get done for child abuse "cos I wont hit my own children!" Kirsty Smith

"Look at my foot! Its falling apart!" Rachel Price

"Lying down is basically standing up only horizontal" Ben Cleal

"When you breathe normally, do you breathe through your lungs or your stomach?" Kirsty Smith

"I have X-ray hearing!" Laura Potter

"Even if I don't go out Ill still be in" Rachel Price

"I might wear my hair half up and half down" Rachel Price

"If I do a sponsored silence can I still laugh?" Rachel Price

"I'm a human Hamster!" Nathan Coombes

"Run up behind her and give her a slap on the back of the face!" Ashley Grimstead

"Tom do you still have your name?" Jo Dymel

"Oh dear. I have fallen in a rabbit" Jo Dymel

"Ahhhhhh my ear has fallen off" Jo Dymel

" If I slept Id be asleep..and I can never sleep when Im asleep" Laura Potter

"I'm fine even when I'm not fine" Laura Potter

"I am a nobody because somebody else is a somebody and I defiantly aint everyone" Laura Potter

"Look what I said" Laura Potter

"I just realized its possible to jump and stand still at the same time" Laura Potter

"What does this like look from where your not?" Kirsty Smith

"What do you use to play Frisbee with?" Kirsty Smith

"Yes please be quiet the tuberculosis sufferers are trying to take over my lesson" Mr Webber

"You Pinnacle of witt sir" Ian Hobby

"I was once at school, well I'm quite often at school" Mr Webber

"Alot of your English teachers are saying, well not your english teachers cos Im your only English teacher" Mr Webber

"I cant walk when I'm not drunk!" Kirsty Smith

"I cant find my face!" Kirsty Smith

"Well you'll have to turn up the volume in your ears" Mr Webber

"You took the words right out of my face" Sam Adams

"Maybe its because I breathe through my belly so my heart is there" Kirsty Smith

"My tummy hurts from thinking" Kirsty Smith

"Careful the rain may melt you" Kirsty Smith

"Whats force push? Is that like a pokemon thing?" Emma Down

"It doesn't sound as bad, it sounds worse" Ben Cleal

"I'm so more cleverer than you!" Rachel Price

"Ducks can fly!???" Andrew Plimmer