Chuck Norris does not hunt because the word hunting infers the
probability of failure. Chuck Norris goes killing.

To prove it isn't that big of a deal to beat cancer. Chuck Norris
smoked 15 cartons of cigarettes a day for 2 years and acquired 7
different kinds of cancer only to rid them from his body by
flexing for
30 minutes. Beat that, Lance Armstrong.

Chuck Norris counted to infinity - twice.

When the Boogeyman goes to sleep every night he checks his closet for
Chuck Norris.

A blind man once stepped on Chuck Norris' shoe. Chuck replied, "Don't
you know who I am? I'm Chuck Norris!" The mere mention of his name
cured this man blindness. Sadly the first, last, and only thing this
man ever saw, was a fatal roundhouse delivered by Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris ordered a Big Mac at Burger King, and got one.

When Chuck Norris sends in his taxes, he sends blank forms
and includes
only a picture of himself, crouched and ready to attack. Chuck Norris
has not had to pay taxes ever.

Chuck Norris can touch MC Hammer.

Chuck Norris once ate three 72 oz. steaks in one hour. He spent the
first 45 minutes having sex with his waitress.

Chuck Norris always has sex on the first date. Always.

Chuck Norris sleeps with a night light. Not because Chuck Norris is
afraid of the dark, but the dark is afraid of Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris likes to knit sweaters in his free time. And by "knit", I
mean "kick", and by "sweaters", I mean "babies".

As a teen Chuck Norris impregnated every nun in a convent tucked away
in the hills of Tuscany. Nine months later the nuns gave birth to the
1972 Miami Dolphins, the only undefeated and untied team in
professional football history.

A Handicap parking sign does not signify that this spot is for
handicapped people. It is actually in fact a warning, that the spot
belongs to Chuck Norris and that you will be handicapped if you park
there.

Chuck Norris is 1/8th Cherokee. This has nothing to do with ancestry,
the man ate a f**king Indian.

Someone once tried to tell Chuck Norris that roundhouse kicks aren't
the best way to kick someone. This has been recorded by historians as
the worst mistake anyone has ever made.

If Chuck Norris is late, time better slow the f**k down.

Chuck Norris died ten years ago, but the Grim Reaper can't get up the
courage to tell him.

At birth, Chuck Norris came out feet first so he could
roundhouse kick
the doctor in the face. Nobody delivers Chuck Norris but Chuck Norris.

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Chuck Norris

Chuck Norris uses ribbed condoms inside out, so he gets the pleasure.

Chuck Norris' tears cure cancer. Too bad he has never cried.

When Chuck Norris has sex with a man, it is not because he is gay, but
because he has run out of women.

Macgyver can build an airplane out of gum and paper clips, but Chuck Norris can kill him and take it.

Chuck Norris once roundhouse kicked someone so hard that his foot broke the speed of light, went back in time, and killed Amelia Earhart while she
was flying over the Pacific Ocean.

Chuck Norris doesn't read books. He stares them down until he gets the
information he wants.

If you ask Chuck Norris what time it is, he always says, "Two seconds
till." After you ask, "Two seconds to what?" he roundhouse kicks you in the
face.

Chuck Norris only masturbates to pictures of Chuck Norris.

Rather than being birthed like a normal child, Chuck Norris instead decided
to punch his way out of his mother's womb. Shortly thereafter he grew a
beard.

Chuck Norris appeared in the "Street Fighter II" video game, but was
removed by Beta Testers because every button caused him to do a roundhouse kick. When asked bout this "glitch," Norris replied, "That's no glitch."

Chuck Norris lost his virginity before his dad did.

Since 1940, the year Chuck Norris was born, roundhouse kick related deaths have increased 13,000 percent.

Chuck Norris sold his soul t