A woman has a close male friend. This means that he is probably interested in her, which is why he hangs around so much. She sees him strictly as a friend. This always starts out with, you're a great guy, but I don't like you in that way. This is roughly the equivalent for the guy of going to a job interview and the company saying, You have a great resume, you have all the qualifications we are looking for, but we're not going to hire you. We will, however, use your resume as the basis for comparison for all other applicants. But, we're going to hire somebody who is far less qualified and is probably an alcoholic. And if he doesn't work out, we'll hire somebody else, but still not you. In fact, we will never hire you. But we will call you from time to time to complain about the person that we hired.

i feel like shit. i haven't been able to think or write properly or coherently in weeks. i've barely managed to pass the semester with regard to my academics. and why? well anyone reading this who doesn't know, doesn't know me well enough to know the reasons. this is as close as i come to keeping a diary. you should never write things down; as a historian i can tell you that there will always be some bastard coming along when you're dead and reading through your private thoughts and personal feelings, the ones which you chose to confide to a sheet of paper. and they will use that information to further their own ambitions.

as a...well she was a friend, I'm not sure about that anymore and i'm afraid to even ask, because i'm not sure i'll like the answer. to paraphrase her, i'm doing my diet wonders! makes me wonder how much of a fat bastard i must have been eh! i'm going through hell. again. well actually continually. the last.. i guess 6 weeks or so have been one trial by fire after another. i now hate and am more than likely hated in return. i love and am probably hated for that love. i have destroyed a friendship that meant so much more to me than i had ever thought possible. and it is more than likely gone, never to return. and i have taken it in my hands and broken it.

well done eamonn

very well done you absolute and utter fucking idiot.

you can now see why i'm perfectly suited for the world of academia; a perfectly safe place to put an incredibly dangerous and unstable person like me. perfect.

and still i have not learned my lesson. no i still love her. and will for a long time. because i cannot think of anyone else. i cannot see anyone else. i cannot think about anything beyond seeing her again. i dream of holding her in my arms again and cannot even contemplate the perfectness of the moment that i would experience to kiss her.

wordy eh!

see what i meant about leaving words on paper! i can just imagine givin some little bespectacled little bastards in the 23rd century a hard-on readin this if i had written it down!! instead all i am doing is giving u a severe case of the 'whodunnits'. of course if you know me, you'll know enough not to ask.

cheers

sound for that discretion.

incidentally, self-doubt is only the second worst enemy a pseron can have. inflicting doubt onto a person that you love is the worst...please heed my warning. DO NOT HURT THOSE YOU CARE ABOUT. it will return to haunt you and it WILL destroy everything that you care about.

and then where will you be?

you'll be all alone at a computer at 5am. heartbroke. tired of trying and too afraid to stop. listening to terrible love songs, because all the best lyrics have already been taken. typing a sad, lonely, desperate web-log entry, that is thinly disguised as an sos to the woman you love.

an sos that you hope she will never read.

never understand.

never have to answer.

and yet you want her to love you so much that it hurts beyond all belief. beyond all recognition. beyond all telling.

and you know, deep deep down that it's never going to work.

that she'll never be with you.

that she'll go back to him.

and that you'll be alone again.

without her love and warmth and caring.

forever.

I have no idea what I'm writing about here. I honestly have no idea about any of anything anymore.