In a quiet spot down a lonely dark road
There stands a house where few people go
A house where you come in from the rain
To be with the people we know.

Theres a roof that’s looked into our souls
Theres a floor that’s felt a hundred feet
There are doors that have welcomed thousands of us
There are walls that saw a million minds meet.

For me the memories stretch back years
Seven to be exact
And though some of us travel war and wide
We know we always be welcomed back

And though we’re all still young
And enjoying living in sin
I’ll still see you there when I’m a dead man walking
Down the Deadmans Inn...

"It's an insane world and I'm proud to be part of it."

"I don’t mean to sound bitter, cold or cruel, but I am. So that’s how it comes out."

On the theft of his material by Denis Leary: "I have a scoop for you. I stole his act. I camouflaged it with punchlines, and to really throw people off, I did it before he did."

"I'm a comedian and poet, so anything that doesn't get a laugh... is a poem."

"Ladies, if men could suck their own dicks you'd be here on your own tonight. Staring at an empty stage."

Your denial is beneath you, and thanks to the use of hallucinogenic drugs, I see through you.

The musicians today who don't do drugs and in fact speak out against it? "Rock Against Drugs?" BOY do they suck.

Why is marijuana against the law? It grows naturally upon our planet. Doesn't the idea of making nature against the law seem to you a bit... unnatural? You know what I mean? It's nature. How do you make nature against the fucking law?

You ever noticed how people who believe in Creationism look really unevolved? You ever noticed that? Eyes real close together, eyebrow ridges, big furry hands and feet. "I believe God created me in one day" Yeah, looks liked He rushed it.

I'll tell you something honestly about drugs, honestly, and I know it's not a very popular idea, you don't hear it very often anymore, but it is the truth: I had a great time doing drugs. Sorry. Never murdered anyone, never robbed anyone, never raped anyone, never beat anyone, never lost a job, a car, a house, a wife or kids, laughed my ass off, and went about my day.

I have never seen two people on pot get in a fight because it is fucking IMPOSSIBLE. "Hey, buddy!" "Hey, what?" "Ummmmmmm...." End of argument.

By the way, if anyone here is in advertising or marketing, kill yourself. Thank you, thank you. Just a little thought. I'm just trying to plant seeds. Maybe one day they'll take root. I don't know. You try. You do what you can. Kill yourselves. Seriously though, if you are, do. No really, there's no rationalisation for what you do, and you are Satan's little helpers, OK? Kill yourselves, seriously. You're the ruiner of all things good. Seriously, no, this is not a joke. "There's gonna be a joke coming..." There's no fucking joke coming, you are Satan's spawn, filling the world with bile and garbage, you are fucked and you are fucking us, kill yourselves, it's the only way to save your fucking soul. Kill yourself, kill yourself, kill yourself now. Now, back to the show.

"You know what Bill's doing now, he's going for the righteous indignation dollar, that's a big dollar, a lot of people are feeling that indignation, we've done research, huge market. He's doing a good thing." Godammit, I'm not doing that, you scumbags, quit putting a godamn dollar sign on every fucking thing on this planet!

People say "Iraq has the fourth largest army in the world". Yeah, maybe, but you know what, after the first three largest armies, there's a REAL big fucking drop-off. The Hare Krishnas are the 5th largest army in the world, and they've already got all our airports.

ON NON-SMOKERS:

Obnoxious , self-righteous, whining little fucks. My biggest fear is that if I quit smoking, I'll become one of you...Don't take that wrong. I have something to tell you non-smokers that I know for a fact that you don't know, and I feel it's my duty to pass on information at all times. Ready?

NON-SMOKERS DIE EVERY DAY... Enjoy your evening. See, I know that you entertain this eternal life fantasy because you've chosen not to smoke, but let me be the first to POP that bubble and bring you hurtling back to reality....You're dead too.

"I'm Bill Hicks and I'm dead now, cause I smoked cigarettes. Cigarettes didn't kill me, a bunch of non-smokers kicked the shit outta me one night. I tried to run, they were faster than I. I tried to hide, they heard me wheezing... Some of them smelled me. But now I'm in heaven... sniffing Yul Brynner's noggin!"

Ever wondered what all these different genres of metal actually mean?
Well now you know…

HEAVY METAL
The protagonist arrives on a Harley, kills the dragon, drinks a few beers, and bones the princess.

POWER METAL
The protagonist arrives riding a white unicorn, escapes from the dragon, saves the princess and makes love to her in an enchanted forest.

THRASH METAL
The protagonist arrives, fights the dragon, saves the princess and f**ks her.

FOLK METAL
The protagonist arrives with some friends playing accordions, violins, flutes and many more weird instruments. The dragon falls asleep (because of all the dancing). Then they all leave...without the princess.

VIKING METAL
The protagonist arrives in a ship, kills the dragon with his mighty axe, skins the dragon and eats it, rapes the princess to death, steals her belongings, and burns the castle before leaving.

DEATH METAL
The protagonist arrives, kills the dragon, f**ks the princess and kills her, then leaves.

BLACK METAL
The protagonist arrives at midnight, kills the dragon and impales it in front of the castle. Then he sodomizes the princess, drinks her blood in a ritual before killing her. Then he impales the princess next to the dragon.

GORE METAL
The protagonist arrives, kills the dragon and spreads his guts in front of the castle, f**ks the princess and kills her. Then he f**ks the dead body, slashes her belly, and eats her guts. Then he f**ks the carcass again, burns the corpse, and f**ks it for the last time.

GRIND METAL
The protagonist arrives, screams something completely indecipherable for about 30 seconds, and then leaves.

DOOM METAL
The protagonist arrives, sees the size of the dragon, and thinks he could never beat him. He gets depressed and commits suicide. The dragons eats his body and the princess as dessert. That's the end of the sad story.

GOTHIC METAL
The princess in a velvet costume starts singing soprano. The protagonist completes the duet by adding the beast part, while the dragon plays the flute. Suddenly the dragon swallows the flute and accidently scorches the beauty and the beast and suffocates to death. All their souls are damned in hell for all eternity.

PROGRESSIVE METAL
The protagonist arrives with a guitar and plays a solo of 26 minutes. The dragon kills himself out of boredom. The protagonist arrives at the princess' bedroom, plays another solo with all the techniques and tunes he learned in the last year of the conservatory. The princess escapes looking for the HEAVY METAL protagonist.

INDUSTRIAL METAL
The protagonist arrives wearing a greasy overcoat, makes an obscene gesture towards the dragon, and gets escorted out of fairy tale land by security guards.

SPEED METAL
Suddenly there, short solo, dragon is confused, someone's screaming weird stuff, princess realizes she's been deflowered, dragon and princess are still looking for the one who did this.

CHRISTIAN METAL
The protagonist rides in on his way home from church and sings a mushy power ballad to the dragon about how much Jesus loves him and that the dragon should turn to Him. The Dragon is immediately converted, and when the princess wants to "thank" the protagonist he replies, "sorry, but I don't believe in having sex before marriage".

GLAM METAL
The protagonist arrives, the dragon laughs at the guy's appearance and lets him enter. He steals the princess' make-up and tries to paint the castle in a beautiful pink color.

BATTLE METAL
The protagonist arrives with a legion of a hundred brave footmen, war chariots, and a dozen elite warriors, and as a master tactician, flanks the dragon in a bloody siege that lasts six hours. The princess gets bored.

NU METAL
The protagonist arrives in a run down Honda Civic and attempts to fight the dragon but he burns to death when his moronic baggy clothes catch fire.

EMO
The protagonist sees the dragon and moans about how hard it will be to get the princess to fall in love with him.