here are some actual label instructions found on consumer goods.

On a Myer hairdryer:
"Do not use while sleeping".
what well fuck it when else would you do it!!

On a bag of Crisps:
You could be a winner! No purchase necessary. Details inside.
Cool does that mean i can just open all the bags and try find it

On a bar of Palmolive soap:
"Directions: Use like regular soap".
whats soap???

On some frozen dinners:
"Serving suggestion: Defrost".
naw fuck that no time just it straight out of the freezer pretend its ice cream!!

On Nanna's Tiramisu dessert
(printed on bottom):
"Do not turn upside down".
are you threatening me??

On Marks & Spencer Bread Pudding:
"Product will be hot after heating".
ya right?? your joking? what your serious how could that be!!

On packaging for a K-Mart iron:
"Do not iron clothes on body".
oh you would want to some dumb fuck

On Boot's Children Cough Medicine:
"Do not drive a car or operate machinery after taking this medication".
my damn kids wont just go to bed after they get their medicine, they have to go out driving fork lifts and cars bastards!!!

On Nytol Sleep Aid:
"Warning: May cause drowsiness".
ya think!!

On a Japanese food processor:
"Not to be used for the other use".
in the words of lil John WWWWWWWHHHhhaaaaaattttT!! oooooooohhhhhkkKKKK!!!

On Nobby's peanuts:
"Warning: contains nuts".
S M R T! S M R T! S M R T!

On an American Airlines packet of nuts:
"Instructions: Open packet, eat nuts".
empty on to floor

On a Swedish chainsaw:
"Do not attempt to stop chain with your hands or genitals".
I don't think any one in there right mind?? mabey hands but god why???

My name is...
Shake-Zula.
The mic-rula,
The old schoolah,
Ya wanna trip? I'll bring it to ya.
Frylock and I'm on top, Rock you like a cop
Meatwad you up next with your knock-knock.
Meatwad make the money, see.
Meatwad get the honeys, G.
Drivin in my car, livin' like a star.
Ice on my fingers and my toes and I'm a Taurus

Check it.
Check it, check it.

'Cuz we are the aqua teens,
make the homies say ho! and the girlies wanna scream
'Cuz we are the aqua teens,
make the homies say ho! and the girlies wanna scream

Aqua Teen Hunger Force.
Number 1 in the Hood, G