- Wax the ceiling
- Rearrange political campaign signs
- Sharpen your teeth
- Play Houdini with one of your siblings
- Braid your dog's hair
- Clean and polish your belly button
- Water your dog...see if he grows
- Wash a tree
- Knight yourself
- Name your child Edsel
- Scare Stephen King
- Give your cat a mohawk
- Purr
- Mow your carpet
- Play Pat Boone records backwards
- Vacuum your lawn
- Sleep on a bed of nails
- DON'T toss and turn
- Boil ice cream
- Run around in squares
- Think of quadruple entendres
- Speak in acronyms
- Have your pillow X-rayed
- Drink straight shots...of water
- Calmly have a nervous breakdown
- Give your goldfish a perm
- Fly a brick
- Play tag...on West 35th Street
- Exorcise a ghost
- Exercise a ghost
- Be blue
- Be red
- But don't be orange
- Plant a shoe
- Sweat
- Give a Rorschach test to your gerbil
- Turn
- Write a letter to Plato
- Mail it
- Take your sofa for a walk
- Start
- Stop
- Dial 911 and breathe heavily
- Go to a funeral...tell jokes
- Play the piano...with mittens on
- Scheme
- Sit
- Stay
- Water your family room
- Cause a power failure
- Roll over
- Play dead
- Find a witch
- Burn her
- Donate your brother's body to science
- Ask why
- Wriggle
- Regress
- Sleepwalk without sleeping
- Try to join Hell's Angels by mail
- Wonder
- Be a square root
- Ask stupid questions
- Weld your car doors shut
- Spew
- Vacation at Three-Mile Island
- Surf Ohio
- Teach your pet rock to play dead
- Go bowling for small game
- Be a monk...for a day
- Wear a sweatband to your wedding
- Staple
- Run away
- Intimidate a piece of chalk
- Abuse the plumbing
- Bend a florescent light
- Bend a brick
- Annoy total strangers
- Let the best man win
- Believe in Santa Claus
- Throw marshmallows against the wall
- Hold an ice cube as long as possible
- Adopt strange mannerisms
- Blow up a balloon until it pops
- Sing soft and sweet and clear
- Sing loud and sour and gravely
- Open everything
- Balance a pencil on your nose
- Pour milk in your shoes
- Write graffiti under the rug
- Embarrass yourself
- Grind your teeth
- Chew ice
- Count your belly button
- Sit in a row
- Stack crumbs
- Gesture
- Save your toenail clippings
- Make a pass at your blender
- Punt
- Make up words that start with X
- Make oatmeal in the bathtub
- Search for the Lost Chord
- Chew on a sofa cushion
- Sing a duet
- Balance a pillow on your head
- Hold your breath
- Faint
- Stretch
- Flash your mailman
- Teach your TA English
- Learn to speak Farsi
- Swear in Russian
- Use an eraser until it goes away
- Disassemble your car
- Put it together inside out
- Record your walls
- Interview your feet
- Make a list of your favorite fungi
- Sell formaldehyde
- Repeat
- Ad lib
- Fade
- File your teeth - Whine
- Rake your carpet
- Re-elect Richard Nixon
- Critique "Three's Company"
- Listen to a painting
- Play with matches
- Buff your cat
- Race ferrets
- Paint your house...Day-Glow Orange
- Have a formal dinner at White Castle
- Read Homer in the original Greek
- Learn Greek
- Change your mind
- Change it back
- Watch the sun...see if it moves
- Build a pyramid
- Stand on your head
- Stand on someone else's head
- Spit shine your Nikes
- See how long you can stay awake
- See how long you can sleep
- Paint your teeth
- Wear a salad
- Speak with a forked tongue
- Paint stripes on a lake
- Ski Kansas
- Sleep in freefall
- Kill a Joule
- Test thin ice...with a pogo stick
- Apply for a unicorn hunting license
- Do a good job
- Crawl
- Invite the Mansons over for dinner
- Paint your windows
- Watch a watch until it stops
- Flash your goldfish
- Paint
- Flirt with an evergreen
- Smile
- Rotate your garden...daily
- Paint a smile
- Shoot a fire hydrant
- Apologize to it
- Pretend you're blind
- Annoy yourself
- Get mad at

The following short quiz consists of 4 questions and tells whether you are qualified to be a "professional". Scroll down for each answer.

1. How do you put a giraffe into a refrigerator?

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The correct answer is: Open the refrigerator, put in the giraffe and close the door. This question tests whether you tend to do simple things in an overly complicated way.

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2. How do you put an elephant into a refrigerator?

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Wrong Answer pen the refrigerator, put in the elephant and close the refrigerator.

Correct Answer: Open the refrigerator, take out the giraffe, put in the elephant and close the door. This tests your ability to think through the repercussions of your actions.

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3. The Lion King is hosting an animal conference. All the animals attend except one. Which animal does not attend?

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Correct Answer: The Elephant. The Elephant is in the refrigerator. This tests your memory.

OK, even if you did not answer the first three questions correctly, you still have one more chance to show your abilities...

4. There is a river you must cross. But it is inhabited by crocodiles. How do you manage it?

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Correct Answer: You swim across. All the Crocodiles are attending the Animal Meeting. This tests whether you learn quickly from your mistakes.

According to Andersen Consulting Worldwide, around 90% of the professionals they tested got all questions wrong. But many preschoolers got several correct answers. Anderson Consulting says this conclusively disproves the theory that most professionals have the brains of a four year old.

A
Arse- Ass
Advert- Commerical
Autumn- Fall

B
Boot (of car)- Trunk
Biscuit- Cookie
Box- Booth
Barrister- Attorney
Bin- Trash Can
Bungalow- Single storey house
Bum bag- fanny pack
Bar maid/man- Bartender

C
Chips- fries
Crisps- potato chips
Casualty/ A&E- ER
Caravan- Trailer
Cupboard- closet
Candy floss- cotton candy
Canteen- Cafeteria
Crumpet- English Muffin
Chemist- Drugstore
Car Park- parking lot

D
Dummy- Pacifier
Double yellow lines- no parking zone
Dressing gown- robe
Dinner jacket- tuxedo

E
---

F
Fag- cigarette
Football- Soccer
Fire brigade- fire department
Father Christmas- Santa Claus
Flat- apartment
Flat mate- room mate
Film- Movie

G
Gay- fag

H
Holiday- Vacation

I
Insect- Bug

J
Jelly- Jello
Jam- jelly
Jumper- Sweater

K
Knickers- Panties

L
Lift- Elevator
Lead- Leash
Lorry- Truck/semi
Loft- Attic

M
Mobile- Cell phone
Maths- Math
Mum- mom
Motorawy- freeway

N
Napies- Dipers
Number plate- licence plate

O
Off Licence- liquor store
Operation- Surgery

P
Pudding- dessert
Pop- soda
Public school- Private school
(I have no idea why)
Pram- stroller
Post Mortem- autopsy
Plaster- band aid
Petrol- gas
Postcode- zipcode
Pavement- sidewalk
Programme- tv show

Q
Queue- stand in line

R
Rubbish- Trash
Roundabout- Rotories

S
Sweets- Candy
Sofa- couch
Shop- store
Shopping trolley- shopping cart
Skip- dumpster
sledge- sled
Swimming costume- Bathing suit
Starter- Appetizer
Stone (weight)- 14 Pounds

T
Trainers- Sneakers
Tights- Pantyhose
Tea- Dinner
Take away- (meal) to go
Tin- can
Tomato Sauce- Ketchup
Toilet- john
Toilet- Bathroom
Tart (person)- A flirt
Trousers- Pants
Tube- Subway
Table Football- Fusball

U
Underground- Subway
University- college
Up the duff- Pregnant

V-W
Video- VCR
Wine gums- English gums
Windscreen- Windshield

X-Y-Z
Year (school)- Grade