You hear music on the radio and you start marking time.

You're walking behind someone and you're in step with them.

All your friends are in band.

You don't mind changing clothes on the bus (see below).

You know how to change on the bus without revealing anything.

Being mauled by a drum is a normal part of life.

"Armed guard" means a girl with a pole, not a guy with a gun.

You've named your instrument.

You see your section more than you see your family.

You accidentally call your band director/section leader "Dad".

You've actually been to band camp and consider it the highlight of your summer.

You and your pals have memorized the entire repertoire for the year and can play your respective parts together...on kazoos.

You hear a song on the radio and think: "Hey, this'd make a good band song."

You have a harness/neck strap tan line.

A random person could punch you in the face and you wouldn't respond, but you'll fight to the death over who in your section gets to play the solo.

Your biggest crush was/is your drum major/band master/section leader.

You always start off on the left foot.

Having people help dress and undress you isn't even remotely sexually stimulating.

You've been wittness to a fallen xylophone, bells, chimes, or marimba.

Your English teacher is discussing banned bookes and you think - "band books?"

You listen to band demo CDs in your car.

You can measure 5 yards without a ruler- all you need is to count your steps while you're walking.

you've seen the entire band in their underwear.

You've stood at attention for half an hour.

You can sit or hold hands with any band member of the opposite sex, but it doesn't mean anything - you're just cold.

You start humming a show tune from three years ago and your friends join in with their respective parts.

You've had band camp nightmares.

You hate American Pie because if you mention band camp to a non-band member (or, as you may call them, a blasphemer), they ask you if you've ever stuck a flute up your... yeah (even though you're a guy), and they still think they're really being original with that one.

Your most used turn-down line is "Sorry, I've got band that night."

You don't care if you reveal anything on the bus - all the band guys & girls have seen it before anyway

You can walk up to anyone in band and fix any part of their uniform without saying anything other than giving them your instrument and saying, "Hold this."

You and your friends gossip about the instructors' personal lives, and somehow find it more entertaining than gossip about people your own age.

Yet, you do still enjoy gossiping about people in band, and you know that if you're in band, your personal life is no longer personal, and there's no point in trying to keep it that way.

You find that most of your closest friends belong to band. Other people just can't relate.

you aren't a drummer but you can play every cadance as if you were one.

Your favorite memories and stories are from band trips.

People stop calling you a band nerd because you take it as a compliment.

At least one of the pictures in your room is of you in a band unif

You're as welcome as a fart in a spacesuit
My mouth's as dry as a nuns crack
He has rubber-lined pockets so he can steal soup
He thinks manual labour is a Spanish musician
As funny as a burning orphanage
He's so camp, he shites tent pegs
I'm as sick as a plane to Lourdes
I feel like a boiled shite (hungover)
(when leaving) I'm off like a debs dress
She had a face on her that would drive rats from a barn
As busy as the dalkey dole office
Sweatin' like a paedophile in a Barney suit
As tight as a nun's knickers
I'm so horny I'd get up on the crack of dawn
I'd crawl a million miles across broken glass to kiss the exhaust of
the van that took her dirty knickers to the laundry.
Up and down like a hoor's knickers
No show pony but would do for a ride around the house
Did your mother find out who your father is yet?
What would ye expect from a pig but a grunt
I left her with a face like a painters radio
A mickey the size of a double-value can of Right Guard
Jaysus, she could breastfeed a crèche
As fit as a butcher's dog
She's got more chins than a Chinese phone book
Not even the tide would take her out
Mother Teresa wouldn’t kiss her
Daz wouldn't shift her
Des Kelly wouldn't lay her
A sniper wouldn't take her out
Jaysus, ya wouldn't ride her into battle
If I'd a bag of bruised willies I wouldn't give her one
She has a face on her like a bulldog that's just licked piss off a nettle
She wouldn't get a kick in a stampede
She had a fanny like a badly packed kebab
If I'd a garden full of mickeys I wouldn't let her look over the wall

When I was in band I always used to imagine that the different sections in the band were like herds in the plains of Africa. We’d all flock together and get water together and do the same things. And we’d all have our instruments with us out on the plains, and they would be like our features. By features I mean like, giraffes have long necks, rhinoceros have horns, drummers have drums, you know… And our features (instruments) would be our weapons.

The thing is that, we’d all act like animals that really do exist. I always imagined drummers to be like those lions that just sort of lay around in the shade of a tree yawning and being all like, don’t bother me.

I always thought that the flutes and piccolos were toast, and that’s pretty much what the drums ate. They were the gazelles. I also pictured the clarinets and the saxes to herd together, and it was like the clarinets were the girls and the saxes were the guys. And they would breed, and create weird things like those straight saxophones. The sax/clarinets had by far the biggest numbers, but their effectiveness was hurt by the fact that their weapons sucked, and they never could do anything as a whole. They always just wanted to do their own thing. They were hyenas.


The trumpets would be the other dominant section. They were not as big as the sax/clarinets, but their weapons were mediocre as opposed to pure suck. Though they were never established for sure as the best, they always said they were. The trumpets had 3 strong leaders who were always competing to be in power; the rest just sort of followed the current leader quietly, but they all secretly had a favorite. I’m not quite sure what the trumpets were. I guess I’ll have to go with cheetahs or something like that. Just say generic carnivorous animal.

The trumpets and the sax/clarinets had an intense rivalry going, and whenever one met the other there’d be a fight. There was never a huge showdown though. The sax/clarinets could never attack all at once, and the trumpets were too afraid to lose. Even though they would never admit it, they would know in their hearts that they were not the best.

Which brings me to the low brass. The low brass did not group into herds as much as the rest of the band. They, with the exception of the contra's, which were the elephants, were more the loner types. They were the solitary rhino that you found out in the grass. In numbers, the low brass would be unstoppable, but they didn’t do things in numbers, they did things in ones.

Before I go on, I should add that the guard was inconsequential in this. They were the flamingos or something. The drums would run through them scattering them into flight just for fun.


Anyway, so, back to the drums. Being that the drums are battery, their drums were artillery, and they launched things like sticks. Sticks, then could be used in close combat, but they never actually cause damage, they just sort of sting. Also, when confronted by large groups, the drums would run through spinning, taking out large numbers of enemies.

The drums were ultra disciplined, close, and secretive. They had 1 definite leader of the entire section. They also had the advantage that, a sax player couldn’t say, pick up a drum, and pretend to be a drummer for espionage purposes. They would be spotted in a second.

That’s about it for the whole band/plains of Africa thing.

Oh yah, one other thing, there were mysterious disappearances in the night with greater and greater frequency. Every section except the drums were victims of this, but no one knew this except the drums because they were so secretive.


The drums as a section did not know who was doing this, but they never asked either, because it was not their business. It was the snare drummers. Once everyone was asleep they would leave their drums and go off into the darkness to make someone “disappear”.

The whole disappearing thing gave the whole world a sen