Art critics are claiming that a new urban graffiti artist is at large, following the discovery of a major conceptual work on a public highway in Blackburn. The abstract piece, which consists of two parallel yellow lines running the length of either edge of the street was spotted yesterday and is similar in theme and style to a number of lineal artworks that have appeared on roads around the country.

Art critic Rupert Soames believes that the genius of this new anonymous street artist is that he encapsulates the essence of several masters. ‘He is like Banksy in that he works outdoors, fleetingly – yet permanently – marking the urban landscape. He is also a Richard Long, walking and journeying across landscapes, leaving a trail of markings built of elemental materials. Often we see the scattered drip technique influence of Jackson Pollock and I also detect traces of Mark Rothko and early Mondrian in this bold and logical work.’

Holes have appeared in roads where art collectors have dug up sections of the road in order to keep works such as ‘Yellow Criss-Cross Box at Busy Junction’ and the ‘Two Red Lines on Busy Road.’ The Tate Modern are now planning an exhibition showing such minimalist classics as the ‘Broken White Line Down Centre of Road’ Series, the ‘Double Yellow on Bends’ triptych, and ‘Yellow/ Broken White on Asphalt 1-68.’

Meanwhile Rupert Soames was hurrying to Blackburn in the hope of seeing new examples of the mystery artists’ work, though unfortunately he was delayed on his journey there. ‘Bloody workmen, with their contra flows, cones and traffic lights – I’ve no idea what they were doing this time…’

In a new plan to generate increased profits, the Royal Mail is to take a leaf out of the DVLA’s vanity licence plate business and enable the public to change ‘functional but drab’ post codes to ones that express their individuality and character through a personalised range. The new customised post code register is to include name-based entries such as J1M5 GAFF, ‘cheeky’ codes such as H0T L1PS or F15T M3, and a range of more discreet codes that pundits have said could be popular with parents keen to avoid difficult questions about how exactly their address falls into the most popular schools’ catchment areas.

While the general public is expected to take to the scheme in the hope of adding value to rapidly dwindling property prices, Post Office spokesman Jim Lancaster noted that there has also been significant interest from high-profile celebrities, billionaire businessmen, and politicians. He revealed that one of the first personalised post codes to be sold was V1R G1N, ‘and we wish Miss Widdecombe many years of enjoyment of her purchase.’

The Royal family were also rumoured to be interested in new post codes for their estates across the country but, according to Palace insiders, Princes Philip and Harry have so far only come up with abbreviations that clash with requirements on racial equality, taste and decency.

The move was described by some commentators as a ‘pointless gimmick’, but this was strongly denied by the Royal Mail, who highlighted several accompanying benefits such as the free access to the new ‘Premium Second’ class of mail delivery, which will arrive in the same time-frame and condition as traditional second class post but delivered by ‘slightly more attractive postmen’. ‘We’re very confident the scheme is going to take off and really capture the public’s imagination in the same way personalised plates have,’ insisted Lancaster, ‘why already we’ve heard of one young wag who was so keen to get one he’s gone and changed his name to HA4 1JT!’

Walton and Chadbourn, self-proclaimed ‘purveyors of opulent snacks since 1983’ have finally conceded that their premium-priced Organic Ilchester and Caramelised Shallot flavoured crisps were effectively ‘just Cheese and Onion, really’. The admission came at the end of a landmark court battle and looks set to have major repercussions across the luxury crisp and snack market.Over several hours of fierce cross-examination, the crisp makers were repeatedly pressed to explain why the specific combination of flavourings and additives could not equally be compared in taste to, say, mild Red Leicester and genetically modified Georgian Vidalia-onion, before finally conceding defeat.

As well as renaming the offending brand ‘Posh Cheese & Onion’, W&C have also been compelled to call their Freshly Milled Cornish Sea Salt and Balsamic Glaze crisps ‘Over-priced Salt & Vinegar’, and their Crayfish Tails in Sun Dried Tomato & Luxury Mayonnaise Dressing flavour ‘Prawn Cocktail for Gullible Middle-Class People’. Both Messrs Walton and Chadwick complained that judges’ strict ruling will not help shift packets of crisps that are currently retailing at £2.80 a bag.

‘This comes at a tough time for the makers of the premium-priced crisp’ commented Alan Chadbourn. ‘Firstly the credit crunch – if you’ll forgive the pun – drove the shopper back to low-cost alternatives such as Walkers. Now the budget brands are turning the screws with cunning marketing such as the ‘Evict your least favourite E-number’ campaign.

But the judge ruled that the company had four weeks to change the labelling on their crisps or they would be spending six months in ‘a traditional Victorian stone and steel flavour calaboose’ Or ‘prison’.