(Tom Waits/Kathleen Brennan)

It's dreamy weather we're on
You waved your crooked wand
Along an icy pond with a frozen moon
A murder of silhouette crows I saw
And the tears on my face
And the skates on the pond
They spell Alice

I disappear in your name
But you must wait for me
Somewhere across the sea
There's a wreck of a ship
Your hair is like meadow grass on the tide
And the raindrops on my window
And the ice in my drink
Baby all I can think of is Alice

Arithmetic arithmetock
Turn the hands back on the clock
How does the ocean rock the boat?
How did the razor find my throat?
The only strings that hold me here
Are tangled up around the pier

And so a secret kiss
Brings madness with the bliss
And I will think of this
When I'm dead in my grave
Set me adrift and I'm lost over there
And I must be insane
To go skating on your name
And by tracing it twice
I fell through the ice
Of Alice

And so a secret kiss
Brings madness with the bliss
And I will think of this
When I'm dead in my grave
Set me adrift and I'm lost over there
And I must be insane
To go skating on your name
And by tracing it twice
I fell through the ice
Of Alice
There's only Alice

Smoke a pipe and respond to each point the lecturer makes by waving it and saying, "Quite right, old bean!"

Wear X-Ray Specs. Every few minutes, ask the lecturer to focus the overhead projector.

Sit in the front and color in your textbook.

When the lecturer calls your name in roll, respond "that's my name, don't wear it out!"

Wear earmuffs. Every few minutes, ask the lecturer to speak louder.

Leave permanent markers by the dry-erase board.

Squint thoughtfully while giving the lecturer strange looks. In the middle of lecture, tell him he looks familiar and ask whether he was ever in an episode of Starsky and Hutch.

Ask whether the first chapter will be on the test. If the lecturer says no, rip the pages out of your textbook.

Sing your questions.

When the lecturer calls roll, after each name scream "THAT'S MEEEEE! Oh, no, sorry."

Page through the textbook scratching each picture and sniffing it.

Hold up a piece of paper that says in large letters "CHECK YOUR FLY".

Stare continually at the lecturer's crotch. Occassionally lick your lips.

Address the lecturer as "your excellency".

Sit in the front, sniff suspiciously, and ask the lecturer if he's been drinking.

Shout "WOW!" after every sentence of the lecture.

Ask whether you have to come to class.

Relive your school days by leaving chalk stuffed in the blackboard dusters.

Watch the lecturer through binoculars.

Start a "wave" in a large lecture hall.

When the lecturer turns on his laser pointer, scream "AAAGH! MY EYES!"

Correct the lecturer at least ten times on the pronunciation of your name, even it's Smith. Claim that the i is silent.

Sit in the front row reading the lecturer's graduate thesis and snickering.

Claim that you wrote the class text book.

Claim to be the teaching assistant. If the real one objects, jump up and scream "IMPOSTER!"

Spend the lecture blowing kisses to other students.

Every few minutes, take a sheet of notebook paper, write "Signup Sheet #5" at the top, and start passing it around the room.

Stand to ask questions. Bow deeply before taking your seat after the lecturer answers.

Interrupt every few minutes to ask the lecturer, "Can you spell that?"

Wink at the lecturer every few minutes.

In the middle of lecture, ask your lecturer whether he believes in ghosts.

Laugh heartily at everything the lecturer says. Snort when you laugh.