UK filmmaker Nick Love doesn’t like to analyse the cunt out of things. He says as much to actor Danny Dyer during a Q&A for their new film, Outlaw.

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It’s a poor film. Just like Nick Love’s other outings (The Football Factory - ode to hooliganism; The Business - childlike apology for organised crime) it is heavy on violence, scant on realism, rammed with cockney drivel and really, really boring.

However, the promotional website is a different story.

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The jewel in the site’s crown, though, is Part I of Danny Dyer and Nick Love’s Q&A (in the ‘video download’ section).

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As a comic double act the pair effortlessly eclipse anything either will ever commit to celluloid. Nick Love’s condescending father-son rapport with Danny Dyer, the pair’s dazzling command of cockney and the most deadpan delivery of lines, the content of which oscillates repeatedly between self-effacement, braggadocio, bigotry and moments of comic genius - it is hilarious and genuinely captivating. One particular exchange, though, sums up their partnership better than any description. It’s worth transcribing in full:

LOVE: Point is, I’ve read a lot of things on the internet saying you and me doing those things [the DVD commentary for a previous film] is the most disgusting thing they’ve ever seen, and you shouldn’t be an actor and I shouldn’t be a film director. Truth’s out there son.
DYER: [Nodding] Nice... [Suddenly angry] That’s not the truth though, that’s a load of bollocks! Some skinny... fucking horrible cunt sitting there with nothing to do all day.
LOVE: You can’t tell whether they’re skinny or not.
DYER: Alright - fat cunt.
LOVE: Well, just a cunt.
DYER: Yeah, an out-and-out cunt. Taking a dig at us. What the fuck we’ve done wrong just trying to earn a pound note.
LOVE: All we’re trying to do is go to work, it’s like being a skip loader.
DYER: I got fucking kids you know. I thought we was funny as fuck as well.
LOVE: Well you know I mean - again...
DYER: Talking about me Nan’s bangers and things. It should be me who’s disgusted. But I’m happy to talk about me Nan’s bangers all day long.
LOVE: That’s right.
DYER: No-one wants to hear about them.
LOVE: Comparing Danny’s Nan’s tits to Kate Moss.
DYER: Yeah.
LOVE: Not Kate Moss’ tits cos she ain’t got none.
DYER: Yeah she’s lillless.
LOVE: Not a lill about her... [pensive] Not a fucking lill in sight.
DYER: [Barely audible] Good nipples .
LOVE: God lot, good boat, but niche the bristol, niche the bristol.
DYER: [Re-grouping] Whereas me Nan, you know, 77-
LOVE: 77 years old not a, a [hilarious gesture towards his own face] a kind boat but not a boat like Kate Moss. But an un-believable pair of carpets. An UNBELIEVABLE pair of car- And I should know I’ve seen the cunts. She had ‘em out.
DYER:Yeah she did whip em out didn’t she?
LOVE: I said to her ‘Doll, show us your tits’ and she just went ‘Ere boy, [flops out imaginary breasts] crack! And have a Lambert and Butler you cunt.’ ...That’s his nan.
DYER: I’m proud of her.
LOVE: Straight goer.

"A duck which became famous after being born with four legs has lost one of its extra limbs after getting caught in a pen. However, the accident has led to a positive outcome for Stumpy, now it can roam the farm with the other ducks because it is no longer at risk of being caught in hedges, which could have put its life in danger."

Dear School of English,

Oh. Mein. Gott. Quixote is pronounced "Key-ho-tee", not "Kwiks-oat". For fook's sake.

Oh, and good baby Jaysis, it's "Don Hwan" not "Don" fooking "Dwan". Honest to Betsy.

Best Regards,

Andrew Hayden