The Genius of Peter Kay

1. I saw a fat woman wearing a sweatshirt with "Guess" on
it. I said "Thyroid problem?"

2. When I was a kid I used to pray every night for a new
bike. Then I realised that The Lord doesn't work that
way, so I stole one and asked him to forgive me.

3. I've often wanted to drown my troubles, but I can't get
my wife to go swimming.

4. I was doing some decorating, so I got out my stepladder.
I don't get on with my real ladder.

5. Well I was bullied at school, called all kinds of
different names. But on day I turned to my bullies and said,
"sticks and stones may break my bones but words will never hurt me", and it worked! From then on it was sticks and stones all the way.

6. Sex is like a game of bridge: If you don't have a good
partner, you'd better have a good hand.

7. I saw 6 men kicking and punching my mother-in-law. My
neighbour said "are you going to help?" I said, "No, 6 should be
enough."


Peter Kay's Questions...

1. Why does your gynaecologist leave the room when you get
undressed?

2. Why cant women put mascara on with their mouth closed?

3. Why is it called Alcoholics Anonymous when the first
thing you do is stand up and say, "My name is Bob and I'm an alcoholic"?

4. Why is there a light in the fridge and not in the
freezer?

5. Why does mineral water that has "trickled through the
mountains for centuries" have a use by date?

6. Why do toasters always have a setting that burns the
toast to horrible crisp that no one would eat?

7. Who was the first person to look at a cow and say, "I
think I'll squeeze these dangly things here and drink whatever
comes out"?

8. What to people in China call their good plates?

9. Why do people point to their wrist when asking for the time, but don't point to their crotch when they ask where the
bathroom is?

10. If quizzes are quizzical, what are tests?

11. Why is it that when someone tells you that there are
over a billion stars in the universe, you believe them, but if they
tell you there is wet paint somewhere, you have to touch it to make sure?

12. Did you ever notice that when you blow into a dogs face,
he gets mad at you but when you take him out on a car ride; he
sticks his head out of the window?


Peter Kay's Universal Truths:

1. Triangular sandwiches taste better than square ones.

2. At the end of every party there's always a girl crying.

3. You're never quite sure whether it's ok to eat green
crisps.

4. Everyone who grew up in the 80's has entered the digits
55378008 into a calculator.

5. Reading when you're drunk is horrible.

6. No-body ever dares to make a cup-a-soup in a bowl.

7. You never know where to look when you're eating a
banana.

8. Rummaging in an overgrown garden will always turn up a bouncy ball.

9. Everyone always remembers the day a dog ran into your
school.

10. The most embarrassing thing you can do as a schoolchild
is to call your teacher mum or dad.

11. Every bloke at some stage while taking a pee has flushed
half way through and raced against the flush.

12. It's impossible to look cool while picking up a Frisbee.

13. You never run out of salt.

14. There's no panic like the panic you momentarily feel
when you've got your head or hand stuck in something.

15. Despite constant warning you have never met anyone who
has had their arm broken by a swan

16. The most painful household incident is wearing socks and
stepping on an upturned plug.

17. People who don't drive slam car doors too hard.

18. Everyone has had an uncle who tried to steal their nose.

1. Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things.

2. One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor.

3. Atheism is a non-prophet organization.

4. If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkeys and apes?

5. The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live.

6. I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, "Where's the self-help section?" She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.

7. Could it be that all those trick-or-treaters wearing sheets aren't going as ghosts but as mattresses?

8. If a mute swears, does his mother wash his hands with soap?

9. If a man is standing in the middle of the forest speaking and there is no woman around to hear him...is he still wrong?

10. If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it considered a hostage situation?

11. Is there another word for synonym?

12. Isn't it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do "practice?"

13. Where do forest rangers go to "get away from it all?"

14. What do you do when you see an endangered animal eating an endangered plant?

15. If a parsley farmer is sued, can they garnish his wages?

16. Would a fly without wings be called a walk?

17. Why do they lock gas station bathrooms? Are they afraid someone will clean them?

18. If a turtle doesn't have a shell, is he homeless or naked?

19. Why don't sheep shrink when it rains?

20. Can vegetarians eat animal crackers?

21. If the police arrest a mime, do they tell him he has the right to remain silent?

22. Why do they put Braille on the drive-through bank machines?

23. How do they get the deer to cross at that yellow road sign?

24. Is it true that cannibals don't eat clowns because they taste funny?

25. What was the best thing before sliced bread?

26. One nice thing about egotists: they don't talk about other people.

27. To be intoxicated is to feel sophisticated, but not be able to say it.

28. Never underestimate the power of stupid people in large groups.

29. The older you get, the better you realize you were.

30. Age is a very high price to pay for maturity.

31. Procrastination is the art of keeping up with yesterday.

32. Women like silent men, they think they're listening.

33. Men are from Earth, women are from Earth. Deal with it.

34. Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.

35. Do pediatricians play miniature golf on Wednesdays?

36. Before they invented drawing boards, what did they go back to?

37. Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?

38. If all the world is a stage, where is the audience sitting?

39. If God dropped acid, would he see people?

40. If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest have to drown too?

41. If the #2 pencil is the most popular, why is it still #2?

42. If work is so terrific, how come they have to pay you to do it?

43. If you ate pasta and anti-pasta, would you still be hungry?

44. If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?

45. Why is it called tourist season if we can't shoot at them?

555 0001 – Simon Peter Gruber in Die Hard 3/ Mr Burns in the Simpsons
555 0070 – Private Eye Mike Church in Dead Again
555 0118 – The Hannibal Lecter Hotline in Hannibal
555 0113 – Dana Scully’s Cellphone in the X Files movie
555 0132 – Rodgers Transportation in the Fast and the Furious
555 0134 – Marla Singer in Fight Club/ Teddy in Memento
555 0137 – Post Forensic Cleaning Service in Curdled
555 0139 – Big Ed’s Tyres in The Family Man
555 0150/555 0151 – Consumer Recreation Services in The Game
555 0156 – City Boarding in The Matrix
555 0185 – Gator’s in The Gift
555 0199 – Lester Burnham in American Beauty/ The Pistone Household in Donnie Brasco/ Lowell Bergman in The Insider/ J Lyman ‘Bruiser’ Stone in The Rainmaker.
555 0235 - Lost Cat in Apt Pupil
555 0342 – Beetroot McKinley in Twins
555 0933 – Emergency Psychic Services in One Night at McCool’s
555 1099 – 5 Lakes Trucking in Reindeer Games
555 1111 – Radio Station WMYL in Frankie and Johnny
555 1134 – Miranda Hillard in Mrs Doubtfire
555 1226 – Nick Marshall in What Women Want
555 1287 – Boogie Lowenstein in Ten Things I Hate About You
555 1300 – Simply Elegant Flowers and Dreams in Sabrina
555 1316 – St Martin In The Fields Rectory in Ransom
555 1342 – Lloyd Dobler in Say Anything
555 1534 – Project Mayhem HQ in Fight Club
555 1639 – Tiki Motel in The Terminator
555 2131 – KAB Radio in The Fog
555 2368 – The Ghostbusters
555 2463 – Joey LaMotta in Raging Bull
KL5 3089 – Mario Brothers Plumbing in Super Mario Brothers
555 3600 – Special Agent Pat McClune in The Spanish Prisoner
555 3713 – Post Haste Dispatch in Romeo and Juliet
555 3970 – The Cetation Institute in Star Trek IV: The Voyage Home
555 4329 – Chip Douglas in The Cable Guy
555 4385 – Emmett ‘Doc’ Brown in Back To The Future
555 5633 – Worcester Sauce Emergency Hotline in South Park
555 6302 – Frederica Bimmel in The Silence of The Lambs
555 6321 – Jane Butterfield Realty in Beetlejuice
555 7000 – Murph and the Magictones in The Blues Brothers.
555 7583 – Rachael in Bladerunner
555 7892/555 7908 – Monster Joe’s Auto Dismantling in Pulp Fiction
555 8129 – Dan Gallagher in Fatal Attraction
555 9130 – The Bates Motel in Psycho III
555 9175 – Tech Noir NiteClub Payphone in The Terminator
555 HAIR – Morrie’s Wig Shop in Goodfellas