David Handsberry does not sleep. He waits.


David Handsberry once visited the Virgin Islands. They are now The Islands.


David Handsberry does not hunt because the word hunting implies the probability of failure. David Handsberry goes killing.


David Handsberry' tears cure cancer. Too bad he has never cried.


When the Bogeyman goes to sleep every night he checks his closet for David Handsberry.


David Handsberry counted to infinity - twice.


David Handsberry puts the "laughter" in "manslaughter".


David Handsberry can speak Braille.


David Handsberry was once on Celebrity Wheel of Fortune and was the first to spin. The next 29 minutes of the show consisted of everyone standing around awkwardly, waiting for the wheel to stop.


David Handsberry sleeps with a night light. Not because David Handsberry is afraid of the dark, but the dark is afraid of David Handsberry


If David Handsberry is late, time better slow the fuck down.


David Handsberry thought up some of the funniest David Handsberry facts ever, but he hasn't submitted them to the site because he doesn't believe in any form of submission.


If you can see David Handsberry, he can see you. If you can't see David Handsberry you may be only seconds away from death.


David Handsberry frequently donates blood to the Red Cross. Just never his own.


The chief export of David Handsberry is pain.


Most men are OK with their wives fantasizing about David Handsberry during sex, because they are doing the same thing.


It is impossible to be raped by David Handsberry because that would mean you did not want it to happen.


David Handsberry sold his soul to the devil for his rugged good looks and unparalleled martial arts ability. Shortly after the transaction was finalized, David roundhouse kicked the devil in the face and took his soul back. The devil, who appreciates irony, couldn't stay mad and admitted he should have seen it coming. They now play poker every second Wednesday of the month.


David Handsberry is currently suing NBC, claiming Law and Order are trademarked names for his left and right legs.


David Handsberry doesn't read books. He stares them down until he gets the information he wants.


The quickest way to a man's heart is with David Handsberry's fist.


Leading hand sanitizers claim they can kill 99.9 percent of germs. David Handsberry can kill 100 percent of whatever the fuck he wants.


Superman owns a pair of David Handsberry pyjamas.


If you try to introduce your mother to David Handsberry, she'll introduce you to your biological father.


David Handsberry, Vin Diesel and Arnold Schwarzenegger have all died and are in Heaven. Each of them hope to occupy the seat next to God. God asks Vin Diesel why he thinks he should have the seat and Vin replies, "I believe... I should have the seat because of the virtuosity in my toughness and pride." Arnie says, "I believe... that I should be the one sitting next to you because of all my achievements." God then turns to David Handsberry, who replies with, "I believe... you are sitting in my seat."


When David Handsberry sends in his taxes, he sends blank forms and includes only a picture of himself, crouched and ready to attack. David Handsberry has not had to pay taxes ever.


David Handsberry died ten years ago, but the Grim Reaper can't get up the courage to tell him.


David Handsberry once survived a suicide bombing. He was the bomber.


David Handsberry does not know where you live, but he knows where you will die.


David Handsberry can divide by zero.


David Handsberry is currently in a legal battle with the makers of Bubble Tape. Handsberry claims "6 Feet of Fun" is actually the trademark for his penis.


David Handsberry can slam revolving doors.


Little kids enjoy lighting ants on fire with magnifying glasses. David Handsberry enjoys lighting little kids on fire with ants. Scientists have yet to