Top reasons to become a nurse:
1 Pays better than fast food, though the hours aren’t as good.
2 Fashionable shoes and sexy white uniforms.
3 Needles: ‘Tis better to give than receive’.
4 Reassure your patients that all bleeding stops……………eventually.
5 Interesting aromas.
6 Courteous and infallible doctors who always leave clear orders in perfectly legible handwriting.
7 Do enough charting to navigate around the world.
8 Celebrate all the holidays with your friends – at work.
9 Take comfort that most of your patients survive no matter what you do to them.

You know you’re a nurse if……..
You believe every patient needs TLC: Temazepam, Lorazepam and Clonazepam.
You would like to meet the inventor of the buzzer in a dark alley one night.
You believe not all patients are annoying…some are unconscious.
Your sense of humour gets more “warped” each year.
You know the phone numbers of every late night take-away shop in town that delivers.
You can only tell time with a 24 hour clock.
When asked, “What colour is the patient’s diarrhoea?”, you can show them your shoes.
Every time you walk, you make a rattling noise because of all the scissors and clamps in your pockets.
You can tell the pharmacist more about the medicines he is dispensing than he can.
You carry “spare” medicines in your pocket rather than wait for the pharmacy to deliver.
You refuse to watch ER because it’s too much like the real thing and triggers “flash backs”.
You check the caller ID when the phone rings on your day-off to see if someone from the hospital is trying to call to ask you to work.
You’ve been telling work stories in a restaurant and someone at the next table throws up.
You notice that you use more 4 letter words now than before you became a nurse.
Every time someone asks you for a pen, you can find at least 3 of them on you.
You can intubate your friends at parties.
You don’t get excited about blood loss……unless it’s your own.
You live by the moto, “To be right is only half the battle, to convince the physician is more difficult.”
You’ve basted your roast chicken with a bladder syringe.
You’ve told a confused patient your name was that of your colleague and to call if they need help.
Eating microwave popcorn out of a clean bedpan is perfectly natural.
Your bladder can expand to the same size as a wine cask.
When checking the level of orientation of a patient, you aren’t sure of the answer.
You find yourself checking out other customer’s arm veins in the shopping market queue.
You can sleep soundly at the hospital cafeteria during dinner break, sitting up and not be embarrassed when you wake up.
You avoid unhealthy looking shoppers in the shopping centre for fear that they’ll drop near you and you’ll have to do CPR on your day off.

You know you’ve been a nurse too long when:
Discussing dismemberment over a meal seems perfectly normal.
You believe in aerosol spraying of Prozac.
You believe that “shallow gene pool” should be a diagnosis.
You believe that chocolate is a food group.
You believe that the government should issue permits to allow reproducing.
You believe that unspeakable evil will befall you if someone should say ‘it’s quiet in here today.’
You admire a stranger’s veins.
You have referred to someone’s death as a transfer to the ‘Eternal Care Unit’.
You don’t think a consult with Dr Kavorkian is inappropriate.
You have had to leave a patient’s room before breaking into controllable laughter.
When requesting bloods, you have wanted to order a’faeces on the brain’ profile.
You encourage an obnoxious patient to sign themselves out against medical advice.
You can calculate the “tooth to tattoo ratio” without a calculator.
You have ever bet on someone’s blood alcohol level.
You have used your status to get out of a speeding ticket.
You’ve called in sick on a full moon.
You’ve got voodoo do

1.Vodka is always Stiff and wont go floppy!

2. Your Vodka wont look any smaller in the cold!

3. Vodka lasts as long as you want it to!

4. Vodka doesnt prod you in the back in the mornings demanding attention!

5. Vodka wouldnt rather have Jordan getting her lips around it than you!

6. You don't care how far down your throat Vodka goes!

7. You can have as many Vodkas as you like on a night out, and no-one will accuse you of being easy!

8. You can enjoy a Vodka in front of your Ma!

9. Vodka doesnt need tons of chocolate body paint to make it taste remotely alrite!

10. VODKA is ALWAYS a PLEASURE to SWALLOW!!

1) NOT KISSING FIRST.
Avoiding her lips and diving straight for the erogenous zones makes her
feel like you're paying by the hour and trying to get your money's worth by
cutting out nonessentials. A proper passionate kiss is the ultimate form of
foreplay.

2) BLOWING TOO HARD IN HER EAR.
Admit it, some kid at school told you girls love this. Well, there's a
difference between being erotic and blowing as if you're trying to extinguish
the candles on your 50th birthday cake. That hurts.

3) NOT SHAVING.
You often forget you have a porcupine strapped to your chin which you rake
repeatedly across your partner's face and thighs. When she turns her head
from side to side, it's not passion, it's avoidance.

4) SQUEEZING HER BREAST.
Most men act like a housewife testing a melon for ripeness when they get
their hand on a pair. Stroke, caress, and smooth them.

5) BITING HER NIPPLES.
Why do men fasten onto a woman's nipples, then clamp down like they're
trying to deflate her body via her breasts? Nipples are highly sensitive.
They can't stand up to chewing. Lick and suck them gently. Flicking your
tongue across them is good. Pretending they're a dogie toy isn't.

6) TWIDDLING HER NIPPLES.
Stop doing that thing where you twiddle the nipples between finger and
thumb like you're trying to find a radio station in a hilly area. Focus on
the whole breasts, not just the exclamation points.

7) IGNORING THE OTHER PARTS OF HER BODY.
A woman is not a highway with just three turnoffs: Breastville East and
West, and the Midtown Tunnel. There are vast areas of her body which you've
ignored far too often as you go bombing straight into downtown Vagina. So
start paying them some attention.

GETTING THE HAND TRAPPED.
Poor manual dexterity in the underskirt region can result in tangled
fingers and underpants. If you're going to be that aggressive, just ask her
to take the damn things off.

9) LEAVING HER A LITTLE PRESENT.
Condom disposal is the man's responsibility. You wore it, you store it.

10) ATTACKING THE CLITORIS.
Direct pressure is very unpleasant, so gently rotate your fingers along
side of the clitoris.

11) STOPPING FOR A BREAK.
Women, unlike men, don't pick up where they left off. If you stop, they
plummet back to square one very fast. If you can tell she's not there, keep
going at all costs, numb jaw or not.

12) UNDRESSING HER AWKWARDLY.
Women hate looking stupid, but stupid she will look when naked at the
waist with a sweater stuck over her head. Unwrap her like an elegant present,
not a kid's toy.

13) GIVING HER A WEDGIE DURING FOREPLAY.
Stroking her gently through her panties can be very sexy. Pulling the
material up between her thighs and yanking it back and forth is not.

14) BEING OBSESSED WITH THE VAGINA.
Although most men can find the clitoris without maps, they still believe
that the vagina is where it's all at. No sooner is your hand down there than
you're trying to stuff stolen banknotes up a chimney. This is okay in
principle, but if you're not careful, it can hurt - so don't get carried
away. It's best to pay more attention to her clitoris and the exterior of her
vagina at first, then gently slip a finger inside her and see if she likes
it.

15) MASSAGING TOO ROUGHLY.
You're attempting to give her a sensual, relaxing massage to get her in
the mood. Hands and fingertips are okay; elbows and knees are not.

16) UNDRESSING PREMATURELY.
Don't force the issue by stripping before she's at least made some move
toward getting your stuff off, even if it's just undoing a couple of buttons.

17) TAKING YOUR PANTS OFF FIRST.
A man in socks and underpants is a at his worst. Lose the socks fist.

1 GOING TOO FAST.
When you get to the penis-in-vagina situation, the worst thing you can do
is pump away like an industrial power tool - she'll soon feel like an
assembly-line worker made obsolete by your technology. Build up slowly, with
clean, straight,