1. when she asks how she looks shrug and say "could be better" this will keep her on her toes. and girls love that.

2. never hold her hand. this can be interpreted as a sign of weakness. (or if she grabs your hand squeeze hers really really hard until she cries. this will impress her by showing her what a strong man you are.)

3. once a month sneak up on her from behind and knock her over. girls are like dogs. they love to be roughed up.

4. call her in the middle of the night to ask if she's sleeping. if she is say you better be , repeat this 4 or 5 times until morning. this will show her you care.

5. when she is upset about something, suggest to her that it might be her fault. this will pave the way for her own personal improvement. and every girl needs some improvement.

6. recognize the small things . . . they usually mean the most. then when she's sleeping, steal all her small things and break them. because jewellery is for pussies and asian ladies.

7. if youre talking to another girl, make sure shes looking. When she is, stare into her eyes mouth the words Fuck You and grab the other girls ass. Girls love competition.

8. tell her you're taking her out to dinner. drive for miles so she thinks it's going to be really special. then take her to a burning tire yard. when she starts to get upset tell her you were just kidding and now you're really going to take her to dinner. then drive her home. when she starts crying and asks why you would do something like that lean over and whisper very quietly into her ear "...because i can."

9. introduce her to your friends as "some chick". women love those special nicknames.

10. play with her hair. play with it HARD.

11. warm her up when shes cold...and not by giving her your jacket... then you might get cold. rather, look her in the eye and say "if you don't stop bitching about the cold right now you're going to be bitching about a black eye." the best way to get warm is with fear.

12. Take her to a party. When you get there shell have to go to the bathroom (they always do). Leave immediately. Come back right when the partys dying and yell at her the whole way home for ditching you at the party.

13. make her laugh. a good way to do this is if she has a small pet. kick the pet. i always find stuff like that funny. why shouldn't girls?

14. let her fall asleep in your arms. when she's fast asleep, wait 10 minutes then JUMP UP AND SCREAM IN HER EAR! repeat until she goes home and you can use your arms for more important things. like basketball.

15. Spit often. I hear girls like guys that spit.

16. if you care about her never ever tell her. this will only give her self confidence. then you can never turn her into the object she deep down desires to be.

17. Every time youre in her house steal one of the following: shoes, earrings, or anything else that comes in pairs. Only take one of the pair. This way shell go crazy.

18. Take her out to dinner. Right when shes about to order interrupt and say no shes not hungry. make her watch you eat. Girls love a guy that speaks for her.

19. look her in the eyes and smile. then clock her one. girls love a spontaneous guy.

20. give her one of your t-shirts......and make sure it has your smell on it. but not a sexy aftershave smell. a bad smell. you know what i'm talking about.

21. if youre listening to music, and she asks to hear it, tell her no. this way she'll think you're mysterious.

22. remember her birthday but don't get her something. Teach her material objects arent important. The only thing thats important is that she keeps you happy. And your happiness is the greatest present she can ever get.

23. when she gives you a present, take it and tell her you love it. then next time you know she's coming over on rubbish collection day leave the bin open and have the present visibly sticking out. girls actually don't like this one that much but i think it's funny.

Throughout the ups and down of life at Buckhaven High School, an exclusive group of friends, who spent lunchtimes in the home of known member James White, decided to declare their position of power within the community.
The earliest accounts of the criminal organisation now known as the "Birdscheme Massive" are from the years of 2002-2006 in Levenmouth. They're said to have originally formed, as a guerilla group to protect themselves from the gate-crashers, A.I.D.S and ugly people, who invaded the parties of Raven Crescent some years earlier.

As the East Fifers first started coming here in large numbers in the winter months, the group brought together experience from all over the region. The Founding Fathers, brought together by Jacko in the early days of revolution, can only be described as superior elders. Only they can claim true BSM status.

Gary Stewart, Stephan Fortune, Jonathon Will, Lewis Reekie, James White.

Streaking, tram-am-po-leening, drinking games, organised operations of souvenir theft, hypocritical gate-crashing, scoopy, pranks, jokes, banter, general chaos. These are all known trademarks of the notorious Birdscheme Massive. From the summit of Largo Law to the beaches of Benidorm, no single place is left without a TOUCH of BSM molestation. Despite separation of the BSM during semesters the group regularly meet and create pandemonium in whichever town they choose to ambush whether that be Stirling, Dundee, Leven or Buckhaven. There have been a ridiculously high number of applicants to join this brotherly sect, however, all of these have been declined including 300 applications from the Young Team of Buckhaven.

Nobody can ever claim Birdscheme Massive Status without permission from the original BSM and passing the initiation tests at the legendary BSM HQ. If you like you can apply for a date to sit this initiation by contacting the BSM at the following address:
31 Raven Crescent
Buckhaven
Leven
FIFE
KY8 1ER