I haven't written a poem in quite awhile, so this one may be kinda sucky.



Untitled.

I can't even imagine going back to the life i once had.
Where i would always sit and cry.
Choking on my tears, wanting to die.
Suicidal thoughts and all of the attemptions.
Terrible habits that i did would hurt people around me.
I was never happy so i never cared.

It feels like yesterday but so long ago.
Todays' better now, and yesterday's dead.

You came into my life almost out of no where.
I never imagined being with you and how amazing it could be.
You've changed my perspective on so many things.
The way i look at the world now isn't so horrible compared to how it used to be.

Eaach day used to be like any other day.
Days when i cried.
And how i felt on the inside; i was dead.
I hated everything and everyone.
But i knew how to put on a face to make people think i was fine.

Everyone was dead to me and it felt like my heart only knew how to bleed.
Cause that's all everyone ever did to me.
Broke my heart, shattered my dreams, and crushed my insides.
Today is nothing like how it was yesterday.

You've changed me as a person.
I see myself always smiling in pictures i take.
Sometimes i smile randomlly knowing you're in my life.
And i trust you that you're never gonna leave.

When you take my hand, I'm in a whole different world.
I look around and i see nothing but you.
When i'm with you, you're all i'm fixated on.
You're all that matters to me at those moments.

You kiss my lips and i know why i'm still here.
You keep me here, wanting to go on.
You're one of the best things that's ever happend to me.
The life i once lived is gone.

I'm a whole new person now.
A person who thinks life's actually worth living.
I'd never want to leave, because i know things with you are gonna be amazing.
I don't want to miss out on anything.

You're my world and you have my heart.
i gave it to you.
Trusting that you won't tear it apart.

I never want to go back to the life i once had.
I had nothing, and i like today better.
Because i have you now,
Back then i never did.

This is just a blog entry of the things i wish i could've said to Taylor before he died. I know alot of you don't know him but he was a very close friend of mine who was killed in a car rollover on june 24th. I'm not looking for people to show sympathy for me or feel sorry for me after you read this [if anyone reads this] but its just what i wish i could've said to him.

x-x

We have been talking for almost 3 years and we've never met. In that time period you have showed me so much and have helped me through things that were hard for me or just weren't going well. Our birthdays were only just a few days apart and you never forgot mine. Everything i've ever told you about me or just anything, you always remembered every detail of it. You payed attention to me and actually listened to what i had to say and you opinionated on it or just sat there and listened to me when i just needed to let something out. You even stayed on the phone with me when i was just bitching about every possible thing.

Taylor, you were such a good person to me, a true friend and i know you still are. But in ways i feel as if i took your friendship for granted and i feel terrible. I really do, and i know that if you were still here, you'd tell me that i'm not like that, and i shouldn't feel this way. But i do. There were times on msn when you would sign on and the conversation box would pop up and there you would be saying "AMANDA!" and i'd say "TAYLOR!" but there were times when i just didn't reply back because i was doing something else or whatever. I regret that so much now because that was the last thing you ever said to me was "AMANDA!" and i didnt say anything back. I'm so sorry Taylor I really really am. You were the last person i should ever done that to, Actually you never deserved that cause you never did anything wrong.

I know you loved me, you always said you did. You asked me to be yours a few times and/or you just told me how bad you wished you could be with me. I turned you down all those times. I just hope and wish you didn't think it was because i didn't care about you or didn't like you cause that's not it. I did like you Taylor, i did but just all that we've been through and how much we've talked, it just made things weird, not in a bad or good way but it brought me closer to you, you became a brother to me. You were just always there for me when i needed anyone. Whenever i was going through shit, and i couldn't get ahold of anyone or something, i'd call you and you would always answer your phone and stay on until i felt better.

I wish i still had some of the conversations we've had but i never kept them or accidently deleted them, but it honestly didn't mean much because i thought there would always be more in the future. But then this all happend. What hurts more is that i never got to say goodbye to you, or any of this. And actually what hurts more than that is the fact that im never gonna get to meet you. We've always planned on meeting each other soon, but now its not gonna happen. You were gonna try to make it to the reunion and just stay for awhile and hangout with me. When you got your license, you were gonna come to Minnesota and see me. You were gonna try to make it to Hayti or Wallace whenever i was there. You met Jenna and i'm really happy you did. But i still just wish it could've been me. Meeting you was one of the things i really wanted to accomplish.

And no i don't really believe in the whole heaven/hell thing really but if it is real, and if its possible for you to actually look down on us all and see me crying, mourning or jsut anything like that, you know, i'm sorry. I'm sorry because i know that's not what you want me to do. A little crying you wouldn't mind because it's normal, me and you were so close. But if you were here in anyway, you'd tell me just to live my life, and not spend all my time thinking and crying over you. You'd tell me jsut to think of all the conversations we've had and all the f

Yew will not receive a reply if:

# Yewr default picture is of anything other than yewrself. If I wanted to talk to Paris Hilton or anyone in My Chemical Romance, I'd find them myself.

# Yewr name ends with "at the Disco" or is "Legend."

# Yew fucking abbreviant all yewr words. (ex. L8r, hbu, gr8, etc)

# Yew type LikE tHiS aNd ThE OnLy tHiNgS in yewr general interests are cuddling, boys, and Fall Out Boy. Boys, that also applies to yew.

# Yew can't use English. If yew say things like "lolz" "I like ur hair" "I was wondering if u could whore me" "well hit me up" "l8ter" or "damn gurl u fine holla at me". No yew illiterate fuck, I will not HOLLER AT YEW.

# Yew call me hot, sexy, ask for more pictures, and/or ask if we can meet anywhere. Stop being a creep yew sick fuck.

# Yew FEEL THE NEED TO TYPE IN ALL CAPS. Yewr keyboard has a Caps Lock button for a reason, use it.

# Yew thank me for adding yew.

# Yew are a self-proclaimed model. Just because yew and yewr friends like to take pictures of yewrselves on a weekly basis in yewr living room, backyard, bathroom, and garage.. does not mean yew are a model.

#Yew don't know when to stop hitting on me when yew know i have a boyfriend and that i'd never leave him for yer ass, give it up.

# Yew assume that by me posting this, it means I think I'm better than everyone else simply because they can't use full words. I happen to be a fan of WORDS so if yew can't USE THEM.. don't.


I will, however, reply to yew if:

# Yew can spell.

# Yew can read.

# Yew can start up a decent conversation.

# Yew are attractive (I have no reason to lie to yew).

# We share music interests.

# I think we can benefit from one another.

# Yew live in the area and seem interesting.


Thank Yew and Goodbye(:



xx
Manda