SYMPTOM: Pint appears to be crystal clear...
FAULT: It's water. Somebody is trying to sober you up.
ACTION: Punch him/her.

SYMPTOM: Don't recognise anyone, don't even recognise the room you're in.
FAULT: Don't panic - you've wandered into the wrong party.
ACTION: See if they've any free pints anyhow.

SYMPTOM: Feet cold and wet.
FAULT: Glass being held at incorrect angle.
ACTION: Rotate glass so that open end points toward ceiling.

SYMPTOM: Feet warm and wet.
FAULT: Improper bladder control.
ACTION: Stand next to nearest pet dog, complain about how house training has "gone to the dogs nowadays".

SYMPTOM: Pint appears unusually pale and tasteless.
FAULT: Glass empty.
ACTION: Get someone to get you another pint.

SYMPTOM: Opposite wall covered with fluorescent lights.
FAULT: You've fallen over backwards.
ACTION: Have yourself chained to bar counter.

SYMPTOM: Mouth contains fag-ends.
FAULT: You have fallen forward.
ACTION: See above.

SYMPTOM: Beer tastes tasteless, front of your shirt is wet.
FAULT: Mouth not open, or glass applied to wrong part of face.
ACTION: Retire to loo, practise in mirror.

SYMPTOM: Floor blurry.
FAULT: You're looking through bottom of empty glass.
ACTION: Get someone to get you another pint.

SYMPTOM: Floor moving.
FAULT: You are being carried out.
ACTION: Find out if you are being taken to another pub/party

SYMPTOM: Room seems unusually dark.
FAULT: Bar has closed, have yez no homes to go to
ACTION: Confirm home address with barman, grab taxi home.

SYMPTOM: Taxi's interior suddenly takes on colourful aspect and textures.
FAULT: Beer consumption has exceeded personal limitations.
ACTION: Cover mouth.

SYMPTOM: Everyone looks up to you and smiles.
FAULT: You are dancing on a table.
ACTION: Fall on somebody cushy-looking.

SYMPTOM: Hands hurts, nose hurts, mind unusually clear though.
FAULT: You have been in a fight.
ACTION: Apologise to everyone you see, just in case it was them.

SYMPTOM: Your singing sounds distorted.
FAULT: That lager is too weak.
ACTION: Have more drink until your voice improves.

SYMPTOM: Don't remember the words to song.
FAULT: Beer is just right.
ACTION: Play air guitar.

SYMPTOM: Ugly woman/man in your sights.
FAULT: Insufficient beer intake.
ACTION: Up dosage immediately.

SYMPTOM: Shins and toes hurt.
FAULT: You've been walking into things.
ACTION: Maintain dosage.

SYMPTOM: Squishy feeling in the hands.
FAULT: You have grabbed hold of a woman's breasts.
ACTION: Duck to avoid boyfriend's fist.

SYMPTOM: Bed is bumping around.
FAULT: Taking an ambulance ride.
ACTION: It's too late, you made complete arsehole of self.

Please come here, - C'mere I want ya.
> My runners smell, - Naful smill auf me tackies,
> Sorry I didn't quite catch that, - Oi wat ar u sayin.
> I was slightly drunk, - I was langers last nite.
> How are you ! - How's it goin sham !
> You silly person - Ya goul ya
> You really are a silly person - Ya goul bag.
> I'm afraid that I can't go for that, - I will en me ring
> Let's go out and get drunk - will we go on the batter?
> May I have a bag of chips with garlic dressing - givus a garlic
chipancheese
> You unlawful person - f*ckin' scobe
> There was quite a lot of people - there was a rake of people
> Running up the street - burnin' up the road
> Will you make love to me - gifs the ride
> Do you understand me - nowah mean man
> I will fight you - i'll claim ya
> Theres a swimming pool in the house - poolnalnit
> Please leave now - goway ou avit
> Run away now - do a legger man
> Have you got a cigarette - giz a fag boss
> Be quiet - whishtt
> Can you ride a horse - canya jock a horse
> Hello, I met you before in a pub but I can't remember your name -
How we doin Bud.....
> Sorry, I didn't quite catch that - whatru sayin.....
> How are you doing - Well, ow we gettin on
> You are a silly person - u lala
> You really are a silly person - your some lala
> Jennifer, would you come here please - Jen-Fer cmere i
> wan cha
> Lets drive up and down O'Connell Street in our Johnny Go Fast cars at
3.30am with the 1 petrol we have in the car - mon, we go cruisin'.
> If you continue to talk to me in that tone of voice I will hit you
-cape it up now and I'll bust you.
> I can't think of anything to slag you about, but your last comment
was very funny and everyone is now laughing at me - yah,

"Every two minutes, somewhere in the world a set of identical twins is born. Forget Iraq. These freakishly similar sets of people are more of a threat to the west than Saddam will ever be. Thankfully, birth rates being as they are, most of these will be born far far away in the peoples Republic of China. Thus, giving us fact 1. Most Identical Twins are Communists.

Think about it. If a set of twins were born every two minutes, shouldn't there be more of them around? Even taking into account that most of them are in Asia, there don't seem to be that many on our streets. In fact, you probably only know a couple of pairs of twins at the most. And just try and name some famous twins who don't make their living on the Nickleodeon Network. Quite clearly, the bastards are covert. Leading us to fact 2. Most Identical Twins are Spies.

"We finish each others sentences all the time!" Odds are, you've heard that one a few times. Who can finish other peoples sentences?! Jesus, that's just sinister. What could be more scary than two physically identical 'people' who finish each others sentences? Normal people don't do shit like that. Witches do, though. Fact 3. Most Identical Twins meddle in Witchcraft.

There's an urban myth doing the rounds that the parents of identical twins like to dress them in matching clothes. Certainly, the parents can be blamed for their childrens' existence, but the clothing is the childrens' own choice. Use twin-logic for a moment. If somebody has something identical to something of yours, when you steal it, you can claim it was yours all along and they won't know any different. It's so fucking obvious! Thus, fact 4. Identical Twins are Kleptomaniacs.

Finally, Dead Ringers starring Jeremy Irons portrayed the gruesome sex life of identical twin brothers. I threw out my copy of Danny the Champion of the World having seen Mr. Irons feverishly tie up a woman for sex. Identical twins like it kinky. The pornographic movie, 'sperms of endearment' would seem to confirm this. Giving us fact 5. Identical Twins are Sick Fetish Freaks "

... just found it amusing, im sure no one agrees with it