Turk: Sir, I promise you, if you offer her the job again she'll say yes. And I'll do anything, I'll pick up extra shifts, I'll volunteer - I'll volunteer at the clinic; Whatever you want!
Dr. Kelso: Ahh! I want you to kill the giant bat that's been living in my attic!
Turk: You keep Enid in the attic?

J.D.: This, this isn't like being a janitor, okay! It's not just like something everybody can do.
Janitor: Oh. So you can do my stuff, but I can't do yours?
J.D.: Yes!
Janitor: Okay, hotshot, what would you use to get a coffee stain up off a tile floor?
J.D.: I don't know... the... rough side of a sponge?
[silence]
Janitor: Dammit.

Turk: This is the reason why your headache didn't go away: That's actually pronounced analgesic, not anal-gesic. Sir, the pills go in your mouth.

Turk: How can you make love to your wife if she's at fat camp?
Dr. Kelso: The real question is: how can I make love to her when she's NOT at fat camp?

[Dr. Kelso has punctured his eardrums]
Ted: There you are, you deaf bastard! I hate you so much, every time you utter my name, I wanna stick my fist all the way down your throat and watch you slowly choke on it!
Dr. Kelso: Ted, I can hear now.
Ted: [frightened] Who's Ted?

Dr. Cox: Carla you devil I can't help but notice you love telling jokes. What was it you were saying about your coffee?
Carla: I said 'It's so good it's like crack'.
[nurses stare]
Dr. Cox: Normally you would hear crickets but they were uncomfortable about just how unfunny that was.
Carla: So what I'm not funny?
Dr. Cox: I think your very funny when your up on your high horse, you know when you stay right in your wheelhouse. Everyone is funny for something. Barbie is an emotional trainwreck, your husband sells with a cocky attitude...
Turk: Well you know I do what I do when I do what I do
Dr. Cox: Alice here sells it with a lost stare, and now that I've said Alice your picturing me as the maid from the Brady Bunch.
[flash to Cox as the maid]
Dr. Cox: Am I right?
[cut back]
Dr. Cox: Then there are people with funny names... Dr. Beardface, Dr. Mickhead, Col. Doctor, Snoop Dogg Intern...
Snoop Dogg Intern: Yo!
Dr. Cox: Sorry Snoop Dogg Resident. Laverne believes in God which is hilarious to me and Ted is the hospital sad sack.
Ted: I am?
Dr. Cox: Yes
Ted: Awwwww!
Dr. Cox: And me well, I'm funny cause I commit. C-O-M-M-I-T-T-T-T-T-T-T... T
[points pinky and makes sipping motion]
Dr. Cox: . To tell you the truth there is only one person here who is funny no matter what he says.
Dr. Kelso: Are my new boxers made of wool? Cause my weasel's gettin heat stroke.
Dr. Cox: The point is PLEASE don't tell anymore jokes.
Ted: I'm not really a sad sack?
Carla: Ted your pen exploded.
Ted: [looks at shirt] Awww! *groans even more*
[realizes ink got on his hand and now is wiped on his head]
Ted: *groans* AWWWW MAN!

Carla: Fine, you can't live with Elliot, but you're not living with us so get your crap out by Friday.
J.D.: Friday? Friday's my birthday. I've already e-vited everyone to a party at our place.
Carla: Whose place?
J.D.: Your place. Look I can't just un-e-vite everyone. I've got two e-yeses and 24 e-maybes. That's a lot of e-sponses.
Carla: Bambi, I'm gonna put my e-foot up your ass.
J.D.: It's a Mexican themed fiesta on the first anniversary of my 29th birthday. That means I'm turning thirty. Donde? 56 Walnut Drive. Cuando? Thank you for asking, ocho-thirty until upside down question mark. Sombreros at the door. Rrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrooooh!
Turk: I'll be there.
J.D.: Gracias, amigo.
[turns to Carla]
J.D.: I borrowed one of your dictionaries.

J.D.: [JD and Turk are lying on the ground] Why are we lying in the parking lot?
Turk: Your hook shot knocked you unconscious and I lied down next to you so everybody would think we were chillin'.
J.D.: Oh. Thanks S.C.B. By the way I should tell you something. I found an apartment and I'm moving out the day after tomorrow.
Turk:

And I remember sharing lips with her
The coming weeks were to be a blur
'Cause time with her is like no other
She can make a winter's day feel like the summer

And it's so, so nice to have her alone
'Cause you know I made her leave her mobile phone at home
The clocks ticking but I don't mind
Because there's no one else I'd rather share my time
And I've no idea where that day gone when
Yet I know that it's time well spent
And I've no idea where that day gone when
Yet I know that it's time well spent
So I'll sing…

'Let me take you out, ' I asked her.
Then that week couldn't go any faster
I picked her up but barely
'Cause London roads really do scare this country boy

'Cause I was in the right place
At the right time
That day we spent together
There's no where else I'd of put myself
Or had shared that day with anyone else

Right place, right time…

And I wish I knew everything there is to know about you
And I want you to see just exactly what you mean to me
And you, you think you know me, yeah
I guarantee there's a lot more to see
And you, you don't believe it's true
That if I'm dreaming that I'm dreaming of you
And I wish that I could hold your hand
Feet beneath the sand
I wish that I could drive you in my car
To kiss you on the star

'Cause I will find an answer
I will take my chance to
Fly away, yeah, I'll fly away
Just one of these
I will find an answer
One of these
I will take my chance to
Fly away, yeah, I'll fly away
Just one of these times…

Tom Felton.
HOW CUTE!!!!

Anchorman:

Veronica Corningstone: My God, what is that smell? Oh.
Brian Fantana: That's the smell of desire my lady.
Veronica Corningstone: God no, it smells like, like a used diaper... filled with... Indian food. Oh, excuse me.
Brian Fantana: You know, desire smells like that to some people
Garth Holliday: What is that? Smells like a turd covered in burnt hair.
News Station Employee: Smells like Bigfoot's dick.

Veronica Corningstone: This is pathetic.
Ron Burgundy: You're pathetic.

Brian Fantana: No, she gets a special cologne... It's called Sex Panther by Odeon. It's illegal in nine countries... Yep, it's made with bits of real panther, so you know it's good.
Ron Burgundy: It's quite pungent.
Brian Fantana: Oh yeah.
Ron Burgundy: It's a formidable scent... It stings the nostrils. In a good way.
Brian Fantana: Yep.
Ron Burgundy: Brian, I'm gonna be honest with you, that smells like pure gasoline.
Brian Fantana: They've done studies, you know. 60% of the time it works, every time.
Ron Burgundy: That doesn't make sense.

Veronica Corningstone: Oh Ron, there are literally thousands of other men that I should be with instead, but I am 72 percent sure that I love you.

Ron Burgundy: You are a smelly pirate hooker.
Veronica Corningstone: You look like a blueberry.
Ron Burgundy: Why don't you go back to your home on Whore Island?
Veronica Corningstone: Well, you have bad hair

Ron Burgundy: Last time I looked in the dictionary, my name's Ron Burgundy. What's your name?
Brian Fantana: Brian Fantana.
Champ Kind: Champ Kind.
Brick Tamland: Brian Fantana.
Brian Fantana: No, you're Brick.
Brick Tamland: Brian.
Brian Fantana: I'm Brian.
Brick Tamland: Veronica.

Ron Burgundy: [after jumping into the grizzly bear pit at the San Diego Zoo] I immediately regret this decision.

Ron Burgundy: Brick, where did you get a hand grenade?
Brick Tamland: I don't know.

Brick Tamland: I ate a big, red candle.

Veronica Corningstone: Jazz flute are for litte fairy boys!

Champ Kind: Tell me about it, this morning, I woke up and I shit a squirrel, but what I can't get is the damn thing is still alive. So now, I've got a shit covered squirrel running around my office and I don't know what to name it.
Brick Tamland: Oh, I'm sorry Champ, I think I ate your chocolate squirrel.

Brick Tamland: [riding a bear] Hey, Ron. I'm riding a furry tractor.

Brick Tamland: I'm Brick Tamland. People seem to like me because I am polite and I am rarely late. I like to eat ice cream and I really enjoy a nice pair of slacks. Years later, a doctor will tell me that I have an I.Q. of 48 and am what some people call mentally retarded.

LOLS, i LOVE Brick!


Harry Potter & the Philosopher's Stone:

Hermione: Look at you playing with your cards. Pathetic! We've got final exams coming up soon.
Ron: I'm ready! Ask me any question.
Hermione: All right, what's the three most crucial ingredients in a Forgetfulness Potion?
Ron: I forgot.
Hermione: And what may I ask do you plan to do if this comes up in the final exam?
Ron: Copy off you?
Hermione: No, you won't! Besides, according to Professor McGonagall, we're to be given special quills bewitched with an anti-cheating spell.
Ron: That's insulting! It's as if they don't trust us!

Ron: [refers to Hermione] I think we've been a bad influence on her.

Ron: Mental that one, I'm telling you.

Professor McGonagall: And to ensure it doesn't happen again... all four of you will receive detention.
Draco Malfoy: [smirk suddenly fades and steps up] Excuse me, professor, perhaps I heard you wrong. I thought you said the four of us.
Professor McGonagall: No, you heard me correctly, Mr. Malfoy. You see, honorable as your intentions were, you too were out of bed after hours... You will join your classmates in detention. bahahaha.


Harry Potter & the Chamber of Secrets:

Draco Malfoy: [to Harry, disguised as Goyle] Why are