Old man on the train: “You know you’re in Scotland by the small windows on the houses.”

Kyle: “i am fat and ugly!”
[Richard ignores him]
Kyle: “i am fat and ugly!”
[Richard jumps out of the way]

Me: “That guy has really skinny legs and big feet… He looks like a cartoon character.”

Kyle [after writing ‘LOL’ and ‘FAG’ on my legs]: “i am fat and ugly!”

Kyle’s mum: “my son is fat and ugly.”
Richard: “Hypothetically, if one of your son's friends came to watch you dance, would you still speak to them afterwards?”
Kyle’s mum: “my son is fat and ugly.”
Richard: “I said hypothetically!”

Kyle [to me]: “i am fat and ugly”
[Ten minutes later]
Kyle: “i am fat and ugly?”

Me: “I haven’t got the tits to wear a low-cut top.”
Kyle: “i am fat and ugly.”

Kyle: “i am fat and ugly?”
Andreas: “Actually, we just followed Chris. He’s scared of his own shadow.”

Kyle [wearing only a Wetherspoon’s kitchen apron]: “i am fat and ugly.”

Richard: “Where am I?”
Us: “Auldearn.”
Richard: “I’m not in Nairn?”
Us: “No, we took a taxi here last night.”
Richard: “I don’t remember that!”

[As I eat fried chicken from the chippy in Nairn]
Kyle: “i am fat and ugly.”

Me: “They seem to be sexually assaulting an inflatable doll with an Irn-Bru bottle.”

Kyle: “i am fat and ugly.”
[He drops his drink in the stairwell]
Me: “Fail.”

Tom: “Sorry if I interrupt your session later.”
Me: “Don’t worry about interrupting it, it won’t last very long.”
Kyle: “i am fat and ugly”

Kyle: “apparently i am fat and ugly.”
Me: “What do you mean, ‘apparently’? You read them!”

Fraser: “All right, Kyle?”
Me: “I don’t think he’s feeling too well. I had to fetch him a sick bowl.”

[Choosing a birthday card for Richard]
Kyle: “i am fat and ugly”

[When Richard sees that Kyle’s mum signed said card with “Love, Annie”]
Richard: “I love you too.”

Me [to Richard]: “Why is it that whenever I see you, you always end up with something on your trousers?”

Gerard: “You don’t live in a mental hospital, you live in a mental hotel!”

Kyle’s mum: “Put on a pair of gay shoes, Kyle.”
Kyle: “but i am fat and ugly”

Richard: “You can only catch tapeworms from pork if it’s half-cooked. It’s fine if it’s raw. I don’t eat cooked meat.”

Kyle: “i am fat and ugly”
Me: “Boring. All I saw was underwear!”

[When my mother sees my life-size cardboard cutout of David Tennant]
My mother: “Okay… I would’ve preferred John Barrowman, but there you go.”

Matt [upon seeing David Tennant]: “He scares me. I always think there’s someone on the landing when I see him.”
Me: “You’re scared of butterflies, though.”

Matt: “Your dog’s been beating me up!”
Me: “What, Russell? The dog wearing a stripy pink Bagpuss sock because he has a gammy leg?”

Matt: “I told them they’d get absolutely stabbed.”
Me: “What, they wouldn't just get a little bit stabbed then?”

Me: “Kyle's really fat and ugly.”

Michael: “I do hope you would’ve called the baby Adric.”
Me: “Even if it was a girl?”
Michael: “If it was a girl, it’d have to be The Rani. With the ‘The’.”

My father: “…Despite my follibles.”
Me: “Don’t you mean foibles?”
My father: “Yes, those.”
Me [pointing at my mother]: “You’re getting as bad as her.”

Me: “The floor is so sticky that I’m having to add extra thrust every time I jump just to unstick myself from it.”

Me: “I wonder where the nice hat guy has gone?”
Kelly: “Do you know his actual name?”
Me: “No.”

Kelly: “You’re like a human hot water bottle.”

Me: “Will you sign my leg, please?”
MC Cripz: “Who’s got a pen? Quick, it’s urgent!”

Me [on Kelly’s lurid blue drink]: “That looks like brain juice.”

Me: “Madam?”
Kelly: “I’ll ‘madam’ you with a baseball bat in a minute!”

Michael: “My best friend’s a bit prejudiced against white girls.”
Me: “He’s Asian, right? Well, you know what they say about Asians… He’s probably trying to compensate for that.”

Me: “Don’t buy a mug.”
Amy: “Why?”
Me [emphatically]: “Don’t buy a mug.”
Amy: “Oh, I see.”
Michael. “Why does repeating it make a difference?”

[Looking out for white vans on the motorway]
Me: “White van man at eleven o’ clock.”
Michael: “More like half eleven, really.”
Me: “Shut up, Michael.”

Amy: “You will direct me, right?”
Me: “Yeah, as soon as I know where I am.”

Frozen yoghurt server [on my cat ears]: “Are those real?”

Me: “So who are you?”
Kirsty: “I’m wearing a hat.”
Me: “Yes, I can see that, but who are you in terms of Alice in Wonderland?”
Kirsty: “I’m wearing a hat.”

Me: “You’re not supposed to jump on us now! We’re not even kissing!”

Kelly [referring to me and Cody]: “So the cat fell in love with the mouse.”

Ajay: “She’s sucking her tit!”

Chavs on bikes: “Dirty dykes!”
[I get up, grab a bottle of cream soda, and run after them]
Me: “You’re just jealous, you can’t get girls because your balls haven’t dropped yet!”

Me: “They’ve been going out for about two years, and I’m pretty sure she hasn’t even touched his boaby yet.”

Kelly: “People are staring at us. You know how sometimes when people stare at you, they pretend to look away when you catch them? These people aren’t even bothering to do that.”

Me: “I’m really cold. I need a jumper… Looks like I’ll have to stop off at Primark on the way home and buy a cheap one.”
[We go round a corner and see a jacket hanging on a fence]
Me: “Hey, I’ll take that one!”

Kelly’s dad: “How can you stand that girl? She’s gormless.”
Me: “Aye, but she agrees with everything I say.”

Michael: “So you’ll FedEx me Zack, but you wouldn’t FedEx me ice cream cake two years ago?”

Alex [to Jack Dyson]: “You are my Dyson, my special Dyson…”
Me: “You make it sound like you’re serenading a vacuum cleaner.”

Jonathan: “I reckon council tax just pays for air.”

Me: “The toilets in Westfield flush themselves, it’s weird.”
Jonathan: “One time, I was using a toilet like that and it flushed while I was still on it. It was like being raped by a snowman. It was the most uncomfortable experience of my life.”

Me: “It’s not like your parents are going to strip-search you.”
Jonathan: “Not today, anyway.”

My father: “Stay at the solicitor’s until I get there.”
My mother: “I won’t bulge.”

Me: “So the dye in blue M&Ms could make you autistic or hyperactive, but at least you won’t have a bad back as well.”

Me: “My intention wasn’t to produce wanking material for the masses!”
Chris: “Can you do it just for me?”

Me: “Don’t worry, my parents won’t blame you [for giving me the idea to order tit tape off Amazon with my dad’s credit card]. If they even care.”
Matt: “They will. Then they’ll beat us both up.”
Me: “Do you see my mum beating anyone up?”
Matt: “Yeah. I can see her brandishing a knife menacingly, at any rate.”

Random train guy: “If you’re fluent in French, what does ‘bonnet de douche’ mean?”
Me: “Shower cap, why?”
Random train guy: “I’ve been saying it for five years without knowing that.”

Amy: “I think I’m getting the hang of your oven!”
[The dial on the oven falls off in her hand]

My mother: “I hope it’s sunny on Old Compton Street.”
Me: “I don’t know about sunshine, but there’s always rainbows on Old Compton Street…”

Me: “I inherited my father’s sense of humour, apparently.”
Tom: “What, callous?”

My mother: “They’re arriving in their drones- wait, is that the right expression?”

Zack [holding a frog]: “If I kiss him, will he turn into Hayley Williams?”

Me: “You could call them ‘Pol Pot Noodles: Dictator Flavour. Now With Badder Taste!’ or something.”

Zack: “I’ll get some condoms so that we can get into Toko for free.”
Me: “Or we could consummate our marriage using them.”

Aaron: “I dare you to go and chat up that old man in the corner.”
Me: “Not in this dress, darling.”

Chris: “I know! We should get a birthday card with a badge saying ‘19 today’ on it, one of us could wear it, then they wouldn’t ID us!”
Me: “That won’t work. I went to a pub on my birthday with a badge like that, and they still asked me for ID.”

Me: “My whole family has OCD: my dad’s obsessive, my mum’s compulsive, and I’m disordered.”

Matthew: “Bournville responded to my tweet last night.”
Me: “That was sweet of them.”

My mother [to the dog]: “There ain’t nothing there!”
Me: “What kind of English is that?”
My mother: “He’s a dog, he doesn’t care.”
Me: “You’re the one who told me off when I told him to piss off!”

Man in Ventnor: “I’m as deaf as a dodo.”

Nela: “When I’m sober, I ramble to people I know, but when I’m drunk, I ramble to people I don’t know. I just say any random shit that comes into my head. Actually, I’m doing it now… I’ll shut up.”

Ian: “Luke’s the most ironic student ever: he’s doing Economics, and he’s already a grand in debt.”

Zack’s dad: “Who wants Jelly Babies?”
Luke: “Ooh, Belly Jabies! I eat them feet-first so that they feel more pain.”
Me: “I bite off their heads first. It's my French side coming through.”

Jack: “I refuse to believe that I started punching Chris in my sleep.”

Me [tagging photos]: “Whose arse is this?”

Me: “He's a virgin.”
Amy: “That's an interesting development.”
Me: “It's the opposite of a development, really.”

Me: “Kyle and I are on a break.”
Paul: “I’m sorry for his loss.”

Me: “These days, I'm little more than a cuddle dispenser.”

Me: “He’s a full-blown faggot now.”
Amy: “You can’t say that on the train!”
Me: “Why not? I like the alliteration.”

Amy: “She’s like one of those women who has, like, eighteen children and can still immediately tell if one’s missing.”

Church sign in Bromley: “Come And Join With Us.”
Me: “Anyone fancy splicing bodies with a Christian?”