"You can hardly tell where the computer models finish and the real dinosaurs begin." - Laura Dern, actoress, about the special effects in the movie Jurassic Park.

"The world is more like it is now then it ever has before." - Dwight Eisenhower, 34th President of the United States.

"Is this chicken, what I have, or is this fish? I know it's tuna, but it says 'Chicken by the Sea.'" - Jessica Simpson

"I'm not Jacko, I'm Jackson... 'Wacko Jacko' - Where did that come from? Some English tabloid. I have a heart and I have feelings. I feel that when you do that to me, it's not nice." - Michael Jackson

"A proof is a proof. What kind of proof? It's a proof. A proof is proof. And when you have a good proof, it's because it is proven." - Canadian Prime Minister Jean Chrétien

"We are sorry to announce that Mr. Albert Brown has been quite unwell, owing to his recent death, and is taking a short holiday to recover." - Parish Magazine

"The internet is a great way to get on the net." - Bob Dole, Republican presidential candidate

"Acting is easier and smoother than singing - it's less drama." - Beyonce Knowles, singer and actress.

"Cod are not very good swimmers so they are easily overtaken by trawlers and nets." - British government report on why cod fish are disappearing from the North Sea

"For most people, death comes at the end of their lives." - Radio broadcaster, UK

"Whenever I watch TV and see those poor starving kids all over the world, I can't help but cry. I mean I'd love to be skinny like that, but not with all those flies and death and stuff." - Mariah Carey

"I owe a lot to my parents, especially my mother and father." - Greg Norman, Golfer

"If only faces could talk..." - Pat Summerall, Sportscaster, during the Super Bowl

"Strangely, in slow motion replay, the ball seemed to hang in the air for even longer." - David Acfield, sports commentator

"So, where's the Cannes Film Festival being held this year?" - Christina Aguilera

"Those who survived the San Francisco earthquake said, ‘Thank God, I'm still alive.’ But, of course, those who died, their lives will never be the same again." - California Senator Barbara Boxer

"Sure there have been injuries and deaths in boxing - but none of them serious." - Alan Minter, Boxer

"Radio has no future." - Lord Kelvin, 1897

“I don't see what the big deal is about same-sex marriages. Every married couple I know has the same sex all the time.” - Jim Rosenberg, author.

"Solutions are not the answer." - Richard Nixon, former U.S. President

"This planet is our home. If we destroy the planet, we've destroyed our home, so it is fundamentally important." - H. Ross Perot, major Texas businessman and former presidential candidate.

"We'd like to avoid problems, because when we have problems, we can have troubles." – Arizona Governor Wesley Bolin

"We don't like their sound. Groups of guitars are on the way out." - Decca Records Rejecting the Beatles, in 1962

"I enjoy the company of cattle. I really enjoy knowing them, running my hand over them." - Russell Crowe, actor

"A ghost would crawl up my leg and have sex with me at an apartment a long time ago in Texas . I used to think it was my boyfriend, and one day I woke up and it wasn't. I was freaked out about it, but then I was, like, well, you know what? He's never hurt me and he just gave me some amazing sex, so I have no problem." – Anna Nichole Smith, former playmate

"Yo, I failed ninth grade three times, but I don't think it was necessarily 'cause I'm stupid." - Eminem

"I don't feel we did wrong in taking this great country away from them. There were great numbers of people who needed new land, and the Indians were selfishly trying to keep it for themselves." - John Wayne

"I've never driven a horse before" - Tara Reid

"I think that gay marriage should be between a man and a woman." - Arnold Schwarzenegger, California Governor and actor

"I invented the int

1) Triangular sandwiches taste better than square ones.

2) At the end of every party there is always a girl crying.

3) One of the most awkward things that can happen in a pub is when your
pint-to-toilet cycle gets synchronised with a complete stranger.

4) You've never quite sure whether it's ok to eat green crisps.

5) Everyone who grew up in the 80's has entered the digits 55378008
into a calculator

6) Reading when you're drunk is horrible.

7) Sharpening a pencil with a knife makes you feel really manly.

You're never quite sure whether it's against the law or not to have a
fire in your back garden.

10) Nobody ever dares make cup-a-soup in a bowl.

11) You never know where to look when eating a banana.

12) Its impossible to describe the smell of a wet cat.

13) Prodding a fire with a stick makes you feel manly.

14) Rummaging in an overgrow garden will always turn up a bouncy ball.

15) You always feel a bit scared when stroking horses.

16) Everyone always remembers the day a dog ran into your school.

17) the most embarrassing thing you can do as schoolchild is to call your
teacher mum or dad.

1 The smaller the monkey the more it looks like it would kill you at
the first given opportunity.

19) Some days you see lots of people on crutches.

20) Every bloke has at some stage while taking a pee, flushed half way
through and then raced against the flush.

21) Old women with mobile phones look wrong.

22) Its impossible to look cool whilst picking up a Frisbee.

23) Driving through a tunnel makes you feel excited.

24) You never ever run out of salt.

25) Old ladies can eat more than you think.

26) You can't respect a man who carries a dog.

27) There's no panic like the panic you momentarily feel when you've
got your hand or head stuck in something.

2 No one knows the origins of their metal coat hangers.

29) Despite constant warning, you have never met anybody who has had
their arm broken by a swan.

30) the most painful household incident is wearing socks and stepping on
an upturned plug.

31) People who don't drive slam car doors too hard.

32) You've turned into your dad the day you put aside a thin piece of
wood specifically to stir paint with.

33) Everyone had an uncle who tried to steal their nose.

34) Bricks are horrible to carry.

35) In every plate of chips there is a bad chip.

36) Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit; Wisdom is not putting it
in a fruit salad.

Your' re as welcome as a f*rt in a spacesuit

He thinks manual labour is a Spanish musician

As funny as a burning orphanage

He's so camp, he shites tent pegs

I'm as sick as a plane to Lourdes

She had a face on her that would drive rats from a barn

Sweatin' like a paedophile in a Barney suit

I'd crawl a million miles across broken glass to kiss the exhaust of the van
that took her dirty knickers to the laundry.

A mickey the size of a double-value can of Right Guard

Jaysus, she could breastfeed a crèche

She ' s got more chins than a Chinese phone book

Mother Teresa wouldn 't kiss her

A sniper wouldn't take her out

Jaysus, ya wouldn't ride her into battle

If I'd a bag of bruised willies I wouldn't give her one

She has a face on her like a bulldog that's just licked p*ss off a nettle

She wouldn't get a kick in a stampede

She had a f@nny like a badly packed kebab

If I'd a garden full of mickeys I wouldn't let her look over the wall