I'm as sick as a small hospital

I'm so hungry I'd eat a small child

She had a face on her like a well slapped arse

You're as welcome as a fart in a spacesuit

My mouth's as dry as a nun's crack

He has rubber-lined pockets so he can steal soup

He thinks manual labour is a Spanish musician

As funny as a burning orphanage

He's so camp, he sh1ts tent pegs

I'm as sick as a plane to Lourdes

I feel like a boiled sh1te (hungover)

(when leaving) I'm off like a debs dress

She had a face on her that would drive rats from a barn

As busy as the dalkey dole office

Sweatin' like a paedophile in a Barney suit

As tight as a nun's knickers

I'm so horny I'd get up on the crack of dawn

I'd crawl a million miles across broken glass to kiss the exhaust of
the van that took her dirty knickers to the laundry.

Up and down like a hoor's knickers

No show pony but would do for a ride around the house

Did your mother find out who your father is yet?

What would ye expect from a pig but a grunt?

I left her with a face like a painters radio

A mickey the size of a double-value can of Right Guard

Jaysus, she could breastfeed a crèche

As fit as a butcher's dog

She's got more chins than a Chinese phone book

Not even the tide would take her out

Mother Teresa wouldn't kiss her

Daz wouldn't shift her

Des Kelly wouldn't lay her

A sniper wouldn't take her out

Jaysus, ya wouldn't ride her into battle

If I'd a bag of bruised willies I wouldn't give her one

She has a face on her like a bulldog that's just licked piss off a nettle

She wouldn't get a kick in a stampede

She had a f@nny like a badly packed kebab

If I'd a garden full of mickeys I wouldn't let her look over the wall

Give her a boot in the arse and a bucket of mickeys would fall out of her

1. Any Man who brings a camera to a stag night may be legally killed and
eaten by his fellow partygoers.
2. Under no circumstances may two men share an umbrella.
3. It is OK for a man to cry under the following circumstances: a. When a
heroic dog dies to save its master. b. The moment Angelina Jolie starts
unbuttoning her blouse. c. After wrecking your boss' car. d. One hour, 12
minutes, 37 seconds into "The Crying Game". e. When she is using her teeth.
4. Unless he murdered someone in your family, you must bail a friend out of
jail within 12 hours.
5. If you've known a bloke for more than 24 hours, his sister is off limits
forever, unless you actually marry her( Hear that MCNama,plus fields in montiagh are off limits 4ever).
6. Moaning about the brand of free beer in a mate's fridge is forbidden.
Complain at will if the temperature is unsuitable.
7. No man shall ever be required to buy a birthday present for another man.
In fact, even remembering your mate's birthday is strictly optional.
8. On a road trip, the strongest bladder determines pit stops, not the
weakest.
9. When stumbling upon other blokes watching a sporting event, you may ask
the score of the game in progress, but you may never ask who's playing.
10. You may flatulate in front of a woman only after you have brought her
to climax. If you trap her head under the covers for the purpose of flatulent entertainment, she's officially your girlfriend.
11. It is permissible to quaff a fruity alcopop drink only when you're
sunning on a tropical beach....and it's delivered by a topless
supermodel...and it's free.
12. Only in situations of moral and/or physical peril are you allowed to
kick another bloke in the nuts.
13. Unless you're in prison, never fight naked.
14. Friends don't let friends wear Speedos. Ever. Issue closed.
15. If a man's fly is down, that's his problem, you didn't see anything.
16. Women who claim to "love watching sports" must be treated as spies
until they demonstrate knowledge of the game and the ability to drink as much as the other sports watchers.
17. You must offer heartfelt and public condolences over the death of a
girlfriend's cat, even if it was you who secretly set it on fire and threw
it into a ceiling fan.
18. A man in the company of a hot, suggestively dressed woman must remain
sober enough to fight.(got this one from HUGO)
19. Never hesitate to reach for the last beer or the last slice of pizza,
but not both - that's just mean.
20. If you compliment a bloke on his six-pack, you'd better be talking
about his choice of beer.
21. Never join your girlfriend or wife in criticising a mate of yours,
except if she's withholding a shag pending your response.
22. Phrases that may not be uttered to another man while lifting weights:
a Yeah, Baby, Push it! b. C'mon, give me one more! Harder! c. Another set and we can hit the showers!
23. Never talk to a man in a bathroom unless you are on equal footing, both
urinating, both waiting in line, etc. For all other situations, an almost
imperceptible nod is all the conversation you need.
24. Never allow a conversation with a woman to go on longer than you are
not able to have a shag with her. Keep a stopwatch by the phone; hang up if
necessary.
25. You cannot grass on a colleague who shows up at work with a massive
hangover. You may however, hide the aspirin, smear his chair with cheese,
turn the brightness dial all the way down so he thinks his monitor is
broken, and have him paged over the loud speaker every seven minutes.
26. The morning after you and a girl (who was formerly "just a friend")
have carnal drunken monkey sex, and the fact that you're feeling weird and
guilty, is no reason not to nail her again before the discussion about what
a big mistake it was.
27. It is acceptable for you to drive her car. It is not acceptable for her
to drive yours. Unless it allows you to drink.
28. Thou shalt not buy a car with an engine capacity o