Dougal: God, I've heard about those cults Ted. People dressing up in black and saying Our Lord's going to come back and save us all.
Ted: No, Dougal, that's us. That's Catholicism.
Dougal: Oh right.


Mrs. Doyle:
"Ah, it's a bit much for me, father. 'Feck' this and 'feck' that. 'You big bastard'. Oh, dreadful language! 'You big hairy arse', 'You big fecker'. Fierce stuff! And of course, the f-word, father, the bad f-word, worse than 'feck' - you know the one I mean. 'Eff you'. 'Eff your 'effin' wife'. Oh, I don't know why they have to use language like that. 'I'll stick this 'effin' pitchfork up your hole', oh, that was another one, oh, yes! ....Ride me Sideways was another one!"

Mrs Doyle: Pat was just wondering if he could put his massive tool in my box.

Ted: What was it [Jack] used to say about the needy? He had a term for them.
Dougal: A shower of bastards.

Ted: I'm not a fascist. I'm a priest. Fascists dress up in black and tell people what to do. Whereas priests...
...More drink!

Polly Clarke: My husband. Now there was a man who really was afraid of Virginia Woolf.
Ted: Why? Was she... following him or something?

Ted: So... let me get this straight. You were up on an old man, riding him around and whipping him. For an hour.
Dougal: Yes.
Ted: You realise that image will stay with me for the rest of my life?

Fr. Stack: While you were out, I got the keys to your car. And drove it into a big wall. And if you don't like it, tough. I've had my fun, and that's all that matters.

Dougal: What's going on?
Priest: I think Ted has a plan
Dougal: No. I mean in general

Of course... they all have lovely bottoms!

Ted: Dougal, you can't sit around here watching television all day - chewing gum for the eyes!
Dougal: Oh no thanks Ted, I've got these crisps, here.

A new priest at his first mass was so nervous he could hardly speak. After mass he asked the monsignor how he had done. The monsignor replied, "When I am worried about getting nervous On thepulpit, I put a glass of vodka next to the water glass. If I start toget nervous, I take a sip."

So next Sunday he took the monsignor's advice.At the beginning of the sermon, he got nervous and took a drink. He proceeded to talk up a storm.

Upon his return to his office after the mass, he found the followingnote on the door:

1) Sip the vodka, don't gulp.
2) There are 10 commandments, not 12.
3) There are 12 disciples, not 10.
4) Jesus was consecrated, not constipated.
5) Jacob wagered his donkey, he did not bet his ass.
6) We do not refer to Jesus Christ as the late J. C.
7) The Father, Son, and Holy Ghost are not referred to as Daddy, Junior and the spook.
David slew Goliath, he did not kick the sh*t out of him.
9) When David was hit by a rock and was knocked off his donkey, don'tsay he was stoned off his ass.
10)We do not refer to the cross as the "Big T."
11)When Jesus broke the bread at the last supper he said, "take this andeat it for it is my body." He did not say " Eat me"
12)The Virgin Mary is not called " Mary with the Cherry.
13)The recommended grace before a meal is not: Rub-A-Dub-Dub thanks forthe grub, Yeah God.
14)Next Sunday there will be a taffy pulling contest at ST. Peter's not apeter pulling contest at St. Taffy's.

Quotes from the man himself......


'Well, I think if you say you're going to do something and don't do it,
that's trustworthiness.'


'We cannot let terrorists and rogue nations hold this nation hostile or
hold our allies hostile.'


'This case has had full analyzation and has been looked at a lot. I
understand the emotionality of death penalty cases.'

'The benefits of helping somebody is beneficial.'


'We will use our technology to enhance uncertainty abroad.'

'The senator has got to understand if he's going to have - he can't have
it both ways. He can't take the high horse and then claim the low road.'

'...more and more of our imports are coming from overseas.'

'There is no doubt in my mind that this country cannot achieve any
objective we put our mind to.'

'It's hard to be successful if you don't make something somebody doesn't
want to buy.'


'I think war is a dangerous place.'

'I know the human being and fish can co-exist peacefully.'

'I have said that the sanction regime [against Iraq] is like Swiss cheese.
That meant that they weren't very effective.'

'The most important job is not to be governor, or first lady in my case.'

'Will the highways on the Internet become more few?'


'I think if you know what you believe, it makes it a lot easier to answer
questions. I can't answer your question.'


'Our enemies are innovative and resourceful, and so are we. They never
stop thinking about new ways to harm our country and our people, and
neither do we.'

'We don't believe in planners and deciders making the decisions on behalf
of Americans.'

'It's clearly a budget. It's got a lot of numbers in it.'

'He married a Texas girl, I want you to know... A West Texas girl, just
like me.'


'Families is where our nation finds hope, where wings take dream.'
'You're working hard to put food on your family.'

'It's amazing with the software that has been developed these days that
enable a camera to distinguish the difference between a squirrel and a
bomb.'


and wait for it.............


'I've been to war. I've raised twins. If I had a choice, I'd rather go to war.'